Sweetheart Tila, it has come to our attention that you celebrated your birthday on Wednesday. Well, happy birthday. We are overjoyed to see that you’ve reached 26, and we can’t wait to see what you’ll do with the following year. We can only hope it will involve fewer bouncers and strippers. Go a little lighter on befriending people who are orange, what do you say? And maybe take it easy on the short-shorts. Skin needs to breathe. Or it starts to fall off.

What’s that? You’re upset because we sound like we’re miffed? That’s funny. We are miffed. We saw how you celebrated your birthday at LAX. That’s not exactly a “small, intimate gathering,” like we were told. Where was our invitation? Did it get lost in the mails? Did you send it by Pony Express from the year 1842? Or perhaps it was one of those newfangled mental invites where you just think about inviting people and they understand where the party is by telepathy?

Oh, no, we get it. We’re the Duckie here. That sucks. Thanks, Tila. Thanks a lot.

Great. First Kim Kardashian, and now you. Is it us? Do we smell bad?

What do we have to do to prove our love to you?

Enjoy some hot snaps of Tila Tequila.