As Rock of Love draws to a close, we take another look back on the moments that rocked our world. The catfights. The cackling. The urine. The booze (and booze and booze and booze). The aerosol. The ill-advised tattoos. The meth-scratched faces. Yep, it was a special show, indeed.
Our Top 10 Rock of Love Moments Countdown starts after the jump…
10. Lacey Makes Jes Wet
On a lesser (i.e. more civilized show), skinny dipping or perhaps slyly timed urination would be the extent of the pool-based pranks. But this is Rock of Love, where exhibiting the most extreme behavior possible is as much the point as winning Bret’s heart. After being thwarted by Jes (who, in retrospect, was downright prescient to not want anything to do with Lacey from the start), Lacey pulled a fully-dressed Jes into the pool.
Jes was rightly pissed. Even if you’re going to be completely myopic and think, “That’s cool, an eye for an eye,” you’re not prepared for what happens next: Lacey proceeds to mock Jes for being mad about being wet.
“I’m wet. Oh my gawd!” Here Lacey offered a preview of the villainy we’d come to expect from her all season — she proved that she wouldn’t rest until she out-eviled everyone around her. Sure, she may have ended up looking like an a**h***, but it was hard to tear your eyes off her all the same.
9. Magdalena Makes Herself Wet
The accent. The legs. The baritone. Magdalena was among the more…unique contestants on Rock of Love. Early on, her very gender was called to question, but during the motocross challenge, we got a little closer to understanding the functions of her genitalia.
After a weird battle to get her helmet on…
Something even weirder happened:
And then, the weirdest thing of all: Magdalena, in her OTF, recalled this incident, saying, “And I feel like there’s just something comin’ down my pants and I’m like, wow. Great.” “Wow. Great.”? Way to take your now-soiled panties in stride, Magdepends. Seriously, she was virtually unfazed by the urine that invited itself over and plopped down on her carpet, as it were. Could it be that this is something that happens a lot?
Ah, that Magdalena: can’t live with her, can’t check out what’s really going on in her underwear.
8. The “M” Is for “Masculine”
During the album-cover shoot challenge, Brandi M. hatched the most WTF scheme Rock of Love had seen up to that point. And by “WTF” I mean, “Who’s the Female?”
Bad. Bad. Bad. Idea.
Oh well, at least she answered the question everyone wanted to know: what did Teen Wolf look like when he hit his 50’s?
The album cover was predictably abysmal:
Creative director Mia made sure to point out that the old man did not symbolize Bret. Who ever would have thought that in the firs place, if she hadn’t said it? Needless to say, Brandi M.’s team lost the challenge. It was a terrible failure: these girls found the one thing that did not turn Bret on.
Ah, Brandi C. So blonde. So young. So…full of rage?
In response to Erin winning the phone-sex challenge, Brandi C. offered her this by way of congratulations: “You know what? I wanna kick you. ” Thus began a battle of the blondes in which Erin ragged on Brandi’s stupidity and Brandi made fun of Erin’s “clown t**s.”
And then Erin really went for the jugular, saying that Brandi C. was pretty “in the meth world” (it’s a world?) and mocking Brandi’s “meth-scratched face.” It comes out that Brandi isn’t a meth user and the scars she’s rocking are a result of a car accident.
She turns to BFF Kristia for consolation.
So basically, she loses, but many of the horny teenage males devoted to this show win. Trade-off! Brandi C. compares her facial scars to a “disability.” You sure that disability didn’t skip your face and go right to your head, Brandi C.?
6. Bret the Plummer
Because this show would be nothing, nothing if it weren’t for Bret’s shameless gawking at everyone’s padding and piping.
5. Heather Gets Tatted (But Not on Her Tatters)
It almost seemed reasonable, in this ROCK fantasia that someone should get a tattoo proclaiming their love for Bret (in Old English font, no less, which Bret awesomely gushed about in the limo en route to the tattoo parlor).
It also made sense that it was Heather. Everyone knows that tattooing someone’s name on your body is about the behavioral equivalent of an expiration date being stamped on a bottle of pills (say, mind-altering pills). But whatever, you know, if anyone can beat the odds, it’s a 32-year-old stripper who’s still got all of her teeth and can form complete sentences.
Leave it to Jes to be the voice of reason who puts everything in perspective:
“What kind of a dumb bitch gets a guy’s name tattooed on her neck for her first tattoo and she’s not even technically dating him? This bitch has lost her f***ing mind.” In the words of Judge Judy: beauty fades, but dumb is forever. And so are tattoos.
4. Brandi M. Swallows…A Lot
Brandi M. was sometimes called “B.B.” (which, we learned in Brandi M.’s post-show interview, did not stand for her high-school nickname of “B***j** Brandi”), but an even better name for her would have been L.L. for “Lovable Lush.” Brandi M. was drunk so often, her liver was invited to compete (and it would have won if not for Lacey’s scheming!).
And, of course, her crowning achievement:
This is a girl who’s claimed to have had alcohol poisoning nine times. Normally I’d be all, “Whatever. Stop bragging.” But I truly believe her. And that makes me unsettled.
3. Yee-haw, It’s Rodeo!
Rodeo’s spazzing out provided major highlights of her too-brief, four-episode stint, but it eventually led to her undoing. The fine line between TV-crazy and unstable became maybe a little too blurred at Rodeo’s hands. But you know what? We’ll always have that asthma-attack level wheezing followed by what sounds like Rodeo proclaiming, “I’m gay!”.
Until we meet again, Rodeo. We, like you in a fit of laughter, will be holding our collective breath.
2. Have You Accepted Heather’s Hair as Your Personal Lord and Savior?
Because if you haven’t, you should. It’s reaching toward what Rodeo would call “the heavens” and it’s doing it for you. For you!
1. Hurricane Tiffany
Everybody, all together: “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Tiffany may have only lasted two episodes, but she left an indelible mark on the show, coming up with the greatest VH1-spun catchphrase since Flav’s gape-mouthed, “Woooooooooow.” OK, so she really didn’t have much competition with all the grunting and half-formed sentences that fly during these shows, but still! To test the endurance of Tiffany’s magic words, here’s a little activity for you to try: Go to a party, walk into a room, scream, “Don’t threaten me with a good time,” and you’ll have at least one friend for the rest of the night. Fact!
After being dismissed on sight somewhat cruelly by Big John, Tiffany became a voice for the jilted by begging her way back into the house.
Once inside, she drank like an alcoholic camel…
…showed us what Bret would call “pole skills”…
…used Raven as a pool cue and/or sex toy…
…butt into everyone’s business…
…pounded Bret’s penis to a pulp…
…and babbled incoherently…
Like, a lot.
Tiffany was rewarded with another night in the house, although a more appropriate gift would have been a sash reading “Queen of the World.” The Rock of Love premiere was a finely chopped whirlwind of sexualized insanity that would have made Russ Meyer proud. It will go down as a classic episode of reality TV, and we have Tiffany to thank for at least 25 percent of the insanity.
Tiffany was sent home the following week, before she could get annoying or too sad. That turned out for the best, for on reality TV especially, it’s better to burn out than fade away. See you in Charm School, Tiff!
But wait! There’s more! Below are some of the best quotes from the entire season of Rock of Love. We’re presenting them without commentary because, really, they speak for themselves.
Tamara: “I am like Bret…girl.”
Bret: “As you know, I love to rock…”
Heather: “They’re so yum-ola.”
Bret: “Here’s the thing with Heather, and I call it, pole emotions, right? And by pole emotions, I mean, can I get her off that pole and get her onto my pole? It’s a big, big thought going through my mind right now.”
Heather: “Oh my hell!”
Heather: “Your daughter is a slut!”