Shut Up, Perfect Jessica Alba

Move over Britney Spears – Jessica Alba is quickly becoming the most loathsome celeb in Hollywood. It’s not her good looks or charmed life that kill us inside; we can even handle the fact that our cat is a better actress than Alba is. But when she opens her big, beautiful mouth and starts talking, our blood boils and our skin crawls. She’s just so effing clueless about how lucky she is, and it comes across painfully in the stupid things she says. Take for example, her feelings about breastfeeding: “[It] is the only thing I’m paranoid about,” she says. “More than giving birth.”

Really? It’s a boob sagging thing, we’re sure. But Jess should be fine, because she’s not pigging out on ice cream during her pregnancy. Nope, the starlet is watching her waistline, even though it’s supposed to be getting bigger (because, you know, she’s pregnant). “I try to eat as healthy as possible [and] exercise,” Jess continues. “As long as I don’t gain too much, too fast, that’s the key.” Ugh.Excuse us while we go stuff our not-pregnant selves with Doritos and cry. [Us]