President Colbert? Meet His Competition.
Fake news firebrand and occasionally funny comedian Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for president this week. Unfortunately for America, Colbert will only be running in South Carolina. He’s planning as running both as Democrat and a Republican, which means he needs both the approval of both parties. Katon Dawson, chairman of South Carolina’s Republican Party, told The New York Times, “My advice is that he could probably have more fun buying a sports car and getting a girlfriend.”
Obviously, Mr. Dawson has never watched The Colbert Report. Perhaps he has never heard of comedy.
Anyway . . . this got us to thinking: Who else should run for president? After the jump, we review some potential candidates.
Name: George Clooney
Affiliation: Democrat
Age: 46
In his favor: The playboy king of Hollywood offers integrity, salt-and-pepper hair and a readymade cabinet: Brad Pitt (vice president), Matt Damon (secretary of state), Don Cheadle (Homeland Security), Elliott Gould (minister of funny walks).
Why it’s never going to happen: Two words: Lake Como. If you had a home there, you wouldn’t want to leave, either.
Name: Steve Coogan
Affiliation: Pfizer
Age: 43
In his favor: He’s used to taking the blame for events beyond his control. After Owen Wilson’s recent suicide trouble, for instance, Courtney Love faulted him for providing the Butterscotch Stallion with drugs. This, of course, made sense to absolutely no one.
Why it’s never going to happen: Aside from the who-the-hell-is-he factor, Steve’s not native-born. And as soon as they allow non-natives to run, Schwarzenegger’s going to win in a landslide. Don’t doubt the power of pumping iron, Amerika.
Name: R. Kelly
Affiliation: Don’t be rude.
Age: Ageless
In his favor: With the sex scandal already out of the way, R. Kelly could concentrate on the really important issues plaguing Americans. You know: insincere women, jealous boyfriends, closets and how not to get trapped in them, etc.
Why it’s never going to happen: He’s got the skills to pay the bills, but R. Kelly’s got to tour!
Name: Brangelina
Affiliation: Us Weekly, In Touch, The Star, Life & Style, Mr. Skin
Age: To paraphrase a certain someone from Dazed & Confused, “You know what I love about crazy Hollywood bitches? I keep gettin’ older and they stay the saaaaaaaaaame age.”
In its favor: Given its penchant for collecting “children”*, Brangelina could just go ahead and adopt the whole country. Then it would be a shoo-in.
Why it’s never going to happen: When one member of a political team dated Juliette Lewis and the other used to drink Billy Bob Thornton’s blood (it’s true!), the negative press can be a little overwhelming.
Looks like Steve’s competition isn’t that stiff after all. Good luck, Colbert.
*Haven’t you ever seen The Golden Child?
