Everything you need to know about this episode can be gathered from looking at Spin’s face:

Turmoil!

Finally, the episode we’ve been waiting for: the return of Spinderella! She’s coming to New York so that she can appear on The Tyra Banks show with Salt-N-Pepa. Salt gives us a debriefing on the Spin situation: she joined the group after they were already established (she’s actually the second Spinderella — soon after the success of “Push It” and Hot, Cool & Vicious, the first Spin left the group to have a baby). For that reason, Salt and Pep always regarded Spin as a hired hand, while Spin felt like she was the third member of the group.

Honestly, as an impartial but highly impressionable observer in the early ’90s, I’d have to go with Spin’s take. It always kinda bugged me, in fact, that she didn’t really get nominal credit (more on that — was she the “N?” — in a bit). I mean, she rapped! She danced! She exhibited the same intricately gaudy-but-streetwise fashion sense of the other two. She said, “Everybody should be making love!” on “Let’s Talk About Sex.” Disagree with her guidance as I might, I could never deny her impact. She was an essential part to the group. You might even say she was very necessary.

Salt gives a breakdown on the dynamic back in the day: she was the mom, Pep was the aunt and Spinderella was the baby. Swap out the pacifiers for dookie chains and you see that the analogy is sound, high-waisted toddler wear and all.

Anyway, so Spin’s in town and it all seems breezy at first. Pep picks her up at the airport.

Hilarity ensues.

We’re not privy to what exactly is so funny, but rest assured: it’s funny.

They meet up with Salt in a bar, where Salt orders a Diet Coke, straight up. She really gets into the whole goody-goody thing, doesn’t she? Pep urges her to take a shot, but she’s all, “I don’t need alcohol to make that post-shot, my-face-is-imploding-from-the-weight-of-the-alcohol face.”

And then, she’s had enough. You know this because of her body language.

I think that shot’s actually kind of beautiful. I kind of want it blown up and hanging in my living room. I can point to it whenever any of my cats get rowdy and then they’ll know that I mean business: enough. Anyway, Salt leaves, reminding 2/3 of her musical trio (or 1/2 and the third wheel, however you want to consider Spinderella) that rehearsal for Tyra is early tomorrow.

You don’t need me to tell you that Pep’s all, “Whatever.” And whatever it is: she’s late for rehearsal the next day.

But on the upside, at least we get to see her looking so…real. Salt’s loss, our gain.

In Pep’s absence, Salt and Spin practice. The song they will be performing is “Shoop.” Before you can say, “I’m not, ‘How does your penis hang?’” Pep comes in…

…and Salt reveals that instead of the line, “I wanna know, how does it hang?” she’ll be saying, “I wanna know, can we hang?” That’s really actually not a bad way to change it. I don’t feel betrayed by her refusal to betray her current beliefs. Well, this all worked out earlier than usual! The end!

Except, not really. Pep’s still Pep and she informs us that she’s “ready to pounce.”

I like to think that Salt isn’t judging her moralistically, but linguistically. Seriously: who says that?

They practice and then it’s back to a hotel where they talk about what they’ll wear.

Reminiscing, Pep says Spin always swooped in and got the clothes first. “Should I have waited?” asks Spin. Pep tells her she should have taken a beat. Oh damn! Pep’s such a diva! This has the effect of rubbing Swarovski crystals on Spinderella’s decades-old scars. Her insecurity regarding her place in the group comes out.

“Do you consider me the Salt-N-Pepa? Am I the N or…?” she asks. The only “N” I can think of in response is: no. Unfair as it is, she was not the N. Salt says she always saw Spin as “the icing on the cake.” That’s a sweet way to put it. She goes on: “Me and Sandy could do a show even if you didn’t show up.” That’s not. Spin points out that she contributed vocals to SNP records and Pep snaps back that she was paid. Clearly not in kindness, though. Pep begins some rant and Spin interjects, “Sandy, pay attention because there’s someone else here.” Whoa! She might as well have said, “Yo, Sandy, I wanna like face you!” Faced she is!

Though their exchange is highly tense, you get the feeling in the end that it was necessary therapy for all of them. Salt points out that this discussion has been a long time coming and that she understands how Spin felt. Don’t you feel guilty for being not as wonderful of a person as Salt? I’m not even kidding — I do.

Spin and Pep embrace:

“You ain’t cuttin’ into my money!” jokes Pep as they hug! She always knows what to say.

And then, internal chaos goes external as the girls scramble around the next morning in preparation for their Tyra appearance. Pep, once again, is late.

Salt says she’s taking these earrings because Pep would snap them up if she had the chance. Hey, isn’t that Spinderella’s job?

Pep finally arrives and they’re whisked away to makeup.

Pep says that she wants an amount of time in the makeup chair equal to what Salt got. “At least the same amount of time or more!” Now comes the point in our reality show when our subjects are so comfortable with the cameras on that they no longer care about how they’re coming off. Here’s what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real. And it’s awesome.

On the elevator ride to the show, Pep’s clearly nervous.

It’s kind of adorable and totally sweet to see them all backing each other up. The only way that this could aid me in reliving my youth more is by adding Cross Colours in the mix. Maybe next episode!

They perform and Tyra’s response is typically dorky.

They sit on her couch and she asks them questions that have already been answered by the episode.

The show is over and it’s time for Spin to get back to the West Coast. Her last words for Pep? “Be on time!” Uh, how long have you known her, Spin? Salt says…

“I’m glad the girls are back.” Well, that makes 3,000,0001 of us.

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Tags: The Salt N Pepa Show Celebreality, Television