I Love New York 2 Recap – Episode 2 – Up T**’s Creek

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Yay! A new episode of I Love New York 2! New York looks nothing short of aroused.

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Are you that excited, too?

We open on the best thing we could possibly open on:

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Midget Mac working out! And, yo, he’s ripped!

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His back looks like a chest!

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If he keeps at it, he’s going to be wider than he is tall. Also, in the shot above, his face totally reminds me of Rosie O’Donnell’s. Talk about wider than tall! (Bud-up-kick) Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all recap.

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Well, after all, when life bends you over, it uses no Vaseline. I say this is fine practice for the brutal lifestyle that Celebreality presents.

The guys are shipped to their challenge:

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Big Ant explains why there’s a body of water between New York’s body and the guys:

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“New York wants a guy that’ll do anything to give her what she wants.” That’s literally a lot to ask for. New York not only wants what she wants, but she wants what she wants to be delivered in a way that she wants. A second season really does something to a person’s sense of entitlement, no? Anyway, the guys must give New York gifts that they apparently have brought from home, but to do so, must get across the water to her.

First up is Yours…

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He makes it across the water without incident.

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Instead, the incident occurs when he gives New York his gift, which he spent 6 hours drawing himself:

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That is so hot. It looks like Nell Carter in a downpour. “I didn’t know I was plus-sized, you know,” says New York. It’s always terrible to be confronted with people’s perceptions of you isn’t it? The thing is that Yours seems for real about this, although he could just be a decent actor who knows how to re-gift. There’s seriously nothing New York-esque about that picture. Even the cleavage is off!

And here’s where it ends up:

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Perfect place for it!

It’s next. He has trouble paddling. But it seems to be a conceptual problem, not really a mechanical problem.

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He finally makes it over and his gift for New York is a T-shirt with his handprints.

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First of all, I think we were gypped by not being privy to the creation of these gifts. I wanna see It covered in paint! I bet he ate some of it. Who can resist paint? Also, just as you’re being struck by the shirt’s kindergarten chic, It puts a decidedly adult spin on things: he points out that the handprints are exactly where her boobs are. It explains what led him to this wonderfully respectful creation: “You got voluptuous, attractive, um, milk…milk storages.” Newsflash, It: breasts offer so much more than just milk. You should try playing with them sometime! Taking no issue with the grammatical dubiousness off “milk storages,” New York retorts in an interview: “I’m not havin’ it! These aren’t milk storages. These are fine, new, paid-for breasts!” So she does admit to the aug!

Up next and up awesomely is Midget Mac.

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We know that Midget Mac is scared of water from last episode, but in a story that, of course, begins with Midget Mac referring to himself in the third person, he fills in the details: he saw his uncle drown at a family reunion when he was little. Uh, littler. God, what this guy lacks in height, he totally makes up for in pathos. So basically, this is hard for him, but he has such love for New York that he can get over his phobia.

It all goes well until…

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His flotation device pops! New York interviews, “I’m gonna have a dead midget on my hands!” So much compassion, her heart spills out into her cleavage. That’s not a breast aug; it’s love.

Anyway, after an assist from the apparently kindhearted Buddha…

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…Midget Mac is back on track!

Except for when he attempts to climb up on the dock and receives absolutely no help from New York.

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She should have just dangled an aug. They’re good for flotation too, right?

The gifts keep coming. Unsure gives New York something extra special…

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Yay! Sausage! Just kidding, it’s a jacket from Dolce & Gabbana. Sorry, make that Dolce & Gabbana!!!!!!! It is ill-fitting…

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…both in the sleeves and its intentions: Unsure originally bought the jacket for his sister, a fact related to the guys by Cheezy, who’s every much the geek he was made out to be on first sight. It’s so reassuring when people live up to their stereotypes isn’t it? Anyway, the guys are pissed…

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This isn’t the last we’ve heard of Dolce & Gabbana!!!!

Dog tags…

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…sexual chocolate…

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…and Punk’s pecs follow…

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…before we get to what’s eventually deemed the best gift of the day…

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…a pair of Manolos courtesy of Tailor Made. The heels seem to help New York forget Tailor’s perceived personality defect and she picks him and Buddha to share a date with her. Midget Mac gets one, too, alone, since he overcame so much to get to her. It’s almost as though Midget Mac can’t not be inspirational. Did I ever tell you he’s your hero? He is!

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I mean, he’s practically doing God’s work.

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His date with New York is absolutely adorable. And creamy! “We share a bond. Any man that loves ranch as much as I do is close to my heart.” Their bond over ranch dressing is, at least, a slight upgrade for Celebreality interpersonal communication. I mean, it’s better than bonding over having blonde hair a la Rock of Love, you know? New York and Midget Mac are way complex! And I’m just talking about their cholesterol! New York tells Mac, “I wanna dress your salad.” Wow, they can show that on TV?

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So kinky it should have black bars over it.

And really, so should this:

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Smacking sounds accompany because how could they not?

But in all, it’s nice to see New York actually giving this guy a shot and not treating him like a novelty in her stable of studs.

At the end of the date, she blows him a kiss:

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And what happens next is so adorable and pure that I have no smart-assed commentary for it. I’ll just present it for what it is. He catches it…

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…and puts it in his pocket for safe-keeping…

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That is so precious, it’s quietly breaking my heart. I’m tearing up. My heart is warmer than a group of puppies in a basket. I now know what it is to love. Thank you, Midget Mac and your stored pocket kisses.

Things don’t stay heartwarming for long.

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I love how “a couple” means half the house…

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Well, whatever. This isn’t America’s Most Smartest Model. These guys don’t need to know from numbers. Anyway, they fill in New York on that D&G jacket — it’s a re-gift! Can you believe that bastard? “Well, you me, I don’t like gossip and I don’t like hearsay. I like to get to the bottom of s***.” Remember how In Living Color had that character that exposed the universal truth of gossips? “I ain’t one to gossip,” is their motto. The thing is that you can both enjoy gossip and getting to the bottom of s***. They aren’t mutually exclusive! Have no shame, New York!

Anyway, she confronts Unsure.

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He fesses up to it: the jacket was originally intended for his sister. “Your sister must be heavyset,” says New York. So. Much. Ha.

While she seems unfazed by the mass tattletailing that led her to verbally spit on a family member of Unsure, Knock Out is pissed.

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They go back and forth and New York interviews that…

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Knock Out, he’s just stirring up s*** for the hell of it!” If she seems angry, it’s because she doesn’t like it when people do her job for her.

Then, it’s time for her date with Tailor Made and Buddha. To prepare, he orders New York an armful of flowers…

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…and melts his skin off…

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He looks so handsome like that!

Their date will take place at a go-kart track. Instead of racing, however, New York decides that she’ll wave the flag.

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With New York out of the way, we can get to the real point of the show: incidental homoeroticism! Like, Buddha and Tailor Made are totally at one with each other on the track…

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After much suggestive racing (Buddha bumps Tailor Made in the rear…seriously), Buddha reigns supreme.

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Meanwhile, back at the house, the flowers Tailor Made ordered arrive…

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…It figures that these are from him because his brain has the storage capacity of a first-generation MP3 player. His flash memory is…not so flashy. Also, to tip the girl who delivers the flowers, he pulls something out of his mouth. Here, I’ll let him tell it: “‘Cause I ain’t had no money like that. I think I had a lemon. I’s like here, I don’t got none, so yo, here, you want this?” I think what It’s really trying to say is: when life gives you flowers, present it with a chewed-up lemon. And that’s one to grow on.

Back to the date:

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Buddha loves black women. Also, his last relationship ended with a restraining order conjured by him. Pesky ex-girlfriends! To this, New York responds: “Any time a man has to take a restraining order out on a female, that means he was doing something right.” How’s that for a pearl of wisdom? Tyler Perry, move over: there’s a new philosopher spouting moral platitudes to a largely urban audience in town.

Meanwhile, Tailor Made loves women, period. And may still love one in particular…

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For you see, he’s still married! His divorce is a work in progress, but you know what? So is democracy. New York doesn’t see the political parallel and banishes TM to the bleachers.

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And then, home:

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Have you ever seen anything more inviting? It’s like the next step of mutation after Quasimodo. Way to live up to that name, there, boy! Anyway, It’s bent on pretending that the flowers were from him. He, at some point, says to the camera that one of his boys must have sent them on his behalf. Wow, that’s some crew he’s got. I wonder if they dress his salad, too.

It presents the flowers to New York, but more importantly, he presents her with his tongue:

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She is shocked and amazed.

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I think that thing she’s doing with her mouth is the reaction It hoped to provoke. Just…lower. New York interviews about her brush with It’s sexuality: “His tongue was covered in mucus, it stunk and it totally messed up my tongue. So I took off immediately.” No she di’nt! She said his tongue stunk! You never, ever, ever insult the smell of a man’s tongue! How emasculating.

Buddha, a keeper of that elusive trait of reason, calls It on his s***.

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He grills It on how he ordered the flowers (like, what address did he give?) and where they came from. It’s response is characteristically unintelligible. “Man, I ain’t say where I was at. I said I’m in a mansion with, like, 15 dudes. Whatever, whatever. So I said, boom boom bam bam boom.” So, when he gets in trouble, do you think he just babbles at people until they shut up? I bet that tactic works more often than it should. Still, everyone knows that he’s lying and continue calling him on it. At one point, he says that the flowers perhaps came from “Larry Fishburne!” It’s totally plausible that Laurence Fishburne is sitting at home, sending flowers to a mansion that a reality show is being filmed at but won’t air for months. You know those Hollywood types. They’re all connected and hooked-up and whatnot.

Then, two more confrontations:

Unsure complains about being in the house to Cheezy, with a caveat:

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I wonder what was going on in the moments leading up to that rule?

Of course, Cheezy runs to New York who, in turn, confronts Unsure. When he tells her he wants to be around people who don’t stab each other in the back and always do the right thing, she cracks up in his face.

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For you see, such people do not exist in New York’s world. He might as well have told her that he wants to be amongst unicorns.

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Done! But not over.

And then there’s the whole Tailor-Made-is-still-married thing.

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He begs her to talk to his estranged wife. She concedes and what she hears irritates her thyroid something fierce.

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Then eliminations. Midget Mac says that if she keeps him, he’ll do a little dance:

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Well, apparently he’d do it either way. He should have kept it a secret — it’s so awesome, he could use it to barter.

New York shows up with some frizzed-out hair. I seriously think it’s the hottest wig she’s rocked yet.

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Before the ceremony begins, she notices Unsure in the crowd. Why? Not sure!

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She calls him up, throws the Dolce & Gabbana!!!! at him (it’s even heavier, what with all those exclamation points)…

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…and literally kicks him out…

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Who says saying goodbye is hard?

Bye, Unsure!

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See you on the Internet!

Then, the chains. The first to be called is Buddha.

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After he tells her he has love for New York, she responds with, “I know!” As charming as a bracelet, that one.

Midget Mac is called, and he really does do a little (albeit different) dance…

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What he says next is completely amazing (it’s all about the delivery, so if you can, please listen to the file): “Hey…(grunting) and I’m ’bout to do a cartwheel!” And then he does. I like to think that Midget Mac is always thinking of me and my level of entertainment. Thanks for never letting me down, MM!

As it gets down to the last few guys, New York finally calls It to get his chain, citing the roses he gave her. Tailor Made, who’s been such a kitty cat about this whole thing, finally speaks up. He hasn’t said a thing about it till now! What a weenie.

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New York likes weenie, but she likes roses more and she still believes they’re from it. He gets his chain but not before Sister Patterson intervenes.

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She asks him straight up, “Did you by roses?” This is then looped to hilarious effect. Thank you, editors! I could never get sick of hearing that wonderful woman say, “Roses,” like the flower that she is. It admits that he didn’t, but I guess he gets an A for effort, because he’s allowed to stay.

New York surveys her men and eventually calls up Tailor Made to get the last chain. He ostentatiously pushes past Midget Mac and 20 Pack to retrieve it.

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You’d think New York announced free hair-plug installations or something. Anyway, it turns out that his story checked out with his wife — they’re on the brink of divorce and he does, indeed, have love for New York.

This means that Knock Out and Yours are out. On Knock Out’s elimination, New York reflects: “The thing I don’t like about Knock Out is his face. He looks like a pinto bean with eyes. And plus, he’s violent. And he gave me diarrhea chocolates, so he had to go.” Disagree with her philosophy all you want, but try, just try to denounce her colorful flair for language.

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Pinto bean parallel aside, is it weird to anyone else that New York dissed Knock Out’s face? He’s like one of the most handsome guys on the show! If she doesn’t want him, I have a pot of chili that’s just begging for him.

Yours throws a minor fit…

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The eliminations this season are exceptionally tumultuous, aren’t they? Yours nuzzles New York’s breasts on his way out…

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At least got some action for his trouble!

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Sister Patterson gets mad because she feels that New York is unfairly dismissing the Mama’s Boys. New York tells the remaining guys to say good night to her and Sister Patterson tells them not to bother. She leaves while slapping her own butt.

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More of that, please! I can’t wait to see what part of her body she’ll slap when she’s really pissed.

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