This episode features I Love New York‘s most endearing guest yet!
Please! That bird has nothing on Sister Patterson. It has one killing nail, while Sister Patterson, on the other hand…
When we open, Tailor Made is giving himself one of his serial-killer facial treatments.
He probably keeps those things in the freezer, right next to the packed organs.
Anyway, he and Punk discuss their obvious mutual point of interest: ridding the competition of Buddha. He’s competition, but mostly, he’s there for the wrong reasons. Tailor Made postulates that perhaps this will be a career-builder for Buddha, giving him not just exposure, but the sort of appeal that comes from being part of a Hollywood power couple. “Sometimes two celebrities hook up and it kinda like elevates both their careers.” Before you can protest this in your head, Punk does it for you: “I don’t know if I’d call him a celebrity.” Ha! Exactly. Leave it it Punk to keep us from losing our heads.
But there’s no time for Myra Breckinridge-styled ruminations on celebrity and its nature because it’s time to hit Miami! New York swings her arms around…
…but her attempt to fly is futile. She soon realizes that she’s better off using an airplane.
They touch down and, like, immediately Buddha starts flirting with a worker at the hotel they’re staying at.
Such a wonderful line. Way to take the most identifiable trait of a person and turn it into a beauty-pageant title. I’d love to see how he would kick game to a girl who was particularly moley.
Anyway, the other guys are onto him, of course.
I’m sure by now you know to count on this coming up again.
The guys go to their room to prepare for the night’s dinner. If you were curious about the shape and size of Tailor Made’s butt, well…
…wonder no more.
Tailor Made also seems to get something on his shirt as he’s readying himself for dinner:
Looks like someone got an early start on drooling over New York.
The guys meet New York for dinner and, immediately, there’s a race to see who can sit down next to her.
They act like the person sitting next to her is going to get some action from her before the meal is over. How ridic…oh, wait.
…that’s exactly what it means.
Mind you, this all happens after Buddha compliments the waitress’ tan and after the other guys snitch on his “Miss Vietnamese” comments.
New York simply does not care. Oh well, at least she knows what she wants.
Oh wait, that’s wrong, too, for you see, after their weird public groping session, she decides that Buddha will accompany her to her hotel room that night. They get in the car and she promptly begins…
…ignoring him. Great. She broke out the dramatics this early. That’s like getting drunk before 8 p.m. She’s going to have an incredible emotional hangover tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Punk and Tailor made’s consolation prize is dinner with Sister Patterson.
Oddly, no one dove to be the ones sitting next to her. It just sort of happened. Lucky for them!
Back at the hotel, there is strife.
New York gets on Buddha’s case for his motivations. And you know what? Can you really blame someone who signs up for a TV show for wanting to be on TV? I know the whole point is supposed to be getting to know New York, but let’s not forget that in order to do that, you have to appear on TV. It’s a necessary part of the process, and blaming someone for enjoying it is like blaming someone for enjoying the sex that he uses to procreate. And you know an attitude like that wouldn’t fly on a show like this.
Not that I side with Buddha entirely.
“If I was here for hype and for fame, I already got that s***. Are you serious? I already got that. I already got that.” To prove how ridiculous this claim is, please perform this simple test: recite Buddha’s real first and last name off the top of your head. Hard, right? That’s because you never knew it to begin with because he isn’t famous, or at least wasn’t when he was filming the show and making such claims. Seriously, it’s like, go back to MySpace.
That’s extremely wishful thinking.
The fight endures as Buddha moves onto the balcony so that the angle of his body will provide a much more dramatic way of addressing New York.
“I love Tiffany. F*** New York. How ’bout that?” Oh, so he doesn’t just appear on TV, he also loves watching it. Because, as New York immediately is heard pointing out: “Didn’t Tango already say that s***? I mean seriously, come on. Tiffany and New York, we’re the same women.”
New York storms away, telling Buddha to leave.
But you know how it goes with her: another minute, another mood swing. We hear her scream, “Let yourself out!” And then we see her break down before our eyes.
“I don’t mean it. I really don’t mean it,” she sniffles. Her turnaround is so fast, she’s like a short-order cook. I feel like pathos tonight!
She finally tells Buddha to leave again, and he says if he goes, he’s gone for good. She doesn’t want this.
But she also doesn’t want him. At least not in the usual way. Buddha is extremely astute when he points out that, “Drama is better than sex to New York.” He leaves with balls that are blue, not from strain, but from sadness. It was a really dramatic night, you know?
However, Buddha is not content to let his fellow contestants know that he struck out. He joins Tailor Made on the bed…
And they cuddle all night. Then they run off together. Show is over, the end. Kidding. He instead, makes a huge display of all of the sexual things he and New York did together. Mental sex is so kinky.
The next day, he greets New York like this:
Ugh, gross. What is it with these shows that whenever the people travel, they all of a sudden become obsessed with rubbing their scents on each other? He might as well have played fire hydrant to New York’s leg-lifting dog. He’s all, “Mark your territory, baby.”
In the car, Punk and Tailor Made, of course, let New York know about Buddha’s sexual allegations.
She sets the record straight and it’s clear that she’s pissed that Buddha lied about such things. If you think this is going to change anything, however, think again: this is merely another loop in New York’s emotional roller coaster.
And, speaking of loops…
They arrive at some weird zoo that specializes in birds. However, there is one problem: New York hates birds. Haha, but the producers loooove her. It must be so fun sitting in the control room and figuring out new ways to get her goat. Somewhere, right now, she’s squealing, “But I’m afraid of goats!”
She rationalizes her parrot hatred thusly:
“I’m afraid of parrots because they don’t know how to speak English diction.” Because she herself is, you know, an English professor. This is an extremely succinct statement on how fear comes from within, no?
But yeah, she spazzes almost immediately, clinging to Punk for protection.
I completely support her fear — it’s better to be safe than sorry. If those birds started improperly conjugating verbs, who knows what would happen.
The way that this date will go is that New York will section herself off with one guy and then they’ll meet an animal and inevitably talk about Buddha.
First up is Tailor Made.
He informs her that Buddha is there to sponge off her career. What a revelation! No one’s considered that one before!
Then, New York meets the world’s deadliest bird. Well, the deadliest after Sister P.
New York is informed of its height and reacts in an interview: “A 6’5″ bird? I didn’t know that they made birds that size.” “They made?” Whenever New York talks biology, I always get the sense that she believes that there’s a team of white-haired scientists who are constantly toiling with nature and its ways. Is she a member of the Nation of Islam or an ardent fan of Dr. Mario or something?
Oh, and also it pees.
The tastefulness never. stops. coming.
Then, New York and Punk share one-on-one time.
Pretty much the only notable thing is that it gives her the opportunity to deem a snake “plus-size.”
Come on, New York. You know that the beauty standard places unnecessary pressure on pythons to be thin. Please don’t perpetuate the snake self-hate.
Then, New York is supposed to spend time with Buddha, but he’s whiny and pisses her off. Oh well. To rub it in his face that she’s aborted their one-on-one, New York charges up to Punk and Tailor Made…
…and she says something ridiculous about being happy to only have two arms. I, on the other hand, am left unhappy. The only thing I want in life is for New York to have a freakish and extra appendage. I think maybe instead of getting an Oliver/Pippa/Poochie sidekick to spice up any future seasons of this show, she should really think about investing in a third arm. It would just really give the show an edge.
Anyway, Punk, I guess, is deemed the “winner” of whatever just happened. So he spends some time with New York by himself. They eat. New York asks if Punk’s looking for love and gestures at him manically.
Well, now he’s not looking for anything because you just poked his eyes out, lady!
When the waitress brings by a can of whipped cream, he asks if he can keep it. If you think he plans on eating it off New York…
…you’ve got it the wrong way around.
During this extremely graphic display, we hear New York voice over about not being able to take things beyond the “friend level” with Punk. Right. With friends like these, who needs sex partners?
Next is a date with Tailor Made. On the way to the restaurant, Tailor presents New York with (what else?) a present…
At dinner, New York talks about Tailor’s sometimes saliva-slimy, sometimes plain-old-slimy behavior in the house. She says that it first upset her, but then she’d lay back in bed and think, “That’s hot, I really like this guy.” Let’s hope that New York’s discourse on her fantasies ends there because, seriously, a spit fetish is already slipping into the, “I don’t need to see that!” realm.
Speaking of spit fetish:
After a few minutes of some spit swapping, Tailor Made decides to carry New York back to her room.
Well, that looks unfun and awkward, now, doesn’t it? Just a tip: if you’re going to have someone carry you on television, please make sure they’re strong enough to make it look like they aren’t straining. It’s just embarrassing otherwise.
To save us and themselves any further embarrassment, New York and Tailor Made get down under the covers:
Their dalliance, however, is cut short by Sister P, who’s waiting downstairs for them. New York begrudgingly pulls her clothes on and meets her mom and the guys in the club below.
Blahblahblah, Buddha’s bad, blahblahblah. After taking a modicum of the flak he’s been taking for what feels like my entire life, at this point, Buddha storms out.
It’s really helpful that every time I get the urge to feel bad for him, he goes and does something like throw a temper tantrum. After all, I only have so much compassion.
So does New York, as it’s time for another elimination.
Wipe that smile off your face. This is very…
Tailor Made gets his chain first. “I really do truly love you,” she tells him. I really am truly at a loss.
It all comes down to Punk and Buddha. To help herself decide, New York made a list of Punk’s attributes. She couldn’t find one thing about him that was negative. Buddha, on the other hand, prompted a list full of negatives. But who cares about all that when you’ve got sexual feelings and when your heart and mind are in, as Diction Professor New York puts it, “agreementh.” All of this is to say that Punk’s outta there.
He’s pissed, too. Much more so than just about anyone who went before him. He says in his exit interview that even though he wasn’t chosen, he’s still in love with New York. That’s how you know it’s real.
As New York is hugging him goodbye, she has maybe her most dramatic exchange with Buddha yet:
That makes two guys she’s in love with. One for each implant. She’s got ample love, let me tell you.
Anyway, Sister P’s pissed about this since she likes Punk and hates Buddha.
Beware the killing nails!
I Love New York 2 show page