Few have taken on Sister Patterson and lived to tell about it. In this episode, someone does just that and comes away looking like the bigger person. That woman is the Entertainer’s mother.

A star is born.

As we begin, we see Buddha regarding a bird that’s gotten into the house.

He doesn’t do anything about it; he just regards it. Really, that bird is probably the cleanest thing left in the house at this point, so maybe he’s hoping it’ll rub off on him?

Because seriously? The place is a sty. The guys are propelled to clean up when it’s announced that members of their family will be coming to the house for this week’s challenge.

“You know, there’s only four guys left. I’m feeling all of them for so many different reasons. And I wish I could combine them, but it’s too late for that,” says New York. Too late for what? For combining the guys? Oh, right. Dr. Frankenstein and his mad geneticist sidekick dropped by the house a few episodes ago. And she missed her chance at combining the guys! Let this be a lesson to everyone: if faced with it, DO NOT PASS UP the opportunity for madcap genetic engineering.

Cleaning ensues, mostly by way of the Entertainer. Given New York’s last comment, does this qualify as genetic cleansing?

During the course, he breaks a toilet seat.

Too much motion, not enough lotion, no doubt.

Anyway, the first parents to arrive just happen to be his.

Then comes Tailor Made’s dad.

Then, Punk’s mom and sister.

Having learned nothing from last season, when her s***-talking on Tango’s mom eventually left her ass dumped, New York has something to say about Punk’s fam.

“Punk got all the looks in that family! He skipped the gene that would have rendered him ugly, otherwise.” More fun with genetics! This show is way chromosomal! Also, “rendered?” Really?

The last to arrive is Buddha’s dad…

He is deemed “cute and hot” by New York? Cute and hot? Imagine! I didn’t know they could coexist side-by-side. I thought maybe it was a Clark Kent/Superman-type deal. Or maybe something like the Bosnians and the Serbs.

Oh, and regardless of semantics, I find myself once again asking: REALLY?

Buddha’s dad lays into New York, like, immediately regarding her smoking.

New York does not care. Good for her, I say. Smoking’s hazardous to your health, but so is butting into people’s business.

We cut to Punk and his mom, who makes no secret of her displeasure.

“She’s very difficult,” says Punk’s mom of New York. Even with the “very,” it’s an understatement. Punk’s mom does not want him on the show. Good thing she waited until the ninth episode to let him know!

Then: dinner. Punk’s and the Entertainer’s family will accompany New York and Sister Patterson to fine dining in…

…Long Island! Just kidding. But every time the Entertainer dresses like this, you can practically smell the Drakkar, right?

Sister P and New York wait for the families in the restaurant. This is the calm before the storm.

Immediately, the Entertainer announces…

Good for you! It’s nice that you can identify that. Look how far you’ve come! You’re a big kid now!

Discussion begins.

Sister Patterson, who wouldn’t know grace if it came up and screamed, “We got Annie!” in her face, does not return the compliment.

And here’s where the Entertainer’s bladder comes in handy. Kind of. He’s able to leave the room while they talk about him. It’s clear that Sister Patterson doesn’t like him for reasons that are…well, not entirely clear, actually. The Entertainer’s mom doesn’t really care, because she reasons, “He likes your daughter and your daughter likes him. And that’s not your business or mine to decide who they want in their life.” She kind of gestures broadly as she says this, as Italian mothers are wont to do…

…and Sister Patterson interprets this as an insult. Really, you can tell that she was just waiting to pounce on whatever bit of morsel of attitude the Entertainer’s mom threw her way. Why? Because Sister Patterson knows no other way but bilious. She’s like a shark, she has to keep moving. She interviews that the Entertainer’s mother put her “fat, greasy finger in my face.” Sister Patterson thinks you are wrong if your fingers aren’t shaped like, and as dangerous as, spears.

Bickering ensues as Punk’s mom looks on disapprovingly.

Lady, if you can’t see the entertainment in the free show that you’re being given, I have no idea what to do with you. It’s like she’s from another world. Planet Zzzzzzz, perhaps.

The argument goes on.

New York foolishly thinks it’s appropriate to defend her mother.

Then New York and Sister Patterson flee for some fresh air. And by “fresh air,” I mean “carbon monoxide.”

If that cloud of smoke billowing out of Sister P’s throat doesn’t scream, “DRAGON LADY!” at you, these screen shots certainly will:

Meanwhile, the Entertainer missed this whole episode on account of that much-discussed bladder of his. He finds out about the fracas and attempts to, in New York’s impressive vocab-building words, “mediate,” by joining New York and Sister Patterson outside. Sister Patterson barks at him to go away, singeing his eyebrows in the process.

Back at the table, the Entertainer’s mom says something awesome when the Entertainer attempts to calm her down.

“I don’t think I’m getting an apology from her or that transvestite!” It’s not immediate whom she’s referring to when she says “transvestite.” Let’s find out!

Note that the Entertainer’s mom is no longer seated in the chair next to Sister P’s. When New York and Sister P settle back in, Sister P starts right back up again, this time targeting the Entertainer’s father:

The Entertainer’s mother eventually takes the bait and another argument erupts. This one is more malevolent than the first! It’s like a blur of negativity. The best part of it involves Sister Patterson inexplicably adopting a German accent and saying, “Yah! Yah!” when accused of being a transvestite.

Why is she like that? Seriously, why?

The fight continues with ruminations on both women’s hair. “You look like you wearin’ a beaver’s ass on your head!” says Sister P. OK, that’s kind of awesome. But it’s nowhere near as awesome as the Entertainer’s mother’s send-off. Sister P tells her that her husband’s hair looks better than hers. The Entertainer’s mother’s ingenious response is, “My husband’s ass looks better that you!” You know, it’s really obvious that Sister P’s conscious goal is to incite a response and therefore, she’s somewhat prepared for this showdown. The Entertainer’s mother, however, is totally caught off guard and yet, she’s so quick on her feet that she can rise to the challenge and shut Sister P down. Bravo!

Too bad Punk’s family doesn’t agree. All I’m saying is, y’all are missing out.

The next day, New York and Sister P meet with the remaining parents.

When introduced to Sister P, Tailor Made’s dad says, “You sure it’s your mother and not your sister?” Uh, more than being a compliment to Sister Patterson, that’s kind of an insult to New York, no? Regardless, at least we know where his son gets his cheesiness.

Buddha’s dad is also introduced. But he’s really introduced to Sister Patterson’s true nature once they’re in the gazebo.

While New York frolics with Tailor Made and Buddha in the pool…

…Sister Patterson talks to the dads. I’m sorry, “talks,” isn’t the right word. “Lies” is.

“Your son beat the crap out of his son,” she says to Buddha’s dad. “I mean, blood everywhere…Tailor made was black and blue. His nose was huge. His face was huge. It was…terrible.”

Those claws really put the “terror” in “terrible,” no?

Buddha’s dad is wisely suspicious. He says he’d like to hear Tailor Made’s side. We don’t see Tailor Made recounting what happened to Buddha’s dad, but we do see interview footage of Tailor Made basically corroborating Sister P’s falsehoods. Ugh. He’s really so much more likable when he doesn’t open his mouth.

Buddha catches wind of this and confronts Sister Patterson for lying.

Buddha points out Sister Patterson’s hypocrisy: she sometimes acts like she’s high and mighty, but isn’t afraid to play dirty (and for no apparent reason, at that). “I never said I was holier than thou! I am made of sin!” she proclaims.

Well, sin and nail glue.

New York does nothing to refute Sister Patterson’s bogus claims. Buddha is rightfully pissed off about this.

Although any sympathy you may have amassed for Buddha isn’t really worth having. Look at how dramatic he is, all towering over her! He loves the drama, too! Anyway, New York defends her mother’s behavior. “Callin’ my mom a liar, a manipulator? Yeah, we do manipulate, but…” How shocking is it that New York doesn’t have words to finish the sentence?

Buddha wants New York to wriggle out of her mother’s crutches, but that is unlikely. “That’s my mother! She’s always gonna be right! Even when she’s wrong!” says New York. It’s half hilarious and half tragic — you can tell that she really means it.

Let’s check in with Punk’s mother for some commentary:

All right, fair enough. This is a natural reaction to New York and Sister P.

New York decides that to smooth things over, she’ll cook for the boys and their families.

God, I feel bad for that raw chicken.

Being of the same mind as New York, the Entertainer attempts to smooth things out by offering to help New York cook.

Bizarre flirting ensues.

And so does sulking.

Buddha looks like one of those plastic dogs that holds change for Humane Society donations that can often be found on convenience-store counters. No quarters will be going into any slots, I’m afraid, as hebrings up saving New York from her mother’s grasp and New York gets pissed and leaves.

Though their relationship is fiery, their mutual love of drama makes me think that New York and Buddha are perfect for each other.

Then: dinner.

It’s a somber affair, thanks to recent events. We do find out some stuff, though: Buddha’s dad is too honest for his own good.

That’s what he says about New York’s cooking. He’s amazing, isn’t he? He and the Entertainer’s mom should star in a show together. They could call it I Regard New York Warily.

Tailor Made’s dad thinks that Tailor Made is in love with New York. This makes New York beam.

And, finally, we find out that the Entertainer still lives at home with his parents. This makes New York…uh…

…make this face. More importantly, it causes her to eliminate him.

That night, the elimination comes down to Buddha and the Entertainer.

“With all due respect to you and your parents, you are a loser,” she tells the Entertainer. Clearly, all due respect is actually none at all.

“I know I have tons of potential, and when I go home, I’m gonna use that potential, hopefully,” says the Entertainer as he’s leaving. “Hopefully.” “Hopefully!” He’s not even so sure himself. Whatever, at least he’s aware of his limitations.

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