…failure and embarrassment!
We open on this gorgeous shot:
I don’t know if that’s a breakfast of champions or merely what you need to get by in this house or what, but you know, it’s striking imagery no matter how you use it.
Before we get to this week’s challenge, Bret and Inna meet.
While their connection was virtually instantaneous, lately Bret’s been feeling like Inna’s slipping away. Don’t worry about that Bret: just throw a net on her and keep her in her place.
Funny, because that’s exactly what happens.
OK, not really. I’m sure Inna donned the netting on her own accord but oh my god do I love that this woman keeps busting out (literally!) the nets as outerwear (do you remember the first time?). Please realize that she has at least two articles of clothing like this. That is the definition of a fun fact.
Anyway! The girls are all lined up because they’re getting schooled on today’s challenge: to devise and perform a U.S.O.-style act for a group of veterans. Helping the girls along will be these fine, silver foxes:
They are so hot, you have no idea. You know what else is hot?
Ambre’s expression. Also?
Ambre’s hat. Finally?
Megan’s request. I just wish she sang it, Chimpunks-style.
The girls team up in pairs (although, the odd number means that Daisy is doing a solo act). Rehearsals commence.
And boy do they! I gotta admit, Joan Arlene kinda sorta really turns me on. Actually, she doesn’t, but I do admire her legs. I’m jealous of the quarter-inch thick stockings that get to smother them. As for Inna and Destiney, they aren’t so much Rockettes as they are Rock…eh’s. “Get with it and stop giggling!” Joan barks at them. Oh, my heart just skipped a beat!
Megan and Jessica will hula-hoop while reciting the preamble to the Constitution. The only problem? Megan reveals that, “I had some trouble remembering words to the preamble, especially because I had never heard of the words before. So I wasn’t just learning the preamble, I was learning new words.”
Annnnd, judging by the look on her face, she’s not so happy to be learning. I’m sure she’d rather be thinking about how hot she is but sometimes you have to make mental sacrifices. Providing that your brain hasn’t already sacrificed itself out of a deep-seated feeling of uselessness, that is.
Anyway. Kristy Joe and Ambre practice what’s bound to be a queer tap-dance routine and Daisy practices the “Star Spangled Banner.” Well, it was spangled. Now it’s just kind of mangled.
They hit the venue for some pre-show practice. Inna and Destiney just cannot get with it and stop giggling.
Joan is not amused.
In fact, she’s not just not amused, she’s disgusted.
Uh, Joan? I love you and maybe want you to have my mensopausian babies, but half-assed is how we do here, and I mean that literally and figuratively. Joan doesn’t like the fact that Inna and Destiney can’t touch each other when they dance. Inna says that by not touching each other, the act is a lot better. “In your opinion!” snaps Judge Joanie. Inna calls her out for being “rude,” and Joan is so not having it. Inna leaves the stage, mumbling under her breath…
I bet the main reason Inna didn’t say that to Joan’s face was because she was scared of landing in the hospital. You just don’t mess with a senior in a leotard.
Anyway, the crowd files in…
Ambre and Kristy Joe are introduced as “Stars and Taps.”
I think “My Country, Spazzily” would have been a more appropriate name, but what do I know? Bret describes Kristy Joe as looking like a monkey on crack, and who am I to argue with a rock star?
Megan and Jessica charm their way into everyone’s hearts with their hula-recitation combo.
Well, almost everyone’s. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Just sayin’.
Inna and Destiney strip weird and wildly, Elizabeth Berkely-style.
Annnd, here’s the cherry on top of this seizure of seedy:
In an interview, Jessica explains that although she and Megan integrated striptease into their act, they did it a lot more classily. Yeah, nothing like some hula hoops to turn low culture into high.
In response to Inna and Destiney’s antics, Joan has a minor stroke.
Finally, there is Daisy.
The banner only gets more mangled, as Daisy sings it. The best part is when she’s supposed to sing, “Oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave…” and instead she goes into the first line again: “Oh say can you see…” only to be corrected by a crowd full of people who are lucky to still have the function of their voice boxes. Daisy, there’s no refrain in the national anthem! At the end, she feels that she did a good job because she’s never sung in public before, and she’s never sung the national anthem, period. OK, I thought she had a music career? And how can be in your 20’s without having sung the national anthem? Was she home schooled? That’s not even a joke. Was she? Someone tell me now!
The crowd must decide whose performance was best. They settle on Megan and Jessica.
Clap-O-Meter, huh? I thought that detected a problem far more grave. You learn something new every episode!
Back at home, Bret and the girls eat dinner. Bret asks the girls who they think is the most fake in the house.
Everyone stammers noncommittal answers. Bret becomes impatient. He’s totally baiting them, right? Ambre finally steps up and gives a teary, seemingly eternal disclaimer…
…before revealing that she thinks Kristy Joe is fake. But only sometimes, like when she threatens to leave every episode and talks about her numerous ex-husbands. Kristy Joe is completely put off and says that she doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone but Bret. Kristy Joe’s reluctance to say anything, even when pressed like this, enrages Destiney.
There’s an awesome sound bite of Kristy Joe shouting in an interview, “Shut up, skank! You’re stupid!” That MP3 should come in handy as a ringtone. I think I’ll assign it to my mother’s calls.
Anyway, Kristy Joe bites back…
Fed up with the bickering, Bret leaves.
Uh, I thought this was what he was pushing for. Did he honestly expect a civil discussion to come from his question that by design pitted the girls against each other? Don’t wind up the Spinjas if you don’t want them to bounce against each other and that crappy plastic wrestling ring, you know?
Destiney angrily pours herself another drink…
…and Megan, in a rare display of humanity, consoles Ambre, who’s now worried that Bret’s mad at her for starting this outburst.
There, there, Ambre. All of your s***-stirring is bound to be rewarded. It’s the karmic law of reality TV.
While Ambre is drowning her sorrows in Megan’s silicone, Kristy Joe is packing to go home. Oh we back on that again?
Bret confronts her and she cries about being fed to wolves or something. Crying wolf. How appropriate. For you see…
…this lands Kristy Joe back in Bret’s room talking about leaving. Now, where have I seen this scene before? Oh, that’s right: on every other damn episode of this show! Bret breaks down his problem with the situation to Kristy Joe: “Everything you say to me from the word ‘go’ is about exiting. It’s always about, ‘I’m going.’” It’s about “I’m going” from the word “go?” Imagine that! Anyway this leads to nothing but more packing.
Meanwhile, Ambre kind of sulks because she’s roommates with Kristy Joe and she can’t sleep with tension. Meanwhile, I can’t take my eyes off her legs.
This is obviously a result of all the physical activity that’s taken place over the past few episodes — the roller derby, the football, the horse riding. You understand why it is, but it still looks a mess. Joan would not approve.
Anyway, it’s time for Megan and Jessica’s date with Bret. First they hit Ed Hardy.
They’re encouraged to pick out an outfit, which will then be custom-tailored to their bodies. It’s like couture, but loosely. Like Pretty Woman loose.
Speaking of Pretty Woman, Jessica gags over the opportunity to pick out an outfit on a date. Megan, of course, mocks this: “Jessica was like, ‘Oh my god. This is so amazing. I’m overwhelmed. I’ve never been bought anything before.’ Completely pathetic.” God, Megan is mean! I would not want to run into her on an ugly day, that’s for damn sure.
The girls get their outfits all cut up…
…and then they eat lunch, where they all gossip about Inna’s fight with Joan.
When is Bret going to cut out the food and bring the thread and make these dates the sewing circles they’re begging to be?
Back at home, Ambre apologizes to Kristy Joe, saying that she wishes that she’d talked to Kristy Joe about what she said before telling Bret.
Kristy Joe stares off creepily (albeit prettily!), like her plans for Ambre’s annihilation are slowly coming into place.
She half-heartedly forgives Ambre, which is as good as it’s going to be for now because it’s time for…eliminations!
Ambre gets her pass first. Eliminations move along without incident until two girls are left:
Who will stay: the drama parade or the love tank? Bret chooses drama and sends Inna packing. They sailed on together, they drifted apart, and now she leaves.
Inna says in her interview that it was her time to go. I love that these girls are so level-headed about their elimination! That Rock of Love isn’t destroying people’s lives makes me feel a lot better about my job.
Destiney, though, isn’t feeling so great about Bret’s decision.
Surely, Destiney, you understand that for reactions like that, it’s so worth it to keep Kristy Joe around. You’re doing it to yourself, babe.
Rock of Love 2 show page