With tensions rising, the I Love New York house is feeling more and more like a prison yard.
Gentlemen, meet your warden:
Last time, we started with the best thing we could possibly open on, but this time, it’s the worst:
Someone’s messing with Midget Mac! And it’s not who the subtitle would lead you to believe! No one messes with Midget Mac and gets away with it. If only I had a time machine/jumbo jet that could take me back five months and to the Hollywood Hills! Then this thing would be over faster than Mac can refer to himself in the third person.
As it stands, however, Tailor Made has the idea to stir the pot as much as possible, I suppose to get his competitors riled up enough to have them eliminate themselves. It’s funny, really, the fine line between strategist and jerk-off. He informs Midget Mac that the Entertainer has been making fun of his height, prompting Midget Mac to reply, “I was born short!” Because, you know, if he chose to be that way, it’d be OK to mock him.
Midget Mac gets so riled up, he bounds up the stairs, limbs flailing.
It’s official: every single thing this guy does is adorable. I want to hire his right leg to be my broom.
Midget Mac, quite awesomely confronts the Entertainer…
The Entertainer has very little to say about this to Midget Mac — he, in turn, confronts Tailor Made for letting Mac believe that he’s heightist or whatever it’s called when you’re anti-little person.
The Entertainer flips out…
Midget Mac becomes more defiant…
And ultimately, no one wins. Except for us. We get to see this play out for god knows how many episodes. Make Tailor die slowly, guys.
Before the episode’s real challenge: a fake one.
Buddha ingeniously masterminds a scheme to get back at Tailor Made and It for the drama they caused during the last elimination: he and the other guys stage a mock challenge that suggests that whomever stands outside the longest will win breakfast with New York. No one is smart enough to realize that breakfast is no good if you’re sleeping through it and that, as she later points out, New York is not a breakfast person. Unless you count those two scoops of Newports she eats in a bowl every morning. Mmmmm, fiber!
And then: good morning, sunshine!
The only rays of warmth they bask in are those emanating from New York’s laughter when she tells them they’ve been punk’d.
You know, Buddha’s stunt was so entertaining, the next challenge on this show should be a challenge challenge, in which the dudes must brainstorm a challenge to present to their peers. This show’s only getting more meta, so…
Anyway, Tailor Made is pissed that he was made a fool of by the guys. He takes his anger out on a light fixture.
Oooh, menacing! If he gets really mad, he’s liable to break a filament.
Today’s challenge requires the guys to come up with a business plan to build the “New York empire.” They’re divided into teams:
Cheezy, It, Tailor Made
Wolf, Buddha, 20 Pack
Man Man, Midget Mack, the Entertainer
Punk, Pretty, Mr. Wise
The brainstorming begins, although coming from this group, it’s more like a braindrizzle.
The Entertainer decides that his group should create a perfume in New York’s name. Except, since they don’t have perfume, that bottle of Bombay Sapphire will have to do. Via the pose the Entertainer is striking above, I get the distinct impression that this perfume smells like homelessness.
“That idea came from right here!” he says. No it didn’t — it came out of pores from all over his body. For his final trick, he puts a “veil” on the bottle:
They say you can’t polish a turd, but certainly, you can always put a cape on one.
Meanwhile, Pretty learns the splendor of fancy markers.
“Hey, we got a glitter marker here, y’all!” he enthuses. Sounds like a man after New York’s heart. Or, perhaps, her wardrobe.
Meanwhile, Cheezy thinks that New York belongs in a Foxy Brown-esque movie. “Blaxploitation’s certainly the way to go,” he reasons. Indeed. It’s worked so far. Except It disagrees. His idea is more…socially conscious. “We’re gonna buy the AIDS test-es…” Or perhaps he is unconscious. That would explain the mumbling and drooling. Cheezy, naturally, takes issue with this.
And It, being the good-natured Charly type, figures out a way to combine both ideas:
At last, the female condom has a high-profile champion!
Then, it’s time for the presentations. Helping New York will be Sister Patterson and this woman:
She should come in handy whenever New York leaks a sex tape or needs a toupee.
20 Pack, Wolf and Buddha present their creation, basically what amounts to a bedazzled iPod:
New York is unimpressed.
Some people wear their heart on their sleeve; New York wears her stank on her face. It’s refreshing, really. The upside of this MP-zzzz presentation is that it gives New York a chance to fantasize about Buddha.
“He’s so strong and strapping and fit. And my mind just goes to the dirtiest place ever. And basically, I’m just having sex with Buddha on this table.” When she said “dirtiest place ever,” I thought she was talking about the drain in her shower. You know, all that acrylic hair is just a breeding ground for germs. Also: really? Is Buddha really that hot?
He’s clearly a good-looking guy, but he doesn’t have the innate sexiness of the Entertainer or the nimble tongue of It. It’s just weird that she spends so much time salivating over him. Isn’t it?
Next up is Man Man, the Entertainer and Midget Mac.
Their caped cologne is equally unimpressive.
But their slogan, as delivered by Midget Mac, is not: “Smells so good, make you wanna smack yo mama!” As he’s saying this, he demonstrates.
Sister Patterson is not at all amused.
Hopefully that will not discourage him.
Next is Punk, Pretty and Mr. Wise, who propose a clothing line via New York.
New York loves this idea. Apparently, putting her name on a line of muumuus is something she’s been meaning to do. She’s into it at least until the guys unveil the acronym that their line will be named after: NULUV, which stands for, “Knowing You Look Unbelievably Voluptuous.” The issue that New York takes with this has nothing to do that the first letter of “knowing” is a “K,” not an “N.” Really, it should be KULUV. That sounds like a cuddly, pouched creature, which, come to think of it, is appropriate. Anyway, New York gets angry about being called “voluptuous.” Unfamiliarity with dictionaries must run in the family, because Sister P explains…
“‘Voluptuous’ is the new word for ‘fat.’” Wrong! That doesn’t even make sense. Why does fat need a new word? Is it feeling insecure? Does it ironically think it’s not big enough? Also, obviously the definition of “fat” and “voluptuous” differ, although I think I might be asking to much of these people by expecting them to care about nuance.
“How in the hell do they figure I’m voluptuous? I know how to squeeze my ass into a size 2!” Ah, New York, you’re missing the point. It’s not the squeezing in in of your ass that makes you voluptuous; it’s the squeezing out.
Finally, Cheezy, It and Tailor Made present.
Their blaxploitation idea is for a film called B.A.B., which is short for “Bad Ass Bitch.” It has a song and everything. The best thing about the movie is that New York’s character would be called “N.Y. Tiffahontas.” New York approves of this because she thinks “hontas” is the new word for “hot ass.” Anyway, this is the group she chooses to win, because obviously, she cannot resist the idea of being a movie star. She’s just like her cleavage: onward and upward.
Because Tailor Made handled the bulk of the presentation, she figures he was the mastermind and rewards him with the solo date. Turmoil! This was all Cheezy’s idea so he pleads his case to her in her room:
New York agrees that Cheezy should get the date. Cheezy runs back to rub this in Tailor Made’s face. Tailor Made seems cool with losing the date but then he weasels up the stairs and says that, in fact, Cheezy was wrong and he should be the one New York chooses for the date. She agrees.
So now she’s promised both of them a solo date. What to do? She reasons that she’ll go with “the one I want to f***.” Ew. Choosing between Cheezy and Tailor Made in this situation is like choosing between a hot dog and doorknob. Sometimes it’s better to go to bed unfulfilled. Anyway, she picks Tailor Made.
They dine in a jewelry store. Or, it’s possible that it’s just a Ruby Tuesday and New York is confused. Anyway, she presents him with this…god, what the hell is this thing?
A talisman? Is there a vampire that needs to be warded off? Besides Sister Patterson, I mean. A vampire we don’t know about? No? Also, on this date, Tailor Made reveals that he wants to spend the rest of his life with New York. God, can you imagine them at 70? The very idea just made me a little bit deafer and sterile.
Once home, Tailor Made is confronted by Cheezy, who’s smarting over New York’s rejection.
And like, Tailor Made is douchey, but this really isn’t his fault. Blame New York, Cheezmeister! Or actually, don’t. She’s just not into you. Suck it up, but do it in private.
The next day, It and Cheezy receive their New York mail detailing their upcoming date. It reads it out loud with his mouth full:
His level of charm makes him absolutely perfect for New York. I’m really pulling for It!
New York dons a cowl around her torso and they’re off.
Off, to Pink Kitty Studios.
That’s right, Pink Kitty. They’re either going to be posing with Sphynx or the date is going to include a lunch of fish tacos.
It’s neither, just a sexy photo shoot.
It’s all over New York as they take their pictures.
Apparently, his tongue smells better today? Anyway, I love that It’s main mode of expression is licking. He really cuts all that getting-to-know-you-by-talking crap out of the way and gets right to the point. Hot, for real!
And then, there is Cheezy.
If New York’s facial expressions are an indication, she’s looking forward to a time when there isn’t Cheezy. Soon enough!
New York arrives home to this:
What good fortune! The Entertainer figures that he can help her wind down with a massage. What he doesn’t reveal is that this is code for an impending foot-gnawing that’s about to go down.
It’s almost amazing that they’re allowed to show this on TV. The Entertainer says he isn’t a foot fetishist, although that’s seriously hard to believe.
The eyes don’t lie! He’s ecstatic!
Anyway, it’s hard to gauge how into this New York is. She’s definitely amused, though.
After all, how could she not be? “Any doubts I had about the Entertainer melted away the moment he put my entire foot into his mouth.” Fair enough. It’s a wonderful skill for a man to possess.
Anyway, Tailor Made busts in as the Entertainer is leaving and voices concern about the fact that the Entertainer was just in her room. Shut up already, Tailor Made. Don’t you have some money to count or hair plugs to arrange or something?
Except him shutting up is a pipe dream because he’s the first to get a chain.
When Midget Mac gets his chain, he approache Sister Patterson, who, for the first time we’ve seen, actually touches him.
She is just the picture of tolerance, isn’t she?
The Entertainer is the last to get his chain, which has him nervous. When he approaches New York, he isn’t even prompted, he practically gushes, “I have love for New York!”
Hmmm. So maybe he is a little crazy. He’s got a glint in his eye that suggests a collection of human hair or a scab-picking compulsion. Weird, but not unsexy. Anyway, Sister P obviously takes major issue with him staying around. She calls him “bottom-of-the-barrel nasty.”
Also, she says, “You’re filthy, and you’re a psychotic and you are a psycho!” A psychotic and a psycho? That’s like calling someone fat and voluptuous.
Anyway, Man Man and Cheezy go home.
In his exit interview, Cheezy tells us that New York is “missing out on the Big Cheese.” Eh. We’ll take your word for it.