Tila, last night you took us on a journey. A journey to a fantasmagoric place, or, more literally, to the Hollywood hills, where you and your brethren mounted tableaux of “Heaven” and “Hell” to titillate your house guests and home-viewing audience. Here’s what it looked like:
Unfortunately, darling, it didn’t work. Those of us watching at home had trouble remaining conscious. And if you were hoping to capitalize off of Halloween, we would like to remind you that on your show, everyday is already Halloween. The whole concept fell flat, like a lead souffle, and left us cold on the couch, an unsmoked cigarette in one hand and glass of Burgundy dampening our crotch. Really, Tila, the only ones who could find last night’s episode sexy are people who suffer from horrible hormone imbalances and teenage boys.
If you weren’t so mesmerizing, so Nefertiti-like in your physical charms, we might have even canceled our cable.
And yes, in answer to your next question, we are still hurt that you didn’t invite us to your birthday party. But darling, you’ve almost redeemed yourself. Yes, tossing Ashley out almost renewed our confidence in your cognitive prowess. But kissing Ashli? Showing Domenico sympathy? Permitting Vanessa to stay?
You work in mysterious ways, Tila.
Last night’s absurdity began with your “bi-athalon,” which seemed to us either a stick in the eye of every decent person who has fought against sexual discrimination or a really funny pun that an aspiring Sex and the City intern came up with while stuck in traffic on the 405. But we digress. The women won the challenge, which is not all that surprising, since many of them seem to have bigger . . . er, muscles than the men. Due to Domenico’s physical shortcomings and Ryan’s inability to find a medallion in a sandbox (while simultaneously getting his face caught between the legs of his blow-up Tila Tequila doll), the boys lost. One gets the sense that’s a feeling with which many of them are deeply familiar.
In the end, however, everyone “won,” didn’t they? You asked the women if they wanted to go to Heaven or Hell. They chose the former; the men were left with the latter. But everyone got theirs. Including us, who got bored.
Heaven, which seemed to be designed by a Karim Rashid-imitator with a fetish for 2001 and minimalism, had its highlights. The angel outfits were slinky, because, of course, there are many slutty angels in Heaven. But there were mistakes, too. Tila, we refer you to when you kissed Ashli. The following conversation took place:
Ashli: “I hope you get to know me better.”
Tila: “Oh, I will.”
Tila, are you a tease? Do you remember what a kiss feels like to a virgin? Do you remember what it means? If you play with fire, you will get burned. Our hearts were glad, then, when you ended Heaven after Brandi killed the lizard:
We were not happy about the lizard’s death. We were happy that you were away from those harpies.
Hell seemed just like Heaven, only slightly more sadistic. But just slightly. You whipped Ashley, burnt Ryan with wax and stuffed sausages in Michael’s ears.
It was right around then that we fell asleep.
We do recall the rest of the episode, albeit hazily: There was something about a massage contest, wasn’t there?
And then there was an elimination challenge. Two items of note about that:
1. Vanessa wore a T-shirt that bore the legend “My Friend Is a Slut,” below which was an arrow pointing to her right. Nice clothes, honey. Does she shop at Rite Aid?
2. When you eliminated Ashley, he had a reaction that can only be described as, oh, INSANE. This man is a schoolteacher. This man is, apparently, also a lunatic. He beat up your plants, Tila. He tried to beat up your suitors. And if he was given enough encouragement, we worry that he would try the same with you. Just view the evidence:
Where do they find these people?
It pains us to see you struggle. It pains us dearly.