Our Disappointment, Tila Tequila, Is Boundless: Premiere Recap

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Oh, Tila, it is as we feared. There are fundamental flaws with A Shot of Love. But before we delve into the nitty-gritty, we’d like to point out the positive: You are a radiant and sophisticated presence on screen and your physical beauty is simply unparalleled. We know of no other star who has the ability to exude sex and innocence and worldy wit – all at the same time. Just look at these screenshots from MTV!

As for the production itself … We are sorry to see that the executives at MTV have foisted upon you a group of 16 absurd men and 16 “women” who are undeserving of your attention. We cringed as we watched last night’s premiere, sympathetic to how you must have immediately intuited the crux of your dilemma: You will not find love here, not among these barnyard animals, these bouncers and strippers, these reality-program dregs who would not last one commercial break on a decent network. No, you will not find love.

You might, however, find a disease.

This is something we do not wish for you, Tila. Hear our plea: If your show were to air on VH1, things would be very, very different. (Dear faithful readers: If you agree, you should visit www.vh1wantstilatequila.com.) We implore you to bring your show here, Tila. Before it is too late, before you become so disillusioned with relationships, so deadened to the real and fulfilling nature of deep human connection, you become anhedonic and require serious medication simply to function.

Yes, your contestants are that bad. This is not hyperbole.

As evidence, we refer you first to Ashley. You’ll remember him as the West Virginian high-school guidance counselor who dresses himself in a style that can only be called drunken-nouveau-Von Dutch (see evidence below). You cannot have known this, for he was speaking confessionally, but he actually told America the following:

“I’ve never been with Asian chick before, but I love Chinese food!”

In a word? Execrable.

I done like me some Chinese food!

Next, we would like to point out Marcus, the model from New Orleans whose laugh resembles nothing so much as the sound might make, were it to have swallowed a rusty set of bag pipes. We were actually wondering whether you asked him to call a doctor, but supposed that must have happened off-camera.

I sound like an asthmatic hyena!

We were delighted, however, with the way you treated Vin Diesel . . . er, Greg, the less-than-gentle-man who resembles Vin Diesel, and who, during the gift-giving challenge, attempted to grope you (see pics below). Greg was an ape with deodorant-stick eyeballs, and we are happy you kicked him to the curb. Very happy indeed.

The women, the cause celebre of your program, appeared, at least at first blush, to be better people, more successful at being human than the cardboard imitations of men MTV has asked you to judge. We are suspicious, however, of the following people and events:

a) Women like Ashli, who claim not to have slept with anyone of either gender, and yet have volunteered to appear on your show. Tila, if you were a virgin who, after a long and painful search of your soul came to a realization about your sexuality, would the first thing you do be to appear on reality television? No, delicate lotus leaf. You would not.

Does this really look like a virgin to you?

b) We are also suspicious of women who divide sexualities into categories, like “gold-star lesbians” and “silver-star lesbians”; women whose initial reaction to meeting you includes offering up information about their underpants; and women whose concept of “style,” as witnessed during your runway challenge, includes baring a nipple.

c) Of course, that woman, Sara, presented the most original outfit of all the women on the runway (see below). The others were dressed as though they’d been forced to attend a Frederick’s of Hollywood fire sale. Seduce you in a maid’s outfit? A catsuit? Angel wings? Please. You are so much more sophisticated than that. We know you are, Tila. We know you are. Why else would you explain your frustrations to your audience in this manner?

“Girls want to talk about their feelings too much!”

Hi, I’m Sara.

And that brings us to the nexus of our anxiety, our very heart of darkness. Yes, precious clam shell, you have billed your show as a battle of the sexes, but the only battle worth waging here is the one over your dignity. As matters on A Shot of Love With Tila Tequila devolve into hair-pulling and bruised fists, we worry. We worry very much.Would a decent network ask you to lose beauty sleep by forcing contestants to sleep together in one enormous bed?

Come to VH1, Tila. Before it’s too late.

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  1. mandy says:

    EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

  2. Ashleigh says:

    Tila gurl this year you better find the right person this time be smart!!!!!!!!!!

  3. iyonda says:

    why did u tell those gurls to get out there were the smarter gurls out of all stupid

  4. marlee says:

    tila did nothing rong bobby did it and its not her falt the hart wonts what the hart wonts and it wonted bobby tila will find love one day and it will be her soul mate and i give her the best of luck so dont hate on her for everything that happons in the world everything happons for a reson mabye god thinks tila is young and needs to injoy it i give her my prayers

  5. GABBI says:

    I LUV YUR SHOW

    (IM NOT A LESBIAN)

  6. Sydney Landry (not really) says:

    Hey Tila its your girl Brandy Holbrook! I feel so bad for you! Trust me girl I know how you feel! A girl named Melende broke my heart! I thougth she was my world but then she cheated on me with a MAN! I hope you find your true love! I thyink I’m fallen in love with you! Well see you later love ya!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. eric says:

    tila looks like someone with down syndrome

  8. Morgan says:

    bo is the one for u, u will never find a guy like him aND HE has gone through all thAT PAIN AND THE PAIN WILL GO to waste if u just leave him!!!!!!

  9. tila says:

    tila you should have sent home bo or kristy you was wrong for that

  10. Bobbi says:

    idk who you picked,tila,but iam sure that no matter who you picked,is the one that you love.only you know who you wanna be with and nobody should take that from you or judge you for it. So…….CONGRADULATIONS TILA AND HER SOULMATE!

  11. tilarocks says:

    tila is soooooo… pretty inside and out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. mia says:

    girl i think you have the right idea.girls can understand each other and guys can be jerks!

  13. jessica says:

    i think you have the right idea!but i told this guy i have been crushing on that i like him and he likes me to!i think this is the guy for me but the only thing is he is my friends Xboyfriend!i am crushing and i CANT STOP!!!HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Christy says:

    I think Tila should go back to BO!!

  15. Sarah says:

    haha thats what you get. you shoulda chose Bo but you didnt so you got what you deserve!!

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  28. daishanay says:

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  29. mteqiila says:

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    damn im not lesbian..but totally awesome……..(:
    TilaArmy4eva

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