Put your money where your napalm is, Tailor. Otherwise, don’t threaten me with a good time.
We open on kindness.
Punk and 20 Pack deliver breakfast to New York’s room. A cigarette-butt omelet, yummy! Did you know that nicotine is part of your balanced breakfast? It’s good for digestion. Seriously, who needs fiber when you have cigarettes keeping you regular?
Anyway, this is nice, if somewhat ignorant (New York said she isn’t a breakfast person!). It’s a lot more productive, at least, than what also goes down in the kitchen:
Buddha scraps with Tailor Made over last episode’s Cheezy incident. Buddha doesn’t like that Tailor Made stabbed Cheezy in the back. Tailor Made stands his ground because he’s been taking night classes at Lacey’s School of Reason. Terrible place, that school, but hey, at least you don’t have to dissect frogs in science class.
Things escalate and Buddha ends up throwing orange juice on Tailor Made.
This all happens so quickly that it appears that Buddha is drinking his orange juice out of a saucer. He’s like an immune-system conscious kitty cat.
A mean kitty cat!
And then, the situation deteriorates.
Look at Tailor Made. He’s practically crying! You know he peed himself a little when Buddha was all up in his face. God, his expression only serves to make me want Buddha to kick his ass even more
Buddha totally grants my wish and I don’t even have to rub his belly or anything:
Oh snap! Buddha knocks him in the face. It’s not hard or anything, but it’s a decided blow. The other guys intervene and Tailor Made makes it like he needs to be held back.
Held back from what? Cowering? “Hold me back, man, hold me back! If you don’t, I’m going to moisten him with my tears!”
Tailor Made runs off to New York.
He fills her in on what happened. Good thing, because she never would have found out if it weren’t for his tattling. I mean, it’s not like they’re living in a house full of cameras or anything.
By the way, his new name from now on is Tattle-Tailor.
“I don’t know if you can see it, but I got a mark on my head,” says Tailor in reference to the fight. Dude, that’s a zit. Stop blaming other people for your face’s lack of pH balance.
He stammers and sort of lurches at New York.
You know, I’ve never thought of this woman as being a tolerant person until now.
She’s practically a saint. I mean, she’s at least on the Mary Magdalene level.
She discusses the situation with Buddha.
She says that Tattle-Tailor has a mark. Buddha just didn’t exfoliate his brother man hard enough when they did that facial challenge. Anyway, she tells Buddha that she has to let him go for fighting and then gives him more action than any guy in the house has seen thus far:
Giveth and taketh. Such are the ways of a saint.
Buddha packs his stuff to leave and it’s sad!
There should be a clause to the no-fighting rule: if you kick Tattle-Tailor’s ass, you don’t get thrown out, you get a spin-off. Seriously, this guy deserves deification in the only way that VH1 knows how to give it.
Don’t leave me!
And then, as if he isn’t adorable as it is, Buddha cries a little!
Dude, you will be missed.
But enough about the fighting because it’s time for…fighting. Eh?
For today’s challenge, the guys will form tag-teams for a self-defense challenge against women kickboxers. With Buddha out, there’s an uneven number of guys and no one wants to be Tattle-Tailor’s partner. I like to think that this has less to do with his slimy ways and more to do with the fact that he smells like poop.
In his only memorable contribution to this episode, Midget Mac tells of his fearlessness in the face of the foxy boxers: “Short, tall, medium, fat. I’ma chop they ass down with midget-su. Hey hey!” Here’s what he looks like when he says, “Hey hey!”
Like I said, he doesn’t do much in this episode, but really, this wouldn’t be a recap if it didn’t include at least one Midget Mac animated gif. That’s the best I could do. Sue me.
The fighting kicks off, as it were. It is enjoyable but barely eventful. Here’s a rundown:
That “backs stabbed” stat is in reference to Mr. Wise’s unwillingness to tag 20 Pack — he does the whole fight himself, which is something of a betrayal because he gets to bask in the glory of it. Tattle-Tailor lays on the side of the ring like a less handsome Jabba the Hut and makes note of this, yelling at Mr. Wise and 20 Pack, “Good teamwork!”
Where is Carrie Fisher with a leash when you need her?
Anyway, those stats above seem to be of little consequence. In fact, there seems to be no real point to this challenge, but that doesn’t stop New York from picking a winner: Mr. Wise. And, since she’s never met a knife in a wound that she didn’t want to twist, she tells Mr. Wise that he can bring along his “freeloading partner” if he wants, much to the humiliation of 20 Pack.
Sister Patterson says that the Mama’s Boys will get a prize, too: dinner with her.
How is that a prize?
Also, for no discernible reason, she makes Mr. Wise an honorary Mama’s Boy.
That’s more a condemnation than anything, innit?
At home, Mr. Wise apologizes for his selfishness in the ring.
20 Pack accepts his apology and it’s all good. OK, what the hell is that? Civilness? In this house? I’m scandalized by what just went on before my eyes.
Then Sister Patterson serves dinner. We don’t see the appetizer, but we can only assume that it consisted of dip eaten with corn-chip fingernails.
Tattle-Tailor attempts to introduce the idea that the Entertainer is not there for New York to Sister Patterson. He’d previously tried to wrangle the other guys into supporting this claim but because they’re fueled by blood and feelings and not battery acid and a creepy obsession with New York, they declined. Sister P’s ears perk up:
Sensing Tattle-Tailor’s capacity for backstabbing, she says, “I want you to be my eyes and my ears.” But not her fingernails. She’s already outsourced them and they’re doing her fine, thank you very much. She then attempts to get Mr. Wise to talk some trash and he refuses because it’s not in his moral code. She swiftly takes back his Mama’s Boy title.
Well, that was pointless.
Then: gay scare. The Entertainer says that one of the eliminated contestants claimed, before he left the house, that Pretty was staring at him and, like, hard. And so, this means that Pretty might be…
…a stereotype as envisioned by someone who claims to be an entertainer but apparently has no idea of how things work in the gay-filled actual entertainment industry. Seriously, what a homophobe: if Pretty were that limp-wristed, his sexuality wouldn’t be a matter of debate. It’s his masculinity that confuses the issue.
Tattle-Tailor lives up to his new nickname by…
…tattletaling. He tells New York of the Pretty speculation. At this point, who cares if Pretty’s gay, when they’ve got a kindergarten girl in their midst?
No time for worrying about that — it’s time for New York’s date with Mr. Wise and his freeloading partner.
New York brings up the issue of Pretty’s sexuality, which immediately signals to the guys that Tattle-Tailor has gotten to New York. 20 Pack turns his nose up at Tattle-Tailor’s manipulative ways. New York doesn’t see eye-to-eye. She laughs about Tattle-Tailor before calling his scheming “ingenious.” She would think that. Scheming and backstabbing her competitors, after all, got her this far.
New York inquires about Mr. Wise’s status as a Mama’s Boy and he informs her that he no longer can stake that claim. He tells New York that Sister P demoted him after he refused to snitch. New York can’t believe he did that, as the benefit would ultimately to go New York and her mom. Mr. Wise says he isn’t changing his character for anyone. That’s wise. New York warns that this could mean he’s going home tonight. He responds that, “It is what it is.” That’s unwise.
“I don’t like, ‘It is what it is,’ ’cause that means, ‘Whatever, bitch!’ to me.” She knows because she’s used the phrase, like, a lot in her life. She dismisses Mr. Wise so that she can spend more time with 20 Pack.
Mr. Wise kinda just lingers in the background, as people typically do when they’re dismissed on these shows but have nowhere to go. The spirit of Tiffany lives! Anyway, New York and 20 Pack have a conversation about the progression of their relationship. She asks him to kiss her and he…
…says, “Are you sure?” It’s not like he has a hymen to break or something. Why does that require conversation? Kiss her, dude! He doesn’t and pretty much sacrifices himself right there. A little tongue goes a long way, 20 Pack. Let this be a lesson.
Back at home, 20 Pack calls for a house meeting and gets all assertive. For once!
Pretty’s sexuality is discussed to no real conclusion, other than Tattle-Tailor is a d***face. Mr. Wise asks him how he sleeps at night and Tattle-Tailor’s response is, “Go f*** yourself!”
Tattle-Tailor escapes (to call his mom, no less!) and Mr. Wise is in a rage over his behavior.
Love that his legs are crossed so daintily. He’s giving his balls no chance for existence, which falls right in line with his behavior. Mr. Wise kind of rants for a bit and then it happens:
He spits in Mr. Wise’s face! And then immediately, he cringes in a corner like a retarded dog who’s conscious enough to know that he did something wrong.
I’d call this guy a “p****,” but I wouldn’t want to insult the feline family by including him as a member.
Mr. Wise picks up the table and there’s more cowering from Tattle-Tailor:
I may have to start calling him “Cringer.” I can’t wait till Tattle-Tailor transforms into Battle Cat and we get to watch He-Man ride him around.
Mr. Wise’s rage gets sloppy.
So sloppy that crew members intervene!
Wow, Mr. Wise’s rage is so palpable that he broke the fourth wall. He’s kinda like the Hulk, just less green.
Tattle-Tailor runs with this balls between his legs to tell New York what just happened.
Now it’s her turn to fly into a rage. She stands up and he cowers again!
God, what I wouldn’t give to watch her kick his ass.
This obviously brings up memories of Pumkin. Instead of thinking of all the fame she reaped as a result, New York is focused on the moisture. Fair enough. She throws Tattle-Tailor out.
As if that’s going to do anything! He’ll be back as soon as he a hurty tummy and needs burping.
Pretty and Punk decide that they don’t want to sleep in the same room as Tattle-Tailor, so they move all of his stuff into the atrium.
Ha! When Punk informs him of this, he takes out his frustration on a deck of cards.
That is so Nomi Malone of him. Let me guess: he’s from “back East.” Specifically: “different places!”
He’s anguished to find that they’ve touched his clothes:
You know, it’s worth watching him act like such an ass for the faces he makes when people exact their revenge. Fair trade, for real.
Then: eliminations. New York is sick of violence making her decisions for her. This is her house and her show. It’s not called I Love Violence. Not officially, at least.
She’s too upset to give out chains, but she does call Mr. Wise up to the front. For not pummeling Tattle-Tailor after being spit on, she knows that Mr. Wise is here for her. She makes out.
Sister Patterson, who seems to be rocking New York’s wig from two episodes ago, is disgusted.
New York, still smarting over the spitting, orders Tailor Made to turn around.
He mumbles something about being “disgraced.” As if he had grace to begin with!
And then, instead of dumping Tattle-Tailor on his tail and ensuring a future of peace, New York instead decides to bump 20 Pack. But she adds that she thinks they’ll remain friends.
Surely they’ll get together all the time to play Mother May I (“Mother may I baby step?”) and not make out and stuff.
For her final trick, New York pleads with the guys to stop fighting. “Not if you have true love for New York, you won’t fight.” Oh New York. If you had love for your guys, you’d get rid of the one who’s causing all the fights. Just sayin’!
I Love New York 2 show page