Dear Lindsay Lohan,
I heard today that you may leave rehab this weekend. I was immediately scared, as it means you will surely be getting into all sorts of trouble very soon and I’ll have no choice but to write about it and get my carpal tunnel syndrome all messed up again. Ouch. There’s some important stuff you need to know about, as a lot has changed since you stole that car high on coke and ended up back in ‘hab. Hopefully this will help make your transition back to Hollywood – and back onto the mighty gossip blogs – fun n’ easy!
1. Vanessa Hudgens is the new you.
This chick is hotter, younger, and has real live naked pics for us to drool over! And she’s actually been in a popular movie this year. She has replaced you and therefore you must fight with her when you fall off the wagon at Hyde/Winston’s/Les Deux.
2. Having a baby is not a trend just because Nicole Richie is doing it.
I’d steer clear of doing this until you’ve been with your latest boy toy for at least three weeks – maybe a month.
3. Paris Hilton is now dating a uber-hot pizza delivery boy from Sweden.
You’ll be expected to get with a janitor from the lost city of Atlantis. Cheeseball married guys who wear bandanas and claim to be in bands do not count.
4. George Clooney has a new girlfriend.
Now would be the right time for you to try to steal him away.
5. Stop making that effing peace sign.