The Celebreality Awards Pt. 1 – The Achievements

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To recap VH1′s year in Celebreality programming, we’re honoring the craziness (and, let’s face it: crazies) with an informal (and fairly arbitrary) set of awards we’re giving away online. Actually, there are no real awards to give away, but hey, it’s the thought that counts. It is, after all, the holiday season.

Part 1 kicks off today. Below, we look back at the special achievements reached on shows like Charm School, Rock of Love, Ego Trip’s The White Rapper Show, Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women and Gotti’s Way. Our first award is the Achievement in Beauty, Nails Division, which goes to…

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…Sister Patterson! I mean, duh, right?

Achievement in Beauty, Hair Division: Heather from Rock of Love

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We’ve talked at length about Heather’s gravity-defying tresses since Rock of Love aired, and months later, they’re still amazing. To explain her morphing mane, Heather told us that since they were on a show featuring a rocker who made it big in the ’80s (Bret Michaels, duh), “someone had to rock it, and I’m the one with the biggest balls.” Right and right! We’ll see if anyone has balls that big on Rock of Love 2 — obviously those girls have a huge Aquanet can to fill.

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Keep reaching for the stars, Heather’s hair!

Achievement in Beauty, Breast Division: New York

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Another “duh,” right? Well, if you consider the amount of silicone in the Rock of Love house and the fact that those girls still had nothing on New York, the…ampleness of the achievement becomes clearer. New York is forever the HBIC, even when the B stands for “breast.”

Achievement in Sex Toy Usage: Persia from Ego Trip’s The White Rapper Show

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It’s not everyday that you get to see a feisty young woman from Far Rockaway, Queens, intone, “John Brown is a bitch and the clown of the house / I got a dildo in my drawer, I could put it in his mouth,” and then actually attempt to do so. This early indication that Persia was a woman of her word was just the first suggestion of her awesomeness (I still think she was robbed and should have at least made the Top 2, if not won the whole damn show). Although, to be able to put that look on John Brown’s face may have been the best prize of all.

Worst Achievement in Sex-Toy Usage: Dustin Diamond from Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women

VH1 has been known to make people squirm on occasion, but even the most hardened watcher wasn’t prepared for the heinousness unleashed upon us via CFC villain nuisance Dustin Diamond. We sawDustin at a porn convention to promote his supposedly unintentionally leaked sex tape Screeched.

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He showed one of the porn girls his penis and she confirmed that it’s big (a fact not necessarily agreed upon by people who’ve actually seen Screeched). He then remarked that he should market a dildo modeled after himself and give one to fellow Fit Clubber Kimberley Locke because “she needs it.” He then laughed at his own joke. At least someone did!

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Back at panel, Kimberley was furious and leaves the room. We saw her talking on a cell phone:

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“He’s talking about buying me a f***ing dildo of his d***, and I don’t like it!” she shouted. The episode ended early in chaos, with Kimberley in tears, Dustin being screamed at and the image of his rubbery penis etched in our brains for all eternity.

The Do I Look Like I Give a F***? Award: New York

Ignoring the rules of her own show, New York brought back a man who’d been kicked out during the previous episode for fighting:

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And she was, like, thrilled to do so.

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Rules were meant for breaking, I suppose. But you know what the best thing about all this was? There immediately was paperwork to fill out as a result of her decision to bring Buddha back.

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How sexy is that?

The Do I Look Like I Give a F*** Award, Part 2: Irv Gotti

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No matter what your thoughts are on Irv’s lifestyle (and if you wrote in here, they probably aren’t positive), you can’t deny that the man is honest. Maybe it’s to a fault, maybe it’s to a refreshing degree, but that he’d share his decidedly alternative lifestyle (he basically exists in a limbo state with his estranged wife Deb: he provides for her and stays over on weekends, but they technically aren’t together) is something unique in our world of damage-control and image-consulting. Irv opened himself up for ridicule (and frequently cast stones at himself, at one point calling out the “stupidness of Irv Gotti”) in a way that felt unique to reality TV, and considering the schadenfreude people derive from watching reality TV, that’s really saying something. After seven episodes, what emerged was that for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, Irv Gotti is fearless about sharing himself. Pretty astounding, actually.

Achievement in Catchphraseology: John Brown from Ego Trip’s The White Rapper Show

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Savvy reality TV participants know that inventing a catchphrase is a quick way of connecting with the viewing audience, but John Brown took this to a nearly punishing extreme. Sure, Bret Michaels had “It turns me on,” and Rock of Love‘s Tiffany invoked the indelible, “Don’t threaten me with a good time,” whenever anyone would listen, but the thing about those phrases is that they’re actually useful. John Brown, on the other hand, came off as a talking doll of nonsense: pull the string and hear, “Ghetto Revival!” or “Hallelujah holla back!” or “King of the Burbz!” What did it all mean? It took weeks to find out that “Ghetto Revival” was his company (or crew or…something) and “Hallelujah holla back” was its slogan (again: or…something). Even then, these things had little practical usage if you weren’t, you know, immediately down with John Brown. But it didn’t stop people from repeating them ad nauseum. To this day, I still hear them in my sleep. Thanks?

Achievement in Advice: Mo’Nique

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Oh, Mo, grand dame of Charm School, the woman who invented the phrase “the whore of Charm School,” how do we love thee? Let us count the ways:

1. “The behavior you exhibited was whore-like. The whore jumped out and then it jumped back in.”
2. “See, when you do clownery, the clown comes back to bite.”
3. “‘Cause when life get a hold of you, it uses no Vaseline. It simply bends you over, and it’s very painful.”

Those are three (of what felt like thousands) to grow on. Hallelujah, holla back, Mo.

Part 2 of The Celebreality Awards (The Bests) is coming at your non-Vaselined ass tomorrow!

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