Each of Brit’s Personalities Deserves an Obit

You may have heard that Britney Spears is allegedly suffering from–among other numerous things–multiple personality disorder. She’s got a few Britneys that can pop out at any time, including the British Girl, the Weepy Girl, the Diva and the Incoherent Girl. They sound like the scariest girl clique ever. Seeing as the Associated Press has already written Brit’s obituary in case she kicks the bucket (how classy of them), we’ve penned obits for each of the Britneys that exist, in hopes that maybe a new, singular personality can emerge: Normal Girl.

Diva, Who Looked F*cking Hot in a No Underwear, Passes Away at 26
Diva was hot and sexy and didn’t give a crap what you thought. She doesn’t care if you’re reading this obituary or not. She leaves behind numerous people who can f*ck off and go to hell: her ex-husband Kevin Federline, his lawyers, her lawyers, her parents, her knocked up sister, all her ex-assistants who sold their stories to Us Weekly, President George W. Bush, Kermit the Frog, Candace Cameron and the entire cast of Full House, and her dog, London.

Incoherent Girl, Who Like Y’all What! Hey?, Gone at 26
Oh my word–this butter dip is amazing. Incoherent Girl got some new shoes and they look like tree trunks floating on marshmallows down a river of bread crumbs! There is a cat on your head. Let’s remember that time she accidentally peed her pants on a cruise ship–whoops! It sure is cold in here, y’all.

British Girl, Lover of Pregnancy Tests, Dies at 26
Just a wee lass, British Girl passed away after spending a prolonged time kneeling and searching for hair dye at Rite Aid. She was accompanied by her mate, photographer Adnan Ghalib, when she passed. They two had reportedly been snogging for a few weeks. She will be remembered as sassy and extremely annoying. Her American-ish style of speaking British English will be missed.

Weepy Girl, Who Cried About Everything, From Her Kids to Taco Bell, Dies
Weepy girl was best known for all the times she cried sitting in the passenger seat of her own car. She was a passionate wearer of giant sunglasses and adored the Marlboro Lights that calmed her down. She’ll be remembered for her big, red swollen eyes and general “I don’t give a f*ck who sees me cry” attitude. Sniff.