This week on The Hills, Lo keeps the drama going one vag shot at a time. Too bad Elodie turns out to be the real queen of mean. Better try (or spread) harder next time, LoLo!
It’s Heidi and Spencer’s anniversary! God, this hell has only been going on for a year? Someone save us – we can’t take much more of this:
His chipmunk cheeks (and soul) are poisonous. Because Spencer is a punk-ass bitch, he has yet to tell his parents about his fake engagement to Heidi. We can’t for Heidi to grow some girl-balls and smack him the next time he pulls this sh*t. Chances of that happening: Never! She grew fake boobs instead.
The girls show up at the airport and begin making fun of Justin Bobby and his guitar before they even get out of their luxury vehicle. Audrina giggles along, natch. Grow backbone, grow!
Someone should tell them it’s equally as lame to pack eight weeks of clothes into a giant suitcase for a 48-hour trip. I don’t care how many Catherine Malandrino dresses you need to bring! Assholes.
At Bolthouse, Elodie continues her eye-rolling campaign against Heidi (and her office) by announcing that she has quit her job. We’ll miss her sass, tank tops, and newly died hair. Sail on, Elodie!
But first, she has one final evil deed to complete: pretending to cover for Heidi while she celebrates her anniversary with the Devil.
A few things to note: 1. Heidi is dumb. She asks, “So everything’s set, right? The red carpet’s set and everything? And the Emmys?” She SOOOO deserved that promotion! 2. Why must she celebrate her anniversary on the exact day she and Spencer drunkenly hooked up and blacked out after? Puh-lease.
The Vegas party gets started early – when Justin Bobby takes his shot before everyone else in Brody’s suite.
He’s such a sexy rebel!
At dinner, Lo ponders where she went wrong in her friendship with J Bobbers. She and Lauren were mean to him, they know, but that shouldn’t matter, right?!
She tries to buy Audrina’s man a shot, but he clearly articulates his disregard for her obvious generosity with a simple message:
Nothing left for a girl to do but make out with Brody’s ugly friend!
They know their place as celebrity sidekicks, don’t they. Might as well join forces, or at least body parts.
The following day, the guys discuss their drunken shenanigans…
While wearing their sunglasses.
They left their flashing “I’m a Douche!” signs at home, apparently. Good thing they don’t really need ‘em with them shades.
The party starts all over again later that night…in Lo’s V.
Which you know Lauren secretly enjoyed seeing.
Their night comes to a close just like any awesome evening should – with a drunk girl Justin Bobby bitch fest that leaves Audrina in tears.
She vows to dump JB for the girls. Lo promises to bring her guitar over for a serenade if she does. Deal!
Also, this happens:
Does anyone else remember that Brody dated Lauren’s Laguna beach enemy Kristin for like, a year? Does she have a thing for sloppy seconds? Or D Listers? Which is it, girl?
Speaking of D Listers…
These two celebrate the worst day in history at their fave Mexican joint. Because nothing says romance like black bean farts.
Good thing Heidi has to leave before she has time to pass gas. In what must be the greatest staged Hills move thus far, Elodie has f*cked Heidi over and is not working her Emmys event because she, duh, QUIT. Oh snap!
This of course allows Spencer to go into that verbally abusive routine that we’ve all come to know and love.
Heidi: “I love you.”
Devil: “No, you don’t.”
Sigh. Seriously, Lauren’s a pain in the ass, but she was RIGHT, Heidi. Run! Run to that beach you always frolic on and stay there.
The little teaser of the rest of The Hills season looks Sex Tape-tastic! Jen and Lauren are friends again, Jen sells out Heidi and Brody, Brody sells out Heidi and Spencer, and Heidi makes Lauren talk to the hand.
Who will win?