Darling Tila, we need to talk. We really need to talk. We need you to call us. We would call you, but we do not have your phone number. Also, if you call us we will feel that we have upheld the social compact, the unspoken rules about telephone-conversation-generation between a media conglomerate and one lone dating-show host. But we digress.
Tila, yesterday evening we learned the following:
- You masturbate nine times daily
- You are willing to let innocent youth debase themselves for your amusement and then vanquish them from the competition with nary a thought about their feelings and/or welfare
- You appear to be attracted to emotionally unstable and potentially dangerous human beings who prefer to wear thongs (when they wear anything at all) and are inexplicably huge fans of two-toned hair, makeup that makes them look like plague victims and the idea of falling in love
None of them are in love with you, Tila. But you look confused. We were worried this might happen. Call it shock. Call it Tequila Syndrome. But whatever you do, just call us.
The episode began with Bobby being rushed to the hospital. He had just been in a fight with Ashley. And he used your trip together to the hospital as an opportunity for one-on-one time. We found this mildly interesting, since we thought that perhaps he should have used the trip to the hospital as an opportunity to go home. Or to file a lawsuit, say. Kids today: Too bad they can’t multi-task.
Following that fandango, you invited your men and women to wash your Hummers. Domenico cleaned your wheels with his “c*ck.” Wonderful. We hear that’s how it’s done down at Clooney’s place in Lake Como, by the way.
The winners of the car wash went with you to the spa, which wasn’t a spa at all, now was it? It was Beauty Bar. And it was at Beauty Bar that Michael waxed his testicles for you.
Let’s repeat that: Michael waxed his testicles for you. In front of everyone. With much gusto. To everyone’s consternation. He was a sweet boy who slept on his mother’s couch. Now we fear he has been tainted. And a mere glance at how your other suitors reacted should tell you how we feel, too:
Yes, Tila, there is a sea change afoot here. We have begun sympathizing with your suitors. Well, not all of your suitors. Just the two you eliminated.
How could we have sympathy for Vanessa? That little tartlet attempted to seduce Bobby, fight with Brandi and skinny dip in your pool. Bobby called her a “filthy animal,” and we think he might have arrived at the correct assessment. Her eye makeup made her look like the victim of some Level 5 infectious disease.
But Ashli . . . how could you eliminate dear, sweet Ashli? How could you eliminate Ashli and keep Vanessa?
We think you made the wrong decision, Tila. Especially since the previews for next week depict Vanessa attempting to wear Brandi’s ass as a hat.
You really need to call us, Tila. We don’t know how much more of your dating disaster we can take.