On this show, there’s no end to the visual metaphors. At this point, it’s comforting, really.

We open with a shock:

It’s Big John…and he isn’t wearing a hat! I thought I’d never see the day. Are pigs flying? Is hell frozen over? Is Bret now going bandanna-free?

He gives them the Bret Mail, which, as usual, isn’t helpful at all. Nonetheless, Kristy Joe and Catherine share a laugh.

Remember when they hated each other? Ah, memories.

The girls are given outfits to wear. Given the clues of the Bret Mail (not to mention the rampant parallels to last season), some girls surmise that they’ll be playing football today. Daisy is skeptical.

Daisy thinks that every idea is stupid until she finds out that it’s been sanctioned by Bret. Remember how she mocked the proposed dance-off? And then went on to win? Hmmm, I wonder if that’s her secret. Maybe the lesson here is: mock it till you make it.

The girls are carted to a field and, indeed…

…they will be playing football.

Bret picks two captains…

…Catherine is super-excited to be in control of a team:

You gotta admit: she looks like she’s lots of fun. The cheering confirmed what the hair had already suggested.

Bret explains how the game will go and before he’s said anything even mildly scandalous, Megan seems to protest:

This girl is awfully easy to scandalize. Hold that position, Meg: snow is on the way, and as long as your mouth is open that wide, so is a snack!

And speaking of that, Bret explains that the conditions for this Mud Bowl will be different. There will be rain, there will be snow, there will be wind, all controlled by him.

“Today, ladies, I am a god!” he announces. Apparently, being worshiped in the house every waking second of the day hasn’t been enough, and he’s turning to the weather. Hilariously, after his announcement, he tells Big John to turn on the rain. Uh, if Big John is the one actually controlling this stuff, isn’t he technically the god? I don’t think you can outsource omnipotence.

Regardless, it rains.

It snows, it winds. Awesomely, after all that, the teams still must be picked and the games must be played. Catherine is sopping as she does her lady-boss thing.

She explains her strategy: “Inna and Peyton are my top picks, because I know they’re the biggest and I know Inna will, like, break somebody in half.” I hope that we get to hear more from Catherine, if only because all of the open hatred has made me forget how much I love hearing backhanded compliments.

Also someone to hear from more?

She describes the stress of the team picking, saying her attitude went, “Please pick me! I’ll clean your room!” Uh, isn’t the room she’s referring to most likely her room, too? How selfless.

Because there are an odd number of girls, the last girl standing won’t play or have a chance to win a date today. It turns out to be Megan, but she’s fine with that.

She says it’s too nice a day to get all muddy and that she’d rather lay out. I admire her spirit and/or lack thereof!

The teams are picked. They are:

Also, for no obvious reason, Bret does this:

I just thought you’d like to know that.

The game begins.

Ambre is awesome.

In virtually no time, she scores two touchdowns and shows the mud a thing or two.

There’s kind of a lot of inadvertent nastiness, actually. I suppose sliding around in mud will do that.

Anyway, Daisy takes charge and goes, in Bret’s words, “she-wild.”

After touchdowns from Kristy Joe and Inna…

…the game’s all tied up.

Ambre runs the ball all the way to the end, but ends up fumbling, giving Daisy the chance to grab the ball and run it all the way back down to her end of the field, scoring the winning touchdown.

The Fallen Angles prove to be extremely gracious winners:

The Sweethearts, meanwhile, mourn their loss:

Ah, drama. Where would we be without it?

Then it’s time for Bret to pick his MVP, who will get a solo date that night. Daisy is nervous.

But she shouldn’t be. Because it’s her, duh!

And so, Daisy wins another challenge that she had previously mocked before understanding the exact nature of it. Also, it’s notable that before the game, she had doubts regarding her performance.

See how far not believing in yourself can take you, kids?

All the way to 1st Base! That’s Bret and Daisy right before their MVP date, which will be held at a place called Forplay. It is a lingerie shop with stock that’s as charming as its name:

OK, so that’s, like, shiny ribbon. You could totally get the same thing in the Hallmark store. It would just be packaged differently, allowing you to save money and dignity.

But how much fun would that be? Bret and Daisy shop to find her something to wear.

“See, I like this one ’cause it’s short!” says Daisy. Uh, isn’t that like Bret looking at the girls in the house and saying, “I like this one ’cause she’s blonde”?

Daisy does a little fashion show for Bret after they’ve picked out a few outfits:

On the last one, Bret says: “It is hah with a hah-hah and a hat.” Never has inarticulateness seemed more appropriate. Then, we see him complimenting Daisy.

“You’re sexy, you sing, you know music, you play bass, you’re tough, you’re cool. It’s just, it’s a win-win…win-win-win-win.” You know, I was totally going to mock him when he first said “win-win” since he presented more than two traits (although the music could all be wrapped into one, no?). But then he corrected myself and beat me to the punch. Damn you, Michaels! I’ll get you yet!

Bret and Daisy eat in the lingerie store. Edible underwear and body cream for all! It’s a veritable smörgåsbord.

During dinner, Daisy says she has lots of questions for Bret. The first thing she’s dying to know is how tall he is. Seriously? This is what’s been burning on her mind? She couldn’t, like, eyeball him to figure it out? She follows that up with something even more brilliant: “Do you like to travel?” Bret, who’s almost valiantly patient with these girls most of the time, kind of rolls his eyes and says, “Obviously, at this point in my career.” I’m going to give Daisy as much of the benefit of the doubt as I can and say that she’s acting as though she’s obligated to talk. While this is silly, as it’s clear that she doesn’t need to so much as open her mouth to get maximum attention from Bret, its silliness is dwarfed by what she’s actually saying. Bret sums everything up by creepily acknowledging his “sexual connection” to Daisy, and saying that so far, it hasn’t been met emotionally. Go figure.

Meanwhile, back at home, there is high drama.

Peyton and Catherine complain about their lack of time so far with Bret, and that people like Daisy are winning the challenges and hogging his time. Peyton, whose default mode is “frantic,” devises a plan: she will write Bret a note. Because the written word has so much more power than jiggling and whining. That’s her theory, anyway.

She posts it on Bret’s door…

Meanwhile, Megan exhibits some fairly surprising literacy and writes a note of her own:

She sees Peyton’s note on Bret’s door and replaces it with hers:

Then outside, Peyton reflects on what she wrote.

She explains to the camera, “I wanted to make sure that it didn’t come across like a bunch of crazy statements.” I think she’s speaking in relative terms. She goes back to Bret’s room to check and lo and behold: the note is no longer there. She confronts Megan, who plays dumb. This can be considered method acting, right?

Peyton writes another note, which she slides between Bret’s doors and this is again intercepted by Megan:

Megan, of course, reads this one, too.

Ah, the revised edition, now with two scoops of crazy statements! Seriously, if you weren’t familiar with what just went down, that first sentence alone sounds like one big paranoid ramble. Bret, however, will never get the chance to experience the crazy statements for himself as Megan promptly hides this note.

Persistence pays! Unless, of course, it’s in the form of increasingly crazy statements. The life lessons abound.

Bret arrives home and hangs with the girls. Catherine shoots pool and tells Bret if she makes her next shot, he has to spend five minutes alone with her. Despite the two things being unrelated, Bret agrees to this.

Catherine makes the shot, and BAM! Five minutes in heaven, baby.

It’s probably seconds into their meeting and Daisy comes around to see what’s going on.

I know that a competition like this practically requires outrageously cutthroat behavior, but this is ridiculous. Be fair Daisy: Bret’s got enough saliva to go around! Bret, much to his credit, has no problem sending Daisy away. Catherine yells after her, “I won this time, bitch!” OK, Catherine is officially the most awesome person of…uh, the last five minutes, I guess.

The next day is the group date for the rest of the Fallen Angels. Said date will take place in this car…

This car, apparently, requires Dukes of Hazzard-style exiting.

You know, you spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a Lotus, and you’d think that a functioning door would somehow be included in the package.

This date, like many others, gives Bret a chance to bond with the girls. And by “bond,” I mean that everyone gets alone time.

Eh?

Before Kristy Joe takes off, Bret compliments her by saying, “You look really, really hot, though. And that’s all that matters!” Gee, how telling. Also, how correct.

Inna can’t drive stick and so she does terribly. Bret escorts her away from the car as quickly as possible.

Then, they share lunch, wherein Kristy Joe gives a startling reveal:

“Kristy Joe has restraining orders against two of her ex-husbands. Or an ex-husband and a current husband. And, uh, little bit of a red flag there.” No. Doubt. You have to wonder if Kristy Joe is a little restraining-order happy, or if she just has terrible taste in men. Neither bodes well for Bret. Perhaps she can work this out in the form of a house meeting in front of an audience that does not care.

Back home, Bret spots Peyton and says that they have to talk. He didn’t read her letter or anything. He just knew. What a guy!

Peyton’s mode can be described as (you guessed it) frantic.

Though her eye makeup is smeared, her emotional state comes out in a big glop when she asks Bret, point blank, “Are you attracted to me?” Bret’s answer is just as awkward as the question:

“Don’t take this wrong, please. I will try not to let myself cross the friendship, rock-out buddy card, where it becomes more of that than a physical relationship, or else we become friends who occasionally f***.” What on earth is he trying to say. Oh yeah, I know: STOP ASKING AWKWARD QUESTIONS. Also LOL @ “rock-out buddy.” How does one coordinate plans with his rock-out buddy? “Hey friend, up for a night of head-banging?” “Yes, friend!”

Eliminations loom. Megan is not afraid, for you see…

“Me and Bret have a mental…like, Superman, psychological…connection.” Interesting that it’s psychological and yet does not seem to be of the brain.

Eliminations move along. Bret praises Megan for being the “only girl” to leave him a note. Peyton says, “At that point, I realize, that I mean, I might have to rip somebody a new assh***.” Do it

It all comes down to Peyton and Daisy.

Peyton gets called.

Honestly, I’m just as excited as she is that she’ll be around for at least another week.

Daisy, figuring she’s been eliminated, has a meltdown.

But she’s not going anywhere OBVIOUSLY. Bret saved the best for last, in his words. This means no one’s being eliminated tonight! Megan is shocked.

Or maybe she’s been under the impression that they live in a snow globe. Yummy’s on the way!

Daisy throws back her head in ecstasy.

Of course, this means two girls will be eliminated next week, which means we’re not going to be cheated of any tears. Thank god!

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