To recap VH1′s year in Celebreality programming, we’re honoring the craziness (and, let’s face it: crazies) with an informal (and fairly arbitrary) set of awards we’re giving away online. Actually, there are no real awards to give away, but hey, it’s the thought that counts. It is, after all, the holiday season.
Part 1, dedicated to special achievements in Celebreality, went up yesterday. Part 2 continues today with the superlatives. The first category is Best Filming Location: Hooters on Hogan Knows Best.
You can see that Hulk’s mother is sitting at the table with them, on this final episode of Season 4 of Hogan Knows Best. What’s notable about this is that Hooters was her choice of dining locations. And what’s dually notable about that is Grandma Ruth revealed that she had just visited the jiggle joint the week before, only to revise her recollection: “Oh, it was yesterday!” She’s a regular. At Hooters.
How did the Hogans follow this up? With a visit to Fashion Bug, of course, where Brooke attempted persuade Grandma to buy clear heels, “like me and mom.”
That is a tasty after-dinner mint, if ever there were.
Reunion of the Year: Salt-N-Pepa
They’d been estranged for years and hadn’t recorded together in over a decade, but when Salt-N-Pepa got back together for the sit-reality series The Salt-N-Pepa Show, the synergy that made them one of the greatest hip-hop duos of all time (regardless of gender) resumed right where it left off. Seven weeks of hijinks found the pair interviewing perspective boyfriends for Pepa, performing at an AIDS benefit, reuniting with Spinderella (seriously, “Where is Spinderella?” had to be the second-most-asked question in the comments of this blog, just barely behind, “New York, when are you going to bring Chance back?”), starting a line of hair and marching on behalf of the Jena 6. But no matter where they went and no matter what they did, their personalities shone through — much like they rocked the mic back in the day, in the new phase of their career, they rocked reality.
Happy Ending of the Year: Saaphyri Wins Charm School
The choice of Saaphyri as Charm School‘s queen of queens didn’t go without controversy (many thought the first-runner-up Leilene improved the most over the show’s 10 weeks and therefore should have been crowned winner), but Saaphyri’s reaction alone made it all worth it. And then she got her Ugg boots back and she really had her happy ending.
With the $50,000, Saaphyri pledged to start her own business (the Lip Chap line of lip balm, named after her notorious offering to H-Town, with whom she wrestled over a bed on the first episode of Flavor of Love 2) . And it just launched, too. The endings, apparently, only get happier.
And speaking of…
Happier Ending of the Year: Scott Baio Gets His S*** Together
After weeks of separation from his future fiance, Renee, Scott Baio finally realized what his problem was: he didn’t want to commit for fear of missing out on the next best thing. But for him, it doesn’t get better than Renee. In an Oz-esque twist, it turns out that the first of his ex-loves he visited pinpointed this very problem on the very first episode — but ruby slippers be damned, for us at home, watching him go through Doc Ali’s extensive program made him learning what he already knew worth it. Although, once Scott told Renee he was ready to get married, she dropped a bomb on him: she’s pregnant.
Does his reaction disqualify him from this category, after all?
Happiest Ending: New York Finds Love
Fourth time was a charm for the woman who parlayed being jilted into a television career. New York told us that six months after filming had wrapped, that she and Tailor Made are still going strong and living together. Though this week saw a rumor or two regarding Tailor’s fidelity (or lack thereof), we’ll assume they’re together until we hear otherwise from either of them. God, people, let her have her happiness for once! For her sake, but also for yours: you don’t want us to take to YouTube with a “Leave New York Alone!” rant, now, do you?
Best Villain – Larissa on Charm School
Larissa was so spiteful, confrontational and rude on Charm School that she almost made me cringe…and I live for that kind of behavior!
I mean, she even tore this bagel a new hole!
Who knew that the theft of a few snapshots could turn into the major event of the show that got people eliminated unfairly (Schatar, Darra) and tore apart friendships. It was all part of a plot that led to her undoing, but that didn’t make watching it any less fascinating. Whether she knew it or not, Larissa was upholding the first rule of reality TV: how things end up matters a lot less than how they play out.
Stay stank, ‘Rissy girl. Stay stank.
Woman of the Year – Tiffany from Rock of Love
We probably summed up Tiffany’s greatness best in our Best of Rock of Love post, so allow us to reprint those words and understand that Tiffany is the living, breathing, binge-drinking embodiment of Celebreality. She is what the format is all about.
Everybody, all together: “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Tiffany may have only lasted two episodes, but she left an indelible mark on the show, coming up with the greatest VH1-spun catchphrase since Flav’s gape-mouthed, “Woooooooooow.” OK, so she really didn’t have much competition with all the grunting and half-formed sentences that fly during these shows, but still! To test the endurance of Tiffany’s magic words, here’s a little activity for you to try: Go to a party, walk into a room, scream, “Don’t threaten me with a good time,” and you’ll have at least one friend for the rest of the night. Fact!
After being dismissed on sight somewhat cruelly by Big John, Tiffany became a voice for the jilted by begging her way back into the house.
Once inside, she drank like an alcoholic camel…
…showed us what Bret would call “pole skills”…
…used Raven as a pool cue and/or sex toy…
…butt into everyone’s business…
…pounded Bret’s penis to a pulp…
…and babbled incoherently…
Like, a lot.
Tiffany was rewarded with another night in the house, although a more appropriate gift would have been a sash reading “Queen of the World.” The Rock of Love premiere was a finely chopped whirlwind of sexualized insanity that would have made Russ Meyer proud. It will go down as a classic episode of reality TV, and we have Tiffany to thank for at least 25 percent of the insanity.
Tiffany was sent home the following week, before she could get annoying or too sad. That turned out for the best, for on reality TV especially, it’s better to burn out than fade away. See you in Charm School, Tiff!
Man of the Year: Midget Mac
Sure, someone like Bret Micheals would have been a more obvious choice, but then again, Bret Micheals doesn’t know midget-su.
Midget Mac was simply the most compelling character to grace Celebreality programming this year. Undoubtedly, part of this had to do with the fact that he’s a little person (a point handled with shocking sensitivity by New York). But if he was merely an ambassador for an unrepresented minority, we wouldn’t be writing about him now. No, Midget Mac was more than that: a real, honest man in a house of entertainers. Again and again, as we talked to the eliminated contestants of I Love New York 2, they told us that Midget Mac was one of the few who was truly there for New York, not the cameras (although, to be fair, the exposure he received could only help diversify what being a little person means to Middle America). Spontaneous, funny, adorable (remember when he caught the kiss New York blew?) and large-hearted, Midget Mac was one of the few men on I Love New York 2 that you could bring home to mom, despite whatever Sister Patterson said. Or maybe because of it.
And that ends our Celebreality Awards for 2007. I do want to give a special mention that commenter Jem identified as missing from yesterday’s round of awards. Special shout-out goes to Schatar’s 5-year, $5,000 weave:
That hair isn’t just the best of Celebreality; it’s just about the best thing that existed this year on any channel, via any medium, in any capacity. Period.