Friday’s Reviews Rage: 30 Days of Night
Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: 30 Days of Night is a movie about vampires who prey upon the northernmost town in Alaska. It’s convenient for vampires there, see, because once a year, it gets dark for 30 days. This is a natural phenomenon that has to do with the Earth, its axis, the sun, etc. What’s not natural? Josh Hartnett and Melissa George’s onscreen chemistry. That, friends, is machine-made.
“Fangs for nothing.” - The New York Post
“The monsters are shrieky, flesh-ripping zombie vampires outfitted with what appear to be entire mouthfuls of incisors. They’re commanded by a tall, brooding, and rather natty scowler (Danny Huston) who bears a disquieting resemblance to Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys. Speaking in a subtitled guttural rasp that makes him sound like he just popped in from an obscure European film festival, this nightmare dandy growls out lines like ‘There is no hope, only hunger and pain.’ His name is Marlow, but they should have called him Jean-Paul Face-Chomper.” - Entertainment Weekly
“After an intriguingly subdued opening section — which introduces the inhabitants of a town above the Arctic Circle that’s shrouded in darkness for one month a year — the movie crosscuts between the schemes of a predictably effete, nasty vampire horde (Eurotrash nightclub-crawler outfits, subtitled dialogue) and the besieged citizenry’s attempts to hide and fight . . . . But the performers have little to do besides spill and drink blood in this tedious, inconsequential B picture. The sun doesn’t rise nearly fast enough.” - The New York Times
“As for the villains — whose attributes go little further than a thirst for blood, an aversion to light and some truly unfortunate dental work — their high-pitched screams move from creepy to annoying in a matter of minutes. Which is a considerable problem, since the film is far too long at nearly two hours. Slade may not be able to build a lasting sense of dread, but we know just how his victims feel as the endless darkness stretches on.” - The New York Daily News
“The vampires look great. And the story line sticks closely enough to the comic book by Ben Templesmith and Steve Niles to please their large fanboy following. But dramatically, the film is a shambles, with whiplash-inducing lurches in tone and pacing that make it seem as if portions were edited out of sequence. Those expecting a clever frightfest from Sam Raimi’s Ghost House Pictures will be disappointed to find something more akin to an excruciatingly long Marilyn Manson clip.” - The Hollywood Reporter
