In this episode, Scott Baio travels back to Brooklyn to find out what kind of kid he was, so that he can figure out what kind of parent he’ll be. And just what kind of kid was he, you ask?
An animated one. Duh.
When we open, Scott is at his daddies-to-be meeting. The instructor goes over a chart that details parenting styles.
There’s the cop, the firefighter and the nurturer. What kind will Scott be? Who knows? His dad parented on the civil-servant tip, while is mom was more of a nurturer. This leaves Scott “confused as hell.” A fellow father-to-be says that before his first child, he had the same amount of self-doubt, but that a trip to Brazil straightened him out.
I hardly see how a through waxing of one’s nether region will help with parenting. Oh wait: wrong kind of Brazilian. Anyway, seeing as how Scott has nothing to do and no better ideas this week, he’s going back to Brooklyn, stylin’, profilin’.
At the batting cages, he lets his boys know his plan.
Steve has to scout wedding locations, so he will accompany Scott. Johnny has to have his presence be a constant threat, so he suggests that he, too, may accompany Scott. Oh well, a little suspense never hurt anyone.
Back at home, Renee is painting their forthcoming daughter’s room just-cut grass green and Scott doesn’t like that one bit.
He asks her to go to Brooklyn with him, and Renee doesn’t like that one bit: she can’t fly one month before she’s supposed to give birth! Is he crazy? Perhaps! He informs her that Steve’s going with him anyway, and she’s cool with that.
You know what’s weird, though? She’s not allowed to fly, and yet, at 8-months pregnant, it’s totally cool for her to have sex.
As she seduces him, we’re treated to an up-belly shot that underscores just how pregnant she is.
Scott hesitates, and then resolves to “git her done.” I think I saw that phrase once accompanied by the Confederate battle flag on a T-shirt. As they traipse off, Scott warns that he may not be able to perform. We never find out whether he could or not, which is fine with me.
For you see, the next thing we see is that Scott is on his way to Brooklyn via plane.
Scott Baio, this is your future.
Once on the ground, Scott meets up with his old friend, Anthony.
They, in turn, meet up with Anthony’s Uncle Robert.
Scott asks Uncle Robert for some parenting advice. “Just grab and kiss him and kiss your wife for giving you such a beautiful baby,” says Uncle Robert. He adds: “Let him grow and you watch him.” That’s terrible advice! The baby’s a girl. Kidding, although it doesn’t satisfy Scott sufficiently.
Then: more old friends, more hugging.
They visit their neighborhood sandwich shop, which features hero sandwiches named after famous Italian Americans (get it – heroes?). There are 153 of them and not one is named after Scott. Ha! He complains and we soon find out that he gets his way…
…’cause he’s powerful like that!
Scott breezes by the house he grew up in…
…and says hi to Anthony’s mom from the ground…
…until they hit their last stop: the Catholic school Scott and Anthony attended as kids.
They meet up with an old teacher that Scott used to have a crush on.
Rowwwr! You can totally see why. Homegirl is smokin’.
He asks her for parenting advice and she agrees with Uncle Robert: love and understanding are the most important things he can give his child. “Just be you,” she says. Somehow, the two items of advice are at odds. Scott excuses himself and goes to pray.
He spots a nun and asks her for parenting advice.
Uh, doesn’t her calling dictate that she should know nothing of parenting? Whatever. She’s totally useful, anyway: Scott breaks down and says that what’s getting him down is that his father died and he can’t tell him about the baby.
The nun is very comforting and gentle, noting that Scott’s father is with him still and that he has a “front-row seat” to watch the baby being raised. This makes Scott feel a lot better. The fact that Johnny V never did make it out to Brooklyn makes me feel a lot better. Everybody wins!