Tila Tequila and the Awful, Terrible, No-Good, Very Bad Mistake (Finale Recap)

Tila Tequila, we, the staff of VH1 Digital, humbly submit to you the following: We stuck with you, through thick and thin, and no one can deny it. We supported you long past the point of any sane person supporting anyone on a reality TV series. When your judgment was questionable, we allowed you the benefit of our doubt. When your choices displeased you, when they brought you to tears, we sat here in our offices and told each other that it was OK, that you were just going through a phase, that sooner or later you’d stop wearing shimmery outfits fashioned from hankies and learn that clothing wasn’t some evil mainstream instrument designed to rid you of your charisma. We thought you’d learn. We had high hopes.

Well, Tila, it’s over.

How on earth could you have chosen Bobby? Have you lost your mind? Are you blind? What’s wrong with you? Moreover, what’s wrong with us? How could we have believed in you?

Last night’s episode of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila was, simply put, a travesty. An unmitigated disaster. For Saturday Night Live aficionados, it was Bad Idea Jeans. But you don’t watch SNL, do you, Tila?

First, you began your finale by inviting your remaining two contestants to the studio with you. There, you introduced them to your producer, who, you noted helpfully, also produced for Paris Hilton. Great, we thought: Another opportunity for Banksy to punk someone. But that high-minded optimism was all for naught, as it seems you had other plans in store. Namely, that your potential paramours rap for you. They did so over your track, “I Love U.”It’s not a very good song, but Dani and Bobby did their best. Bobby’s rapping was sad and a little lame; Dani’s was loud and professional, if also a little frightening. She used the phrase, “bunch of sluts,” however, referring to what she’d thought she was going to find at the Tequila Manse, which endeared her to us nevertheless.

But not to you.

Then we were treated to an awkward and absurd photo shoot, which, in TV-time, lasted approximately 45 seconds. First, you, Bobby and Dani dallied about in formal wear. Then you, Bobby and Dani dallied about in Tarzan outfits. The logic had something to do with your exposing them to all aspects of your life, but it’s safe to say that we missed the point. Bobby looked ridiculous, Dani twice as much, and looking into your eyes, we began to feel that the only thing you could truly love was the camera. But we digress.

Retiring to Casa Tequila, you brought Bobby and Dani in for a dinner of Vietnamese food and one final surprise (the last surprise, really, until you picked Bobby and crushed our hopes for your happiness). The doorbell rang and in walked Bobby’s mother, step-father and brother, and Dani’s mother and cousin. Then you proceeded to have an extremely uncomfortable dinner that actually curdled the food in our stomachs. During the meal, the mothers went head-to-head in a shameful verbal display, particularly on Bobby’s mother’s part. She was defending her son, yes, but she insulted Dani, insulted Dani’s mother and managed to insult your viewing audience, too, Tila. Apparently you were too busy to notice. What were you doing? We think you were playing with your dildo chandelier. In a word: gross.

After dinner, you assembled your guests in your fetish den . . . er, playroom, for dessert. There you demonstrated the whys and wherefores of your stripper pole. Your breasts popped out, as did the eyes in Bobby’s little brother’s head. Then Bobby’s mother took to the pole. In another word: grossest. His step-father observed that you were a natural. We couldn’t disagree. And speaking of which, when you gave them the tour of your house and showed them the bed on which all 32 original contestants slept (grossamundo), did you miss the part where Bobby’s mother said that Bobby was very cuddly, and that he would cuddle with anyone? How about when she told the world that Bobby slept with her in her bed until age six? We write this with all due respect: seriously, Tila, what the f*ck? Really?

The families departed, each exhorting you to choose their respective offspring, and Dani and Bobby went to bed, where they slept fitfully. In the morning, Dani was cranky and Bobby was talk-y, and they shared an uncomfortable breakfast. Then you gave them each pedicures. While they were soaking their feet, each enjoyed an exceedingly long and painful flashback of their experience on the show. We were treated, yet again, to shots of the chocolate pool, Vanessa horking up bull penis, Ashley’s marauding rampage, and other low-lights of the past 11 weeks. Thanks for that. That was great. Wonderful. We would have cracked a smile, or maybe even laughed, but we were too busy being irritated. Silly us!

Then each contestant enjoyed one final date with you. First, Dani. There was almost nothing remarkable about your dinner, other than, oh, you know, you told her that you loved her. Not in the way people sign e-mails “Love” or the score you can achieve in a game of tennis. You told her that you loved her the way that John Lennon told Yoko. You were messing around with some pretty powerful stuff, there, Tila. How does it feel to have destroyed her? Dani gave you a keychain and a note with her number, promising to be there for you forever, regardless of what happened. We thought that a selfless gesture.

Then it was on to Bobby. You met him in the grotto, stripped to a flesh-colored swimsuit and made out with him. You also dropped him hints that he had won. Now, to be fair, we truly do believe that Bobby’s a good guy. He seems to have your best interests at heart, and we’re well aware that you can’t choose your parents. But we’re still suspect of your motivations, Tila. Are you toying with him? Bobby offered you a songbook, a thoughtful gift. Then it was elimination time, but not before we were treated to another irritating flashback, in which we actually saw segments that you’d flashbacked to earlier in the same episode. Thanks again. For a moment there, we almost forgot that we were watching A Shot of Love and began to think we were in the middle of A Woman Under the Influence. But we digress.

On top of a Plexiglas platform suspended over the pool, you faced your two finalists. Then you told them that you wanted to take a shot at love . . . with Bobby. At first, Bobby seemed not to have heard you, convinced he was going home that night. Then he ran to your arms. Dani, true to form, excused herself and walked off camera with grace. Then you ran after Dani, hugged her, and returned to Bobby. And then that was it. Or was it?

At the conclusion of the episode, the following words appeared onscreen:

The End?

We sure as hell hope so. You broke Dani’s heart, and for that, we will never forgive you. And it wouldn’t surprise us if you break Bobby’s, either.

Related Content
Tila Tequila Finale: Did You Pick Bobby?
Tila Tequila: Battle of the Sexes (The Fantasy Episode)
A Shot At Love Episode Recaps: 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 1

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 19th, 2007 at 4:17 pm