November 6th, 2007 | 1:15 pm

I Love New York 2 Recap – Episode 5 – Monday, Bloody Monday

by Rich Juzwiak

The question is not, “Do you have love for New York?”

…it’s, “Do you have blood for New York?”

Well, do ya?

It’s a new day and Tailor Made is feeling remorse for his douchey, saliva-filled ways.

You’d think with all the hot air in his head, he’d have no problem keeping it up. Funny, shame’s burden.

Anyway, you may remember from last week that Punk and Pretty moved Tailor Made out of the Mama’s Boys room. Since he is bedless, he angles for total martyrdom by making himself homeless. He takes a blanket outside, which also just so happens to be a good place to go cry.

Except, not even, because soon, he’s awoken by the Entertainer screaming, “I looooooove New York!” which, if you’ve been a sharp viewer, you’ll have noticed that is something the Entertainer does. It’s like a tic but louder and less meaningful.

The next day, the guys get word from New York on today’s activity. But before they can go do the weird crap that New York has planned for them, let’s take a moment to watch Midget Mac eat.

Every little thing he does is magic.

Him, too.

The guys walk into the living room to find New York looking like this…

She is sitting next to this person…

Sylvia Browne, she is not. Midget Mac describes the scene: “I walk in the room and I see skeleton heads and witchcraft s***. And I see an old lady who looks like she’s about 99. And I said, ‘Oh s***!’ Poltergeist!” I didn’t know that you could pronounce “poltergeist” with a soft “G,” but if Midget Mac says you can, you can. I’m basically going to base my life around the decisions Midget Mac makes on this show. First up will be giving myself an alliterative nickname. Remedial Recapper will do well. Second, Remedial Recapper will refer to himself mostly in the third person, also as Mac does. Get ready for fun!

Anyway, the whole point of this is to get the guys in the house to sign personalized blood oaths pledging their love for New York and clearing up misconceptions about themselves. Lori takes this extremely seriously. (Did you know that her pendulum is connected to her higher self and to the angels? The length of her string is really intimidating!) Like super-seriously. New York says, “There’s a lot of wandering souls in this house, Lori.” Without missing a beat, Lori replies, “There’s 16. They talk through my mind.”

Now she knows how I feel when I’m trying to decide what’s for dinner!

To make this ordeal even more spiritually…intricate, the guys will each sacrifice an important belonging. He who sacrifices the most will win a date. Remedial Recapper is shocked that they didn’t take it to the next level and have the men donate samples of their public hair. You know, for rituals and/or flossing and whatnot.

First up is the Entertainer.

Awesomely, the guys are made to address New York by saying, “Oh goddess, I stand before you promising my love and devotion.”Ha! Why don’t they just suck her toes while they’re at it? The Entertainer works with “Down syndrome children,” and his item of sacrifice is a scarf that they made him.

They’re probably really inspiring and wonderful kids but, uh, that scarf doesn’t look like it would keep you warm. Really, it seems chafing. Some sacrifice! New York has the Entertainer read the terms of his blood oath out loud. The best part goes, “I have never had thoughts of underage lovers, nor do I have porno magazines thrown upon the floors of my home.” First of all “underage” is a relative term and second of all, you know his porno rags are under his mattress where they belong. He may be pervy, but he’s not a pig. To drive home this point, the Entertainer tells us in an interview that he’s never broken up with a woman. “They always leave me!” And then he twists up his face…

…and you can see why.

Next up is Wise who donates this:

New York deems this “way too hot to be Mr. Wise.” You may think her taste is weird, but until you have a pastel fetish, you’ll never know what it’s like to be her.

Pretty donates a tie he received from Bill Clinton when he was an intern. Pretty is officially a thing that makes you go hmmmmm.

New York says she’ll check it for stains. She doesn’t want anything that’s going to make her feel inferior.

Wolf gives his college champion track ring, but it’s his oath that really gets New York going. He pledges with blood that his penis is as big as he claimed it was on the first episode. The very mention of this gets New York and her girls going…

“I knew that this man was hung like a f***in’ racehorse!” she says. Can you imagine how heavy his penis would be if he had to pee like one, as well?

Punk donates this watch that’s significant because it has to do with his father who died just weeks before Punk received his acceptance letter to Harvard Law School.

Because of the timepiece’s high sentimental value, New York allows Punk to keep it. But not before she plucks out its jewels with her teeth!

And then, there’s It.

His sacrifice is a wallet and a ring.

He cries as he tells some story about his mom failing her driving test without these items and then passing it once she had them. I think his pendulum is attached to some lead pipes. It would explain the brain damage. To call his story “cockamamie” would probably confuse him. He’d be all, “Cockaweewee! Yeah, that’s right. I’m hung like a race dog, too.”

It’s oath is more hilarious than the Entertainer’s. It goes a little something like: “I, It, do solemnly swear that I am as crazy as I appear. I am not an actor performing the part of a mental patient.” Is this really a question? Does anyone really think that It is faking…It?

Things gets weirder as It refuses to sign the blood oath! New York wonders if, instead of all that, he can at least determine if he’s there for her. “I cannot determine that right now,” says It. His brain is defragmenting, see. You shoulda seen what happened when it crashed. Oh wait, you did: he stole Tailor Made’s flowers. Anyway, It’s reluctance to commit pisses New York off:

“You think you gonna be afraid of the spirits? Wait till you get New York on your ass.” If there’s anywhere I don’t want New York, it’s on my ass. She seems like she’d be entirely too rough. It’s reaction to her threat is so amazing:

He’s scared It-less! He’s totally about to run off with his cockaweewee between his legs.

Midget Mac is next.

His sacrifice consists of pictures of his two daughters. Midget Mac launches into a story about their mother, his ex, who died earlier this year. It’s totally sad and, god, what a tough life this guy leads. That we see him so often jumping around and kicking his legs out and eating food with complete abandon just goes to show that he’s not going to let life get him down. What an inspiration.

Midget Mac, you’re one in a million you.

Last is Tailor Made who also presents a picture of his daughter.

She’s cute! And even more bizarrely: she’s cute and she looks like him. What are the chances? Tailor dishes up some teardrop soup about not knowing where he’d be today if it weren’t for his lovely daughter. New York says that his “s*** sounded like a Hallmark card.” That’s giving it far too much credit. It’s not nearly that poetic. Tailor’s pledge includes a claim that he’s not a snitch. He signs it without hesitation. The Entertainer finds this appalling.

I’ve never seen a dude as straight-seeming and as flamboyant as the Entertainer. Seriously, he wears it all on his sleeve. And when he’s not wearing sleeves, it’s all over his face.

Lori cautions that the house is angry about the liars. Oh, house. Have a beer or two and relax.

There’s no time to worry about and poltergeists, no matter how you approach their “G”s, because it’s time for dinner. It is here that New York reveals that Punk has won the challenge.

And as for the loser? It’s Punk’s shirt. Seriously, that thing is working overtime against those bulging muscles. I hope it’s union.

Tailor offers a toast:

“To new beginnings.” Wow. The only thing that could make that more meaningful is if he toasted to Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning. With that out of the way, New York presents Punk with a note she received that she would like him to read.

Part of it goes: “There is no doubt that to me Tailor Made is the physical manifestation and representation of everything I hate in this world.” Shockingly, it is not signed, “Love, Your Viewing Audience.” Instead, it’s pretty clear that this letter is from Buddha. Now, why ever would she be bringing him up again? Anyway, Tailor Made just kind of hangs his head and sulks.

Again, the hot air is not doing its job. Remedial Recapper hopes it isn’t union.

New York needs to get some air, so she injests carbon monoxide.

I mean, should he really be smoking? It just seems…stunting. He and New York talk some more about his situation. She’s not sure that he’s over his departed ex. But that won’t stop her from sucking his face!

“Midget Mac was a great kisser, you know, for a person with such small lips, small tongue, small teeth, small head and face. And it felt good. He’s a good kisser,” New York recaps. Clearly, she knows exactly how to make a guy feel special — listing all of his shortcomings. Pun intended.

Back at the table, New York bitches at It some more for not committing to her.

“I was distracted and all that, so I was like, I ain’t…it slipped my mind or somethin’,” is his excuse. You know, anyone else who said that something they were presented with just seconds before “slipped their mind,” would be totally unbelievable. But with It, that’s really plausible.

Not that New York cares. She screams uh, something at him and does this:

You know, it’s been a while since we’ve been able to see the full capability of her face. I’m so glad we’ve been afforded this opportunity! Anyway, It chalks up his indecision to the fact that he hasn’t eaten fried food outside on a bench with New York. Clearly, she’s really missing out. You haven’t really bonded with someone until you’ve seen their face shiny from frying oil.

Dinner’s over and then: chaos. It all starts when they’re back at the house. Tailor Made tries to get all cute with New York and she rebuffs him.

And then she gets all up on him when the lights go out.

That is so her. You know she’d befriend a rattlesnake if it turned out the venom could preserve her youth.

Everyone starts freaking out as the lights flicker and things shatter.

Check out Pretty’s body language above. I think that’s his exact reaction when his glitter pens dry up.

Everyone blames the house’s seeming spiritual unrest on Tailor Made, who just happens to be sleeping like a baby through all of this.

He’s all, “Ah. My work here is done. Good night and good luck.”

Actually, that’s more like New York’s sentiment: she’s too spooked to stay in the house so she leaves for a “five-star hotel” and lets the guys fend for themselves. As if she’d provide much by way of protection, anyway. Spirits care not about mink eyelashes and silicone. Fact!

The Entertainer is especially taken by the possible spirits. He imitates them…

…he dons a helmet…

…and he cringes when faced with cameramen…

You know, it’d be one thing if he called himself “the Protector,” but he doesn’t. The Entertainer here has more than lived up to his name. Mission accomplished.

And for no real reason, here’s Punk in the weight room with his shirt off.

Would you hit it?

Then, it’s time for his date with New York.

He bores her with his tale of being a first-year attorney who can take off work whenever and be on any reality show he chooses.

She hints that he should maybe up the ante and so he does.

The way she holds her cigarette out is so romantic. Anyway, this is the kick that her libido needed. “You’re a very passionate kisser. ‘Cause I felt that in other places, too,” is New York’s response. Punk seems proud.

But, then again, wouldn’t you be proud, too, if your tongue were long enough to make New York feel it in “other places?”

Back at home, there is shirtlessness and mirth.

The guys have themselves a merry little fiesta until…

…in walks Sister P. Predictably, she is there to terrorize them, specifically the Entertainer, whom she yells, “I said you were a pervert, and you are!” This woman really believes in the power of repetition, doesn’t she? She ends up throwing a drink on him.

You know, if I were him, I’d find myself oddly flattered. Also during this impromptu meeting, we find out that Tailor Made has made some amends with the guys. “My behavior in this house the first couple of days has been despicable and I’m very embarrassed about what happened” he says. Suddenly, he doesn’t seem so bad at all. He’s probably just kissing her ass, but if he really means it, perhaps my stomach will cease turning whenever he comes on screen.

Then: eliminations. Punk is the first to be called.

Punk, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars…with that amazing tongue of yours.

When the Entertainer is called, he screams his highly original catchphrase…

“I loooooove New York!” Let’s review the Entertainer’s faces from this episode, shall we?

This one’s a keeper, guys!

But you know who isn’t a keeper? Midget Mac. Sadly!

New York says that he’s still feeling the pain of his baby mama’s death and she doesn’t think that he can give her the love she needs. Ugh! This is agonizing. A world without Midget Mac is barely worth living.

It really does help matters that New York is so broken up about this. Also helping is that Mac basically agrees with her.

He admits that he might have signed on for the show to help him deal with the pain of his loss. Let this be a lesson for everyone: reality TV is no cure for heartbreak. You’re shocked to hear it, I know.

And then, with one chain left, it seems as though It will be grabbing it. Not so fast!

New York tells him that it’s not for him, either. It’s going home and here’s her rationale: “If you are acting, that’s a shame because I never got to know the real you. And if you’re not acting, that’s even worse because I could never date such an idiot.” OMG, she’s a genius. It’s relatively good-natured about this. He gives her a hug and admits that he still has love for her regardless. She squeals.

It’s exit interview is among the best I’ve ever seen. “New York called me an idiot. People call me an idiot all the time. But she liked, y’know, she liked me. She likes me a lot, but not a lot a lot a lot, though.” Whether New York liked him or liked him-liked him will remain a mystery to ponder for all eternity.

And then, there’s still the matter of that last chain. New York feels like all the fighting has taken some of her power away from her. Unsurprisingly, that’s not sitting well with her. She’s taking control and she’s doing it with her fingers.