In this episode, Pepa sets out to find herself a man.

Look at how much fun dating can be? Ah, to be a swinging single…

Pep’s on the prowl and ready to pounce!

She has back luck with men, though, probably because she always goes for the bad boys. And by “bad boys” she means “men dressed like cats.” She and Gloria Estefan, alike! She reveals that she hasn’t done anything, not even kissed a guy, in two years. But bananas, well, they’re a different story.

Salt obviously disapproves of Pepa’s bad-boy fetish, as we find out as she shares a brisk walk with her sister. We find out that she and Gavin will be going on a double date with Pep and her new suitor.

He’s kind of cute in a thirty-year-old-who-lives-in-his-mother’s-basement kinda way. His name is Kenya and Pep met him at a lounge. Salt, of course, gets right down to interrogating, asking if he’s ever been in any long-term relationships or married. Kenya’s response is, “I’ve had my fair share.” Of what? Long-term relationships or marriages? We never find out, although for some reason, this strikes Pep as worthy of googly eyes.

She just loooves his commitment to commitment.

Or something. Salt asks about his feelings about monogamy and he skirts the issue, asking Pepa if she’s “flexible in that area.”

She isn’t. She hasn’t been to her heart pilates class in over a month. Kenya, who thus far, clearly has not impressed Salt…

…then launches into a story…

Pep’s all, “You ain’t got nothing on that bunch of plantains I bought at the market.” Just kidding. It’s not that kind of a story. It involves his ex throwing a knife that big at him. When asked what happened as a result, Kenya delivers what amounts to a punchline: “You know we both got arrested!” And then he laughs like the maniac everyone’s afraid that he is.

Salt pulls Pep into the bathroom and starts metamorphosing into werewolf…

Kidding again! That’s the international hand gesture for “red flag!” Didn’t you know? The thing is that Kenya’s story would probably turn New York on and she’d figure him to be a worthy suitor. “Any man who has a knife thrown at him is doing something right.” Ah, differing Celebreality perspectives.

Salt and Pepa both agree that Kenya’s pretty much a dud. But Pepa likes duds. Let her have her duds! Seriously, it’s probably better for society that duds be allowed to relieve their sexual tension. If they didn’t they might hit women in the head with a can of paint. Oh wait, that already happened.

Anyway, they say their goodbyes and Kenya’s left sitting by himself…

The only thing that could make him look more content is an Xbox controller or, perhaps, some mildew.

Anyway, Pep is not discouraged. “I believe in my record ‘Whatta Man,’ and I’m lookin’ for a whatta man. I want a whatta man,” she says. Hmmm. If she can’t find a whatta man, do you she’d settle for a water boy?

Determined, she enlists the help of a matchmaker.

He’s hot. Why doesn’t she just date him?

Salt shades in Pep’s misfortune.

The last guy Pep dated had gold teeth. How appalling! I mean, his breath probably was, but besides that, I don’t see the problem. Some people (i.e. everyone who’s ever appeared on Flavor of Love) find that appealing. Again: differing Celebreality perspectives. Salt also asks how the matchmaker feels about Pepa “exposing all of her goods right away.”

She’s referring to Pep’s cleavage and, really, it isn’t even that bad. Salt acts like Pep’s doing gymnastics in crotchless panties or something. Gotta get out more, Salt. Anyway, they decide to enlist this hunk of a matchmaker with a twist: Salt will help in the selection process. He seems really uneasy about this, explaining that he usually works alone, but the decision has been made. Salt’s back without an 808 and she’s bossy.

She and Steve evaluate the applicants.

None of them fit her high and chaste standards. She later rants to Gavin about this.

“This one’s a player, and this one’s a gigolo…” Eh. Story of my life. And also: really? Do people really say “gigolo?” The best thing about this is that Salt goes on and on and on and Gavin just sits there.

I don’t think he’s said more than five words over the course of the two episodes of this show that have aired. He just lets her get out her frustration and then it’s done. Gavin, clearly, is wise beyond his years.

And then: an idea! Salt knows just the guy for Pep. She arranges a dinner so that they can meet.

Beforehand, Salt goes on and on about how great this guy is. He’s smart, professional and has a big heart. Pep is suspicious and bluntly asks, “He has hair?” After several beats, Salt reveals, “…No.” Ha! The credits could roll now because we know exactly where this is going, although the ride is bound to be painfully delicious.

Salt’s guy arrives and Pep chugs her wine.

Salt introduces Mark to the group:

Pep, clearly, is thrilled.

Thus begins an awkward series of interactions between Mark and Pep. He is not unlike the guy that Lela Rochon gets busy with in the beginning of Waiting to Exhale: bespectacled, good-natured and he probably loves it when you call him “Big Poppa.”

He asks if Pepa was shocked when he walked in the door and she doesn’t even attempt to sugar-coat it. “Yes!” is her answer. I think he may take this as a compliment.

And then, it goes even worse. Between stammers, Mark says…

“Seems like, y’know, God was smiling when he made you, I’ll tell ya. ‘Cause you sure wearing that outfit pretty nice.” Maybe God was smiling when he made the outfit. Ever think of that, Mark?

Unable to endure this without some sort of expression of catharsis, Pep pulls Salt into what seems to be a makeshift pharmacy…

Their alone time is seriously adorable. Anyway, Pep points out that this is terrible. Mark isn’t for her. He’s round and he comes up to here:

Again, this is a trait that New York would count as a plus.

Back at the table, Mark says, “Cheryl asked me how do I feel about having sex on the first date?”

Uh, awkward. I’ve never found myself praying harder for someone to stay off the table. Tell, don’t show! Tell, don’t show!

“I’d rather the ring be put on the finger before sex is initiated,” says Mark. And it is at this point that Pep, unable to mask her disgust for another second, spits out the food that’s in her mouth.

Once upon a time, Salt-N-Pepa told us, “It’s all about expression.” And so it is.

Not that Mark has any clue. The date ends soon after this and he attempts to sweet talk Pepa outside.

The train wreck rolls on as he goes in for a kiss:

How embarrassing. At least we know he’s not a gigolo — gigolos have way more common sense by nature.

Anyway, that was a bust, but Pepa’s gonna press on, this time without Salt’s help.

I said it before, but this time I mean it: get with the matchmaker already!

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Tags: The Salt N Pepa Show Celebreality, Television