Our Disappointment, Tila Tequila, Is Boundless: Premiere Recap

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Oh, Tila, it is as we feared. There are fundamental flaws with A Shot of Love. But before we delve into the nitty-gritty, we’d like to point out the positive: You are a radiant and sophisticated presence on screen and your physical beauty is simply unparalleled. We know of no other star who has the ability to exude sex and innocence and worldy wit – all at the same time. Just look at these screenshots from MTV!

As for the production itself … We are sorry to see that the executives at MTV have foisted upon you a group of 16 absurd men and 16 “women” who are undeserving of your attention. We cringed as we watched last night’s premiere, sympathetic to how you must have immediately intuited the crux of your dilemma: You will not find love here, not among these barnyard animals, these bouncers and strippers, these reality-program dregs who would not last one commercial break on a decent network. No, you will not find love.

You might, however, find a disease.

This is something we do not wish for you, Tila. Hear our plea: If your show were to air on VH1, things would be very, very different. (Dear faithful readers: If you agree, you should visit www.vh1wantstilatequila.com.) We implore you to bring your show here, Tila. Before it is too late, before you become so disillusioned with relationships, so deadened to the real and fulfilling nature of deep human connection, you become anhedonic and require serious medication simply to function.

Yes, your contestants are that bad. This is not hyperbole.

As evidence, we refer you first to Ashley. You’ll remember him as the West Virginian high-school guidance counselor who dresses himself in a style that can only be called drunken-nouveau-Von Dutch (see evidence below). You cannot have known this, for he was speaking confessionally, but he actually told America the following:

“I’ve never been with Asian chick before, but I love Chinese food!”

In a word? Execrable.

I done like me some Chinese food!

Next, we would like to point out Marcus, the model from New Orleans whose laugh resembles nothing so much as the sound might make, were it to have swallowed a rusty set of bag pipes. We were actually wondering whether you asked him to call a doctor, but supposed that must have happened off-camera.

I sound like an asthmatic hyena!

We were delighted, however, with the way you treated Vin Diesel . . . er, Greg, the less-than-gentle-man who resembles Vin Diesel, and who, during the gift-giving challenge, attempted to grope you (see pics below). Greg was an ape with deodorant-stick eyeballs, and we are happy you kicked him to the curb. Very happy indeed.

The women, the cause celebre of your program, appeared, at least at first blush, to be better people, more successful at being human than the cardboard imitations of men MTV has asked you to judge. We are suspicious, however, of the following people and events:

a) Women like Ashli, who claim not to have slept with anyone of either gender, and yet have volunteered to appear on your show. Tila, if you were a virgin who, after a long and painful search of your soul came to a realization about your sexuality, would the first thing you do be to appear on reality television? No, delicate lotus leaf. You would not.

Does this really look like a virgin to you?

b) We are also suspicious of women who divide sexualities into categories, like “gold-star lesbians” and “silver-star lesbians”; women whose initial reaction to meeting you includes offering up information about their underpants; and women whose concept of “style,” as witnessed during your runway challenge, includes baring a nipple.

c) Of course, that woman, Sara, presented the most original outfit of all the women on the runway (see below). The others were dressed as though they’d been forced to attend a Frederick’s of Hollywood fire sale. Seduce you in a maid’s outfit? A catsuit? Angel wings? Please. You are so much more sophisticated than that. We know you are, Tila. We know you are. Why else would you explain your frustrations to your audience in this manner?

“Girls want to talk about their feelings too much!”

Hi, I’m Sara.

And that brings us to the nexus of our anxiety, our very heart of darkness. Yes, precious clam shell, you have billed your show as a battle of the sexes, but the only battle worth waging here is the one over your dignity. As matters on A Shot of Love With Tila Tequila devolve into hair-pulling and bruised fists, we worry. We worry very much.Would a decent network ask you to lose beauty sleep by forcing contestants to sleep together in one enormous bed?

Come to VH1, Tila. Before it’s too late.

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