Well, how do you like that?
(Like I even need to ask!)
So it all comes down to this. Before we begin, let’s all say a little prayer:
What is that, Buddhism? (And before you tell me, “OMG, you idiot. He’s Muslim!!!”, per Buddha’s MySpace blog, he’s Christian. Or something. So there. Or something.)
Anyway, it’s time to blow out of Miami for the slightly more exotic locale of Jamaica.
When they arrive, some guy greets them by saying, “Welcome to Jamaica, New York!” and for a second I’m all, “Wait a minute. They went to Queens?” If that were the case, the class level would be so elevated, I’d be feeling lightheaded right about now. Well, more lightheaded.
Anyway, it’s down to the Final 2 and New York is SO. EXCITED.
She compares and contrasts her men: Buddha is hot, sexy and big, while Tailor Made is short and scrawny. On the other hand, Tailor Made buys New York nice gifts, while the only thing Buddha ever gave her besides tired tear ducts was a teddy bear. She can’t combine them, as her failed experiments in genetic splicing have taught her. Although, can you imagine the kinda uber-weenie that would come from splicing Tailor Made’s stature with Buddha’s gift-giving? With that kind of power, you could take over the world. Or at least complain about it to, like, an earth-shattering degree.
The trio dines.
New York reports that her men look “islandish.” Perfect accompaniment for someone who’s outlandish, then! Anyway, New York asks the guys why they should be the one she chooses. Buddha’s answer basically comes down to the fact that Tailor Made is a bitch. Well, what’s wrong with that? For his part, Tailor Made can’t answer and stammers for a while, finally coming up with, “I feel like we complete each other.” In the sense that laughter completes a punchline, he’s correct.
And besides, as New York points out, that line has been used before. What does he think this is, Tiffany Maguire?
New York dismisses the men, but in a bid to grab some spontaneous one-on-one time, Tailor Made has hatched a plan:
He pulls her upstairs and oh my god! Oh my god!
It’s a necklace box! He’s going to propose with a necklace! He’s in love and an iconoclast.
Ploy! He admits that this was all a ruse to get New York to spend more time with him. Surprisingly, New York isn’t mad when all of this becomes clear.
See? Who says she can be bought? Or maybe she can be bought it’s just that she goes for really cheap. Like empty-jewelry-box cheap. Hmmm. New York interviews that, “I thought that was so sweet and clever and conniving and risky because I coulda slapped the s*** out of him and sent him flying down the stairs.” Well, that just says everything about their relationship, now doesn’t it? Seriously end the episode here, that’s all you need to know. See, I too can be bought. Give me a quick, inadvertant summary of the way things are and I’m good to go.
They go for a moonlit walk on the beach.
Just like a personal ad!
Noticing that it’s taking hours for Tailor Made to return to the room, Buddha puts in a call regarding his whereabouts. At least, that’s the conceit…
…I think he just wanted to opportunity to show off his well-defined arms.
The next day, the boys get a note stating that New York will spend one full day with Buddha. Buddha suits up.
Apparently, he stuffed his briefs with New York’s boobs. With a butt like that, he undoubtedly always has somewhere to place his drink. Call him Buttha.
Buttha interviews that he’s looking forward to his date with New York. “I can’t wait to be on the beach with my girl, looking at the sunset, listening to the ocean. Kissin’, huggin’ and humpin’ each other!” Dudes, pay attention: this is how you get laid.
Upon seeing him, New York describes Buddha as a “giant brown-ass umbrella.” Emphasis on the “giant” and the “ass.”
The two hit a plantation on their first stop.
New York says something about being scared that it’s a plantation because she doesn’t want to be picking no cotton. The fun with racial discourse just never stops!
Anyway, it turns out that New York should be afraid, but for a much different reason:
OK, so everyone knows that New York is scared of animals, particularly large ones. And everyone knows that New York doesn’t really do well in water. So for this date, why not combine them?
The producers love to torment her, and I love to watch it. I can’t wait until she’s made to sing karaoke with a parrot next season! Anyway, this oceanic horse riding is, of course, accompanied by a lot of complaining. At one point, she refers to the horse as a “big bitch.” Perhaps the biggest this show has seen yet!
Besides the whining, it all goes down without incident. When it’s over, New York reflects:
“I was so thankful to be able to plant my beautiful, sexy, tiny feet back on ground. It just felt so good to be back on Earth. Or land.” Definitely the latter. Earth is still waiting for its first visitation from Tiffany “New York” Pollard.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
…Tailor Made freaks out.
…and it’s all for good reason:
And then he goes from stir-crazy…
“Oh God. Can you please intervene? I’ll give five percent of my salary to charity.” One check for the Tiffany Fund, coming right up!
And then, crazy meets crazy:
Sister Patterson comes over to lend some moral support. And perhaps, to scratch his eyes out. She tells Tailor Made to be strong, advising him to, “call upon your German ancestors…your descendants.” Dig the diction! And then, and awesomely, she does this:
Upon reflection, Sister Slapperson has a name for this: “What I gave Tailor Made was called ‘believe in yourself.’” You say “potato,” I say “domestic abuse.”
Oh, and by the way, this is where “believe in yourself” leads:
“Believe in yourself” yields over-confidence, as we’ll see. You say tomato, I say “two months’ salary wasted.”
We then catch up with New York and Buddha at dinner.
New York says, “The time we spend is always great…” and winces.
She really knows how to sell a sentiment, doesn’t she?
Anyway, this dinner is typically fraught with drama. There is a “love vs. in love” debate. There is dragon-like smoke blown out of New York’s nose.
There is abandonment.
There is reunion.
You know, all the stuff that comes when Buddha and New York get together. They don’t so much complete each other as they just sort of keep each other occupied. Could be worse!
And then this happens and it’s all very confusing in light of what will come to pass by the end of the episode:
I believe she also calls him “Daddy” at this point, as she’s wont to do. Whatever. This show would lose 90 percent of its suspense if she weren’t so emotionally arbitrary.
The next day is Tailor Made’s day with New York.
They go cliff-diving. Well, he goes and she watches.
And though he does it in maybe the most weenie-ish way possible…
…he, uh, still did it! New York is pleased.
And in the end, that and the fact that he didn’t get any water in his nose are what’s really important.
Then Sister P and Buddha meet.
Clearly, she hates him. Their meeting is brief and without any point.
“Son?” Does she think she’s, like, Mother Theresa, or, I don’t know, Method Man or something?
Then, dinner with New York and Tailor Made.
Remember how he pretended that he was going to propose to her earlier this episode? Yeah, well…
It’s no longer a joke.
New York gets flashbacks of Tango and sort of stammers. It’s fascinating to see her without a damn thing to say for once. Things continue in this vein until realizes that Tailor Made is still married. How can they possibly get married? It’s not answered, but the solution that’s implied is: TRY REAL HARD.
New York excuses herself and then leaves!
Ha! She totally just leaves him sitting there. We don’t see him again till next morning, back in his room. You know before he got there, he had a tail implanted on his ass so he could walk home with it between his legs.
We see the guys receiving watches from New York…
And then, we see her deliberating. Again, it is like a personal ad come to life.
Draw-Muuuuh. New York interviews that, in a way, Buddha and Tailor Made are like Chance and Tango. No, it has nothing to do with burgeoning rap careers (although, did you see that clips show, when Tailor Made was rapping? If that wasn’t enough to get him kicked off the show, you know it’s love.) — it’s that they’re opposites. Tiffany and herself have got some figuring out to do…
…and it will be done without Sister P, who’s sent away at the start of the elimination round. Fare thee well, Sister Patterson. It’s been nothing short of harrowing.
And now, for an elimination so serious that Tiffany must cram her hands between her breasts for emphasis.
You know that isn’t easy.
In a nutshell: she can’t accept Tailor Made’s proposal (oh that? I’d forgotten about it! Way to leave it hanging, Tiff!) because it’s too soon. But, more detrimentally, she can’t be with Buddha because she’ll knock heads with him for the rest of her life.
And so, she sends Buddha off by stealing his line: she loves him, but she’s not in love with him. I guess she finally discovered what in love is. I want her to show me.
As soon as she sends Buddha away, she fondles herself, which is…
…weird and oddly erotic.
Buddha interviews that in so many words, New York has said that Tailor Made is spineless and mindless, and if he needed to be those two things to be with her, it wouldn’t be worth it anyway. Sour grapes or the champagne of reasoning? You be the judge.
And anyway, Tailor Made may be a spineless and mindless lap dog, but he’s New York’s spineless and mindless lap dog.
I imagine this decision will be, at the very least, controversial, but you know what? Good for New York for not going with the obvious choice. It only makes her inherent weirdness even more pronounced. Tailor Made may have played dirty, but at least he knew when to scale back and stop being so antagonistic. If I had to watch the Tailor Made from the first four episodes throughout the season, I would have ended up stabbing my eyes out. Ultimately, I think that New York needs someone who’s going to worship her, and Tailor Made is certainly the man for the job.
And god, look at how excited she is.
And so, after two shows and four seasons, New York finally has her happy ending. Let’s just pray that they can keep it together by the time the reunion airs. It’d be a first!
I Love New York 2 show page
Exclusive: New York Is Happy and In Love!
Finale Blog Party!
Finale Forecast: Did you pick Tailor Made?
New York Isn’t Pregnant, But…
Deelishis’ Semi-Nude Photo Shoot
BFFs: New York & Lil Mama
Gay, Straight or Buddha?
Interviews: Punk | The Entertainer | Mr. Wise | Midget Mac | 20 Pack