Ah, New York’s back, and it’s as though she never left. Everything feels so familiar! Oh, wait…is that because the opening footage on this first episode is the same opening footage we saw on the first episode last time around?
No matter. The boobs are bigger, the hair is nicer, the men are hotter and the weirdness is…weirder.
For example, say hello to my little friend:
He’s shy at first, but he really opens up once you get to know him.
We open on a therapy session with New York and this woman:
Dr. Pat grills New York on her dating history. We flash through scenes from both seasons of Flavor of Love (including the Vegas sex with Flav that had New York panting, “That s*** is propa! That s*** is propa!” which is an undoubted highlight of her life so far). To hear New York tell it, Flav “dumped me for another woman.” Or merely followed the rules of his own dating show. Same thing. She gets in a dig at Deelishis by citing her “great big ass and s***-stained eye.” Clearly, New York has lost none of her charm between seasons. Talking about the first season of her own show, New York observes, “Apparently, they get a lot of nuts in those casting places.” They don’t call her Tiffany “Pecan” Pollard for nothing. Dr. Pat decides that what New York needs is a man who fits her life on her terms. Well, duh. She needed a doctor to tell her that? You need a mere Associates in Celebreality to be able to see that. Apparently, this bit of advice never occurred to New York who flees the office armed with the sage advice, though not before she thoroughly shows us the whites of her eyes:
Until I saw them, I’d forgotten how much I missed her.
And so begins a new round of bachelor-hopping, whining and prominently visible tongues during make-out sessions. Ensuring the latter is this chap, who waxes aroused about New York:
“I love New York! Man, she got like big-ass t**ies, I like that weave she wear on her head, I like them eyelashes she wear. You know what I’m sayin’, kid?” No, I have no idea what you’re saying. New York’s hair and eyelashes aren’t real? Clearly, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about.
And then, there’s this…
Now, why could he possibly be out of frame?
We soon find out, but not before seeing New York’s reaction when she exits her house to find 10 bachelors waiting for her:
What she’s reacting to mostly is this:
A diminutive imp who goes by the name of Midget Mac. And really, New York’s response to seeing him for the first time qualifies her for her own exhibit in the Museum of Tolerance compared to Sister Patterson’s. But more on that in a sec!
New York addresses the 10 dudes and tells them that they’re about to be joined by more: guys who were chosen to be on the show via the I Love New York 2 online casting site.
Their presence and the fact that they’ve already been in the house infuriates the regular casting guys.
Regular casting guys are all, “No fair, we called first!” The level of maturity set from their reaction is then bumped down even further by Sister Patterson:
That’s her initial reaction to Midget Mac. “What the freak is that?” she wonders, out loud, her voice curdling blood that has stood fetid since April. And really, what the hell is she so worried about? Clearly the woman can protect herself! Look at those daggers that are hanging off her hands!
Sister Patterson announces that she, too, has men to bring out: five that she’s
claw- hand-picked to vie for her daughter’s affection. These are the sort of upstanding gentlemen she’d like to see her daughter with and if you think you need to filter through her b.s., don’t waste your time. She does it for you by informing everyone that these men have money. The cute guy in the yellow above who likes New York’s t**ies, weave and eyelashes calls out, “Money can’t buy love,” causing Sister P to extend her claws, rear back and do her best Michael Jackson werewolf impression:
Again, I think it’s crucial to emphasize that this woman is afraid of a little person. With the flick of a finger, she could impale him, drink his blood and still be hungry. And yet: scared.
Anyway, her dudes come out.
“My mom had the ordacity [sic] to bring her own fellas out this time! Guys that she thought that I would want.” It’s pretty rich that New York is calling out her mom’s “ordacity,” while using a word she has no business saying. Who’s audacious, now?
Oh, New York also introduces us to Big Ant, who, somewhat unfortunately, is not the comedian-turned-Celebrity Fit Club host after a summer of milkshakes.
Different dude entirely…or is it?
The guys take to the house. We see that Sister P., has laid out some cookies for the Mama’s Boys.
Mmmm! Chocolate chips and nail tips!
The guys hit the bar…
Demonstrating oral skills so soon?
Should he really be drinking like that? I’m genuinely curious. Like, aren’t the fumes enough to get him toasty?
In New York’s bedroom, Sister P., discusses what you undoubtedly are discussing from the comfort of your couch: the presence of Midget Mac.
She’s seriously foaming at the mouth while New York is hilariously diplomatic. When Sister P asks New York if she’s going to make love to a little person, New York casually considers it with, “It would be something new!” That is a fabulous attitude to take. You never run out of fun as long as you’re looking for something new.
Then, even better, New York reasons, “Well, he does come up to the right place!” Some women yearn to pee like a man, others yearn to receive oral sex like one: standing. New York falls firmly in the latter camp. Bless her. Sister P., does not see the humor in the situation at all and becomes a freak herself, almost strangling New York to get her point across:
“If you get with him, I swear, I will kill you,” Sister Patterson tells her. Do us a favor and wait till the end of the season, won’t you, Sister P.?
And then comes the vaguely dehumanizing time we wait for whenever any of these series start back up again: the naming ceremony. New York and Sister P., take their perches.
And the fellas line up.
First up is a hunk of a guy who wants to be known as “the Entertainer,” because “I could entertain you in so many ways.” Do threaten me with a good time, Entertainer. Do!
Because the Entertainer received the most votes on the Internet-casting site, his standing in the house is secured at least for tonight. New York gives him his bling now:
Sister Patterson has gone from looking like a werewolf to raging like a neo-zombie: she decides that he’s a pervert. “I’m not shaking this guy’s hand, because my third eye tells me he’s a pervert and my third eye never lies.” It’s somewhat ironic that her third eye is what’s warning against his (though his third eye is, you know…lower).
The procession proceeds…
And then, it’s time for Midget Mac. When he approaches New York and Sister Patterson, Sister P., goes into a series of “Ay-yi-yi“s, as though she’s in a Spanish-language commercial for Raid.
Oh, Sister P. I’m sure he’s much more afraid of you than you are of him. I mean, he’d have to be, right?
Just to reiterate:
Man Man requests that nickname because he feels like he’s “two men in one.” I sometimes feel that way, too. Usually after a big bowl of chili.
20 Pack also requests his name. It’s a take-off on 12 Pack and it’s all about the abs. Before the show, I hypothesized that with a name like “20 Pack,” he’s probably ripped like an insect, and sure enough…
That looks painful. He’d look fly pinned on a wall, though. Pun intended!
And then, New York cracks up.
He wanted the name of “Jackpot,” but Sister Patterson decides on a more appropriate moniker:
Ha! Cheezy’s so dweeby that he’s like a Mr. Boston II (Mr. Worcester?), but whatever. Cheezy works just fine.
And then there’s Ears. Here’s how New York sums up his nickname: “The only thing I see is these big-ass, floppy ears. And I can’t do s*** with those.” That’s because you aren’t trying hard enough, New York! Twist them to make a point!
Then this guy approaches:
Hilariously, Sister Patterson notes his lack of shoes:
“Who is this barefoot freak comin’ into this house without shoes?” The woman does love obsessing about freaks, doesn’t she?
Mr. Wise gets compared to White Boy…
But the true test will be seeing if Mr. Wise can do the dog-pee sprinkler dance as well as White Boy does.
Sister Patterson looooves Champion. She practically swoons when it’s mentioned that he’s the founder of two nonprofit youth organizations. Nonprofit youth organizations are SO FREAKIN’ HOT.
Someone get this lady a life-alert necklace. I’m afraid she won’t ever get up.
The Romance-esque Unsure is so named because of his sexual ambiguity. Aw, this truly will be a season of discovery.
Tailor Made is the last one up and he’s a mama’s boy. New York is so not feeling him — she says he looks like a “crooked bookie.” Well, if he looked like a non-crooked bookie, he’d be invisible.
And then, it’s time for the typical first-episode mixer in which the H.B.I.C. gets to talk briefly with her potential suitors. But first, there will be dancing.
I doubt any of these guys will be truly a match for her, just based on that dance. Really, who could keep up with that?
The mixer starts off with a bang (a huge one!) when Wolf reveals something personal about himself:
Upon hearing this New York launches into a flight of fancy…
New York says the news of Wolf’s endowment makes her heart hurt. If she’s lucky, that won’t be the only thing that hurts when all is said and done.
New York talks with Ears…
And ends up yawning in his face.
She is a woman of compassion. Another case and point, her soliloquy on Midget Mac and the uncertainty he strikes in her heart:
“He’s definitely like a little leprechaun and I did have my fears! I don’t know if he has magical powers and he could shrink me down. I don’t know what’s going on with Midget Mac. Hopefully he can rescue me from these dorks.” It is so courageous of her to spend time with a person who’s like a leprechaun and possibly possesses the power to shrink people. New York is an American hero.
Midget Mac informs New York that she’s “sexier than a 10-piece dinner.” But is she hotter than a biscuit? Stay tuned to find out!
They compare their sizes…
And then Midget Mac launches into a rumination on the size of his manhood. It’s so nice that people put these things up front; if they didn’t, people might dismiss them unfairly and miss out on all the sausage! “We lay down in the bed, we the same size. I’m not bragging, but every girl that I’ve done been with says how’s my d*** so big to be so small. Third leg, like, longer than my second leg.” And there you have it. This might be more resonant if his second leg weren’t two-inches long, but whatever. Let him have his glory.
We see Sister P. talking with the Entertainer:
She repeatedly calls him a “freak.” As if that’s a bad thing! And also: duh. Of course he’s a freak. He made it on the show, didn’t he? Moreover, he may be a freak, but she’s clearly got a freak fetish, which is, in a word: freaky.
More mixing. There is licking…
After ostentatiously paying off Punk to spend time with New York, Tailor Made hovers over her obnoxiously. She is not having it.
Told you she’s an American hero. “Your shoe is touching my leg. I don’t like that,” says New York. Ha! Tailor Made also mentions New York’s “breast aug,” which she curiously denies. She says he doesn’t know for sure because she never told him that she had her boobs done. Love you New York, but I’d trust my eyes over your words any day.
And then, Sister Patterson and Midget Mac meet.
“Do I look funny?” asks Mac after being stared down by Sister Patterson. “No you don’t…yes, you do,” is her reply. At least she’s honest…eventually. Sister P explains her little-person prejudice. She’s used to seeing babies that are small. Uh, OK. Well here’s someone who isn’t a baby. Now what? She says she’d have the same degree of fear if confronted with a 40-foot giant. Of course the only difference is that 40-foot giants don’t exist! Minor detail.
I said it before, but this time I mean it: I cannot believe that this woman has the nerve to call anyone else scary!
But really, almost in her defense, Midget Mac continually refers to himself in the third person, which is freakishly annoying.
And then, there are deliberations.
Sister Patterson’s main point during this is that New York must eliminate Midget Mac. Gee, glad that meeting she had with him was so productive. She tells New York that if she’s to date a midget, she’ll be a laughingstock. New York delivers the best line of the episode in response:
“It’s all good! They laugh at me, anyway.” Whoa, self-awareness. Also: thanks for the permission, Tiff!
And then, it’s time for eliminations. Sister Patterson signals to someone, presumably champion…
How reassuring! If he doesn’t make the cut, he can rest assured knowing that Sister P will be his human box-cutter.
The chains are given out in this order:
At this point, Sister P., becomes clued-in to Wolf’s big-d*** claim. This makes her furious. “You wanna come in this house and talk about your d***? You got a big d***? You got this? You got that? Put your money where your d*** is and show it.” Ingenious. For if Wolf did put his money where his d*** is, and peeked from out the bottom, therefore showing, it really would be big. It’s a foolproof test!
The chains continue with Yours:
There’s one chain left, which means that Sister P., is praying that it won’t go to Midget Mac.
You know, I’ve posted about 10 screen shots highlighting Sister Patterson’s nails, and they’re seriously at the stare-at-the-picture-for-at-least-30-seconds-or-until-I-start-to-drool- whichever-comes-first level of captivation. The woman knows how to accessorize, that’s for sure.
Of course, New York chooses Midget Mac to give her last chain to. The most important part of this is that he gets an upgrade in his interview screen. He goes from this…
He became a real boy! It’s just like Pinocchio, minus the cricket and the gritty realism
A minor fracas breaks out when Sister P., protests Tiffany’s decision. Sister Patterson thinks Champion should have gotten the last chain, to which New York says, “Hey-ull no!”
The best part of this? Midget Mac is hypnotized by New York’s breasts. To be fair, they’re each roughly the size of his head.
New York puts her foot down, and we get one last great (albeit dramatically blurred) shot of Sister P.
See you next Monday!
This means the four dudes eliminated are:
The last one, formerly known as Champion, is the one that Sister P., took a shine to. She escorts him out with the implication that if her daughter doesn’t want him, she’ll have him.
Have him for dinner, that is, after they mate. Kidding. But really, man, just watch where she puts her fingers and you should be OK.