The Top 10 Moments of the I Love New York 2 Reunion

I Love New York 2 couldn’t have gone out with a bigger bang if…well, if it had included things not suitable for TV. You know, like actual banging (although Sister Patterson came close!). I can think of no better way to end the series than with 90 theatrical minutes of Jerry Springer-esque insanity. To help make sense of it all, I’ve assembled my10 favorite things that happened during the course of the reunion. Let’s jump right into it and start, funnily enough, at the begging.

10. Those Amazing Intros

For some guys, the half-second that they’re shown on screen as their name is announced is the extent of their appearance on the show. By now, they know to make it count.

For example, It’s way of saying hello was classic It.

This is, like, It’s default expression at this point. It’s his child’s pose, his first position, his buffalo stance.

20 Pack made sure to permanently erase our memories of his insane body that earned him his nickname in the first place with the most minor of changes.

Abs? What abs? All I remember is a blonde streak. He should change his name to 20 Volume after the peroxide he used.

But the best thing about this?

The most enterprising chance to make a first impression was undoubtedly taken by Yours.

He looks so happy with that rubber-band bound stack of money that I think it’s a travesty that La La didn’t call him and his cash to the stage and ask how they met. But then, you know, the cash would probably have produced a gift box with its divorce papers inside, thereby stealing New York’s final-act thunder and we could not have that, now could we?

9. Let Him Entertain You

Am I wrong for finding the Entertainer to be an even better catch after witnessing his home life with his parents. First of all, they’re awesomely Italian (more on them later). Second of all, he has a vast cologne collection (check it in the background lined up above his bed), so you know that his house must smell like tomato sauce (sorry, gravy) and Drakkar, like, always in that place. Yummy! Third of all…

…he’ll sing to you! Either on the guitar or keyboard! Your choice (probably)! Awww.

But the best thing about this?

New York’s reaction to the prospect of actually living there with him: “Not only am I loud when I’m makin’ love, I’m just loud!” The Entertainer’s possible Peter Pan Syndrome was never more useful than when it triggered self-awareness in New York. Bravo, all around.

8. Sister Patterson’s Bid for Tolerance

While gravely explaining how Midget Mac taught her…uh, something, Sister Patterson revealed that she still would not want New York to be with a little person and followed that up with, “You could have ‘em in your house if you want. That’s your choice.” So then Sister Patterson didn’t have Midget Mac stop by for the holidays, I take it? Not even to, like, dress him up as an elf to exploit everything, including the holiday spirit? Well, I’ll be damned.

But the best thing about this?

The audience’s reaction:

“Bigotry is the new slapstick!”

Glad everyone’s on the same page.

7. Wise Flies

You may be surprised that this didn’t rank higher on the list, but really, it was a little too showy and not enough pummely to really resound. I think what happened is that Mr. Wise just learned to fly a few days before this was taped, so he wasn’t truly in control of his new superpower and thus virtually sailed right over Tailor Made. Yeah, that musta been it.

But the best thing about this?

Mr. Wise’s refrain of, “I saved ya life!” His logic went something like: because he didn’t kick Tailor Made’s ass during the spitting incident, he, in fact, saved Tailor Made from…him. Eh? That’s like going to someone’s house, seeing their flat-screen TV and reasoning that it’s a gift from you since you aren’t stealing it. Merry Christmas, everyone, from Mr. Wise.

6. Buddha Calls New York on Her S***

After New York clenched really hard to squeeze out some tears while describing how hard her job is (“You guys don’t get picked and you turn on me!”), Buddha seized the moment to lightly mock New York’s dramatic tendencies…

“Ladies and gentlemen: New York!”

Everlasting HA!

But the best thing about this?

Since Buddha is no stranger to the field of drama, he succinctly proved that the cliché that goes, “It takes one to know one,” is nothing but the truth. Thank you for helping me believe, Bood.

5. Reunited and It Feels So Official

Over the course of New York’s reunion with Tailor Made, we learned:

A. It wasn’t a reunion at all (they’d been living together for months).

B. He’s officially divorced.

He presented his divorce papers to her in a gift box. He is officially the law’s gift to New York.

C. She not only isn’t pregnant, she won’t be any time soon, due to outstanding “umph.”

“I’m not changing diapers anytime soon. No.” How nurturing! Who wouldn’t want to settle down with her?

D. She is, however, ready to get married.

Or at least she’s ready to wear a ring (which, btw, we never got to see!). “I want it!” she exclaimed and it was unclear as to whether she was referring to a lifetime of commitment or new jewelry. Actually, it was extremely clear to what she was referring.

E. Tailor Made’s gotten stronger.

Unlike previous instances, he showed no sings of strain when carrying New York off. A happy ending, indeed!

But the best thing about this?

New York’s response when Tailor Made re-popped the question:

“La Laaaa!”

I hope that from now on, no matter who she is, no matter where she is, no matter whether she’s in the presence of La La or not, whenever a woman is asked for her hand in marriage, she should scream, “La Laaaa!” before giving her final answer. It just seems right.

4. It Storm

OMG, how amazing is It?

Between his open-mouth breathing…

…his brick-chopping…

…(everyone all together now: “I’m tryin’ to show you what I can do!“)…

…his “white voice” and non-glorifying of the projects…

…and his gift of French fries…

…(now, by the way, New York’s nickname isn’t “Sugart**s”…it’s”Oilt**s”)…

…the guy is amazing. I would so watch I Love It. For you see…

But the best thing about this?

We got the chance to be reminded how freaking cute he is.

Seriously: best-looking guy on either of the two seasons. I’m calling it. And what?

3. Crying Wolf

God, how embarrassing. A penile examination gone awry.

You could tell he was really crushed about the whole thing, too. That big d*** is his selling point, damn it!

But the best thing about this?

Actually, there are two best things. The first best thing is that Sister Patterson took her purse over to the examination area…

Not that she needed anything in it — she just didn’t want La La rifling through her stuff. You know La La’s sheisty like that.

The second best thing is that Sister P’s ultimate conclusion gave me the excuse to make this gif:

I suggest posting that on people’s MySpace and making it your LiveJournal icon and stuff. That’s how Sister Patterson would want it, anyway.

2. The Champion of Her Heart

A motif of this season was open-mouthed eating — Midget Mac and It were repeat offenders (surprise!). But that pales in comparison to the tongue sandwich Sister P (who, if you haven’t noticed by now, completely stole the show at this reunion) inhaled:

In response, New York regressed to the mentality of a 5-year-old:

“You better sit down, motherf***er! My mom always gonna choose me over you. You’re disposable! You’re disposable!” Is New York really that insecure? Her mom has stuck with her this long. Wouldn’t she have left by now if she was going to go?

But the best thing about this?

The flashback footage gave the producers the excuse to render this image:

Sister Patterson with crazy cleavage? That’s something I never thought I’d see, but now that I have, I’ll never be able to scrub the image from my brain. Thanks, Photoshop!

And finally…

1. A Family of Entertainers…

While the Entertainer’s mom won the last battle she faced with New York and Sister Patterson (I think, “My husband’s ass looks better than you,” sealed it), I’m not so sure that she was victorious this time around. Don’t get me wrong: she’s amazing, but this…

…paled in comparison to this…

…and especially, for sheer bizarreness, this…

I mean, after the pinky thing, I’m so impressed that Sister P found yet another new way to gesture her talons.

The woman is absolutely amazing. Oh, sorry, I typed “woman.” My mistake. See, the biggest and best reveal, the best thing about not just this but the whole show was when the Entertainer’s mom said that they were going to talk about their previous fight “as two humans,” and Sister P quipped…

“I’m not human.”

Plain and simple. That is the touché to end all touchés. She isn’t human because she’s a force of nature. Bring on her spin-off!

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