Tila, sweeheart. You have broken our hearts. We will forgive you, of course — how could we not — but we will never forgive MTV. Last night’s display of lewd innuendo and sexual aggression was, simply put, disgusting. A disgrace. A foolish, wanton waste of cash and resources, not unlike all the promotion Microsoft put behind Zune, the coffers Google emptied for YouTube, the treasures that evaporated into wisps of money-colored, cocaine-scented smoke when Lindsay Lohan released I Know Who Killed Me. But we digress. Yes, yes, we do.
We felt worse for having watched A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila last night. We felt so dirty, in fact, that we showered afterward, and we scrubbed hard. We are still raw, Tila. We also still feel dirty. As for you . . . well, we felt for you, but our patience has begun to run thin. MTV treats you like a tarted up piece of rotting flank steak slathered in lipgloss and tottering on stripper heels, and you don’t seem to care. Haven’t you noticed? How long will you turn the other cheek? When will you come to VH1? We would never treat you like that. You were in tears before the first commercial break, honey!
First, the behavior, variously, of Ashley and Marcus separately, and then of Ashley and Marcus together. Ashley is a useless instrument: a fork missing two tines, a set of dentures minus the teeth, a hand-held PDA without wireless service. Do you read us, Tila? Of your bisexual revelation, he actually said the following: “That threw a wrench in the truck.” Do you understand? No? Allow us to boil it down: He is not a smart man. And, as it turns out, he is a volatile one, too. Regardless of how in thrall you might be with his shark’s tooth necklace and manly physique, we would recommend you cast him off before he punches someone else, the way he punched Marcus. He is a big puncher. We can foresee these things.
But we would be lying were we to write that we were sad to see Marcus punched. We were not sad. We were happy. Marcus’s habit of referring to you at “T.T.,” a synonym for urine, and his dingo’s-going-to-eat-your-baby laugh were both so irritating that several times during the episode we were strongly compelled to stab ourselves in the face with an ice pick. When he displayed his backside to the throngs gathered around the pool? Ice pick. When he back-flipped on the red carpet while wearing heels? Ice pick. When he had the temerity to explain how you would regret your decision to kick him out? Ice pick. That’s a lot of stabbing, Tila. And that’s to say nothing of the women.
There are names for women like these: Shrews. Harpies. Succubi. Rosie O’Donnell. So calculating were their machinations, so shallow their intent, we were frankly shocked you cast a blind eye. Did you not notice that Brandi started the war between Marcus and Ashley? What of Ashli’s doe-eyed, fumbling attempt at seduction? Can’t you see how calculated that was? And Rebecca’s warm embrace, when she was comforting you as you were in tears: You kissed her twice, Tila. Do you know the expression, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Perhaps not. Perhaps you don’t. But Amanda certainly does. You don’t get a voice that sounds like you’ve breakfasted on a pack of Luckys and Tara Reid by accident.
When LaLa picked up her white-bikini-clad bottom and marched her Pippi Longstocking tresses off the set and out of your life, Tila, we couldn’t fault her. No matter the distress she caused you.
You were so distraught, you told Rebecca that you were wearing your heart on your sleeve.
Tila, you didn’t wear sleeves at all, not for the entire episode. In fact, you were clad only in a revealing one-piece swimsuit. For the whole show.
Is MTV so destitute they cannot afford to spend money on a wardrobe? Or are they just so insensitive to your needs they didn’t even notice? We want you to find love. But there is no love on MTV, Tila. Only bigger bank accounts for the network’s moneymen and renovations for their second homes. We are not even talking Malibu here. We are talking St. Tropez.
Come to VH1, Tila. We are a decent, attractive network with good prospects and healthy earning potential. And we will never try to turn you and your concerns into a bisexual freak show.