Auditions: Philadelphia

Modestly assured of its star-making power — even as Katharine McPhee and Taylor Hicks are dropped from their labels — American Idol returns for a triumphant seventh season, ready to mint a label-ready American pop star. Again.

With Idol, the beginning is the worst. Thousands flock to audition, each bringing with them a pittance of talent and, more often than not, an excess of volume. As we opened in the City of Brotherly Love, we watched Randy, Paula and Simon enduring the following Philadelphians:

Most Frightening: 16 year-old Temptress Browne, middle linebacker for her school’s football team. Looking uncomfortable in her caftan, Temptress barked out Jennifer Hudson’s rendition of “I’m Not Going” from Dreamgirls. Unfortunately, she was going – all three judges agreed that she cannot sing, though her determination to make Idol for her obese, dying, wheelchair-bound mother is touching and sympathetic. Before auditioning, Temptress confided to the camera that if you make her mad enough, she will break your bones. Perhaps sensing this, Paula loopily insisted on a group hug as Temptress was on her way out the door, which did not seem to include Simon.

Most White: 18 year-old Mark Hayes, whose lily-white face and lily-livered performance of “White Christmas” was as boring as anything on the entire episode. Everyone dozed. See you next Christmas, Mark.

Most Un-Idol: Everyone loves an underdog, but financier Udgeet “Ugi” Sampat just couldn’t sing. He plodded through Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” with the one note at his disposal — “slightly disturbing,” thought Simon. Even Paula, who can typically be roused by even the most talentless of male auditioners, couldn’t feign interest.

Most Frightening (1st Runner-Up): The gold medal for fear still goes to Temptress Browne, but nipping at her heels was Allentown’s Alexis Cohen, a 23-year-old veterinary student in drag-queen makeup looking for the personality vote. Her yappy Grace Slick cover led Randy to suggest a ’70s cover band, but Simon found her less Grace Slick, more Willem Dafoe in Spiderman. Alexis made the best of a bad situation and addressed the camera directly for the last of her 15 minutes of fame. “Why do I feel like giving the camera the finger? Why do I feel like giving the camera the finger?” she bellowed. It was hard to say for sure why she felt anything, but more likely than not, she felt like giving the camera the finger in response to all of America giving her the finger from their living rooms.

Most Touching: 26-year-old Chicagoan Angela Martin, whose Idol bid is in support of her young daughter with Rett Syndrome, a neurodevelopmental disorder. Angela’s a wedding singer and Simon thought she needs to “de-wedding-ize” to be a contender, but she was good enough for the golden ticket to Hollywood. Idol loves a back-story, and Angela and her daughter are poised to deliver.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: 39-year-old Milo Turk, technically too old to compete under the bylaws of Idol, was briefly allowed to sing his message-song on abstinence. Bald and bedecked in a leopard-print vest, he managed to get out “No sex allowed — if you don’t like it, get out of town!” before getting cut off. It’s hard to imagine that Milo ever had the occasion to turn down sex.

Most Vanilla: Kristy Lee Cook, whose country-fried version of “Amazing Grace” won the judges’ approval. She’s on to the next round, but she’ll need a hook to win America’s heart.

Most Misguided: Paul Marturano, whose love song to Paula–during which he mouthed “I love you” to the visible discomfort of Simon–would be clever if it were not quite so creepy. “I’m not much of a talker, so I’ll just stalk her,” sung Paul. “If I were Colombo, I’d Peter Falk her.” Paula looked a little intrigued at the possibility of getting Peter Falked, but Paul is not going on to Hollywood.

Most Committed: Portly Benjamin, who arrived in a crushed velvet cape and decorative bikini, was initially rejected for his chest hair — and, presumably, how creepy it was that a chubby, geeky-looking guy arrived in a crushed velvet cape and bikini. Ever the optimist, Benjamin returned depilated and baby-smooth, but Simon refused to let him get even three words into The Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’tcha” before ushering him out.

Most Likely to Be Ruined by Idol: Demure babysitter Brook White who, by her own admission, has never seen an R-rated movie. Randy, with a creepy flourish, called her “something like pure.” She’s on to Hollywood and the disintegration of whatever moral integrity she may possess.

We’ve barely scratched the surface of Idol’s seventh season; see you tonight in Dallas for more

–Matthew Schneier