Hotlanta’s all, “Herpes? Who me?”
Whereas, she should have just owned it and sung, “Touch my herpe / Put me on the floor / Wrestle me around / Till I want some…Valtrex.” Turn that negative into a positive, girl!
We open on a debate. To ass or not to ass?
Representing the former point of view is Prancer. The latter is handled by Seezinz, who tells Prancer to, “Put that away.” It’s an interesting idea. Not sure how practical it is, given the circumstances and environment. But interesting! Somehow in this conversation, it emerges that Hotlanta was once a stripper. Prancer thinks that this is rich, as Hotlanta had joined Seezinz in ribbing her for being scantly clad. “How is a little bit of cheekage worse than you taking your clothes off for money?” What she’s lacking in logic (since Hotlanta is, in fact, no longer a stripper), she more than makes up for via use of the word “cheekage.” Prancer wins!
We come to find that the challenge for today will involve a roast. Girls will be divided into teams, and they’ll choose to roast one of the girls from the opposite team. Helping them will be these guys:
Working with Steve will be Bee-Ex, Grayvee, Seezinz, Hotlanta and Bunz. Grant’s team consists of Prancer, Shy, Sinceer, Twins and Myammee. Immediately, the girls get to work. Well, I guess it can’t be considered work since these girls ridicule each other as a matter of fact. Let me revise that: immediately, the girls resume existing. Team Grant immediately decides that they’ll roast Hotlanta, for as Sinceer reasons…
“She’s the ugliest one here!” Well, at least she didn’t burden us with exposition. Right to the point, that’s Sinceer. Also?
The girls are starting to wonder if Hotlanta has herpes. And by “wonder,” I mean, “make jokes about the terrible disfigurement her face has undergone as a result of being the herpiest women in America.” Shy explains:
“I mean, the bump is preganant. I mean, it ’bout to come out. Herpes comin’ out of herpes. I mean, what is goin’ on?” Having already watched this episode, and as a result, knowing what I know about Hotlanta, I can’t help but wonder how many different fathers contributed to the pregnancy of her purported herpe. (It should be noted that “herpe” used as a singular isn’t exactly grammatically correct, but the girls use it so much this episode that they make it grammatically correct. Also, I think it’s cute, and that’s as good of a reason to use a word as any.)
The other team chooses Shy to roast, which: duh. Bee-Ex points out Shy’s resemblance to the ’80s toy My Pet Monster. What a reference! My Pet Monster! For pulling that one out, Bee-Ex’s stock just shot up in my book. I don’t even care that she’s barely accurate.
An obscure ’80s reference is an obscure ’80s reference. Bee-Ex wins! If not this competition, then certainly my heart (at least for as long as it takes me to finish typing this sentence).
Anyway! The roast begins. Noted comedian Sommore hosts.
She mocks the girls for looking young. Uh, really? That’s an insult? This isn’t The Golden Girls. Well, not yet, at least. Just wait a few seasons. Oh god, can you imagine how awesome that would be? Seniors competing for Flav’s love? I’ve been waiting all my life to see an 80-year-old drop it like it’s hot. Don’t let me down, VH1. Anyway, Shy’s is the first team to do the roasting. Hotlanta is called to the stage, and she’s shocked that they chose her.
She’s about to spend some time getting to know herself! Let’s join her.
First up is Prancer.
Prancer jokes that Hotlanta has three different kids with three different fathers. No so fast, says Hotla (that’s what I’m calling her now because I’m sick of typing “Hotlanta” repeatedly — girl need a nickname for her nickname). She explains in an interview that, she has “three kids by two different men.” God, Prancer, get your facts straight. What kind of woman do you think Hotla is? The kind, apparently, who looks like she has a “p**** [that] stank so bad, that her legs are running away from it.” This isn’t a roast, it’s an empowerment pow-wow.
Next up is Sinceer, whose delivery is, to put it simply, Chappellian:
“Flav referred to you as ‘Mylanta,’ ’cause you look like s***, bitch!” Isn’t Mylanta, like, white and creamy? What kind of weirdness is going on in Sinceer’s bathroom? Just asking.
Myammee goes and is sexy.
During the twins’ turn, they bring up the inevitable herpe.
“And what’s up with that herpe on your lip?” Granted, it’s not a joke, but it’s hurtful, and isn’t that the real point of all this?
Just in case you missed it in the millions of other shots we’ve seen of Hotla, her herp is emphasized via graphics.
This show is way too kind to its viewers.
And then, and finally, there is Hurricane Shy.
Oh god, is she amazing. Before she lays into Hotla, she roasts just about everyone else on the other team. Bunz has a big butt! Seezinz’s gender is questionable. Uh, really? Do people really think Seezinz is at all manly? I think these girls just pick insults out of a hat and go with them. In this house, it’s not what you say, it’s how loud you say it. And really, Shy’s conviction is pretty persuasive: she does a wonderful Weird Al-esque parody of Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” by repeatedly yelping, “Are you a man? Are you a woman?” It’s really catchy.
She’s seriously a mini-tour de force.
I love a woman who isn’t afraid to get messy for the sake of comedy.
And that is the precise reason why the other team should have never chosen to roast Shy: she’s got way too good of a sense of humor. She may look and act (and smell, apparently) like an open target, but you’ve seen her on stage. She’s practically Taz-like in disposition. Any insults lobbed at her will be cast away by the sheer force of her flailing.
Bee-Ex is the first to roast Shy, and she makes a decent showing. The audience even laughs at the My Pet Monster reference. Score one for everyone! Shy is, of course, bored…
…but she should have saved her yawning for the travesty that lay ahead. It all goes downhill with Hotla, who…just isn’t funny.
“A-L-P-O. You look like you need Alpo. [Arsenio-esque barking.]” Maybe if she spelled out more of the words, she would have gotten a better reaction?
Bunz is similarly painful.
“When you came out to L.A., you didn’t need a plane. ‘Cause with those wings in your hair, you flew right in…Oh!” Uh, Shy’s proud of those wings, remember? And she didn’t need a plane because she descended upon the house in a Taz-like cyclone. God, Bunz! Get it right or go home.
Seezinz loses her place and then makes a big show of it.
The twins sum up their competitors showing thusly: “Waaaah. Wonk. Wonk.” Eh, that level of coherence is giving the other team a little too much credit, I think. As Thing 1 & 2 say this, they sway, shoulder-to-shoulder.
You know, the more I watch them interact, the more convinced I become that they want to be conjoined. Many undergo surgery to be separated, but these two are just crying out to be sewn together. They remind me of those conjoined monsters on Sesame Street that would sound out words together. “Herrrrr…peeees. Herr…peees. Her…pes. Herpes! Herpes! Herpes!”
Anyway, it’s clear that the first team won and even more clear is that Shy stole the show. She is granted this week’s solo date and is just so thrilled.
She’s so thrilled, in fact, that her response invokes the Chariots of Fire theme, beauty pageants and Oscars speeches. It’s like a million champagne corks popping at a piñata filled with rainbows. It’s that level of exciting.
You know what else is exciting?
Swimming with sharks! That’s what Shy and Flav do on their date. You know, this season really does hit a new level of bonding. I’m not saying it’s a higher level, just a new one. Flav is predictably scared of the sharks that he’s swimming with.
It’s funny how sharks can bring people together.
And just like that, they can be torn apart.
After sharing a kiss with Shy during their post-swimming dinner, Flav literally catches wind of something the other girls have been buzzing about all episode: Shy’s hot breath. It’s so bad that Hotla diagnosed her with periodontal disease, although she never bothered to explain why she was qualified to determine that. Go figure. Anyway, Flav does nothing to hide his disgust.
He offers her breath mints, although that gift is clearly to him and not to her, as he doesn’t bother to explain why she needs them.
Always so nurturing!
At home, Shy gloats about her date by showing off her armpit.
It’s as though she’s bent on blessing the house with as many scents as possible. Bee-Ex is not amused.
Meanwhile, Hotla devises a plan to spend time with Flav. The plan involves donning lingerie…
…moving her butt…
…and then knocking on Flav’s door.
She is a brilliant strategist. Flav points out his concern over her herpe. In response, Hotla says, “Dude, I don’t have no cooties.” Spoken like a true clinician! Flav remains unconvinced.
The next day, he takes the winners of the roast (as well as Bee-Ex, whose performance he thought worthy) to Raging Waters.
These waters have rage, huh? Sinceer, meet your aquatic counterpart:
While they’re not getting their weaves wet, Hotla is being visited by a doctor.
I’m not sure if he’s testing for herpes or just torturing her, but whatever he’s doing involves pricking her with a needle. A needle! It’s that deep?
Like many of her competitors, Hotla is not amused.
Meanwhile, the girls and the Pirate of Love…
…sit around Raging Waters. Flav leaves the table
to accomplish something unspecified (seriously, he tells them he has to do “something,” and he leaves it at that and it’s never explained, which is kind of hilarious) [oops!] which gives the twins the perfect chance to lay into Bee-Ex.
They’re under the understanding that Bee-Ex has been on the “entertainment circa.” Bee-Ex denies this. The twins keep poking. Nothing happens, not even the acquisition of knowledge that they mean “circuit.”
No matter. The twins keep at it at home.
They decide to treat Flav to a three-way bubble bath. Didn’t they just get out of the water? Homegirls are gonna be mad pruny by the end of this episode!
But before they turn to prunes, they’re plumb delightful! They do have a serious agenda to attend to: ratting out Bee-Ex’s unconfirmed involvement in the entertainment circa. After revealing their suspicions, Bee-Ex comes charging in.
She isn’t in entertainment! She was just on one episode of Fear Factor for one day! She curls her fingers when she says “Fear Factor,” as if it makes it less of a show or a circa.
And then, another guest:
It’s Grayvee. And she’s got pigs’ feet!
Why is she always pushing these on Flav? Is she a pigs’ feet stockholder? A cultural attaché for the benefit of hooves?
Anyway, Flav suffers a breakdown over the pigs’ feet.
Between the sharks and the pig’s feet, I’m kind of worried about Flav’s emotional stability. Although, I guess compared to many of the girls in his house, he’s not doing so bad, after all.
Elimination comes and goes and the only truly exciting part (besides Prancer’s Heelies making another cameo) is the reveal of Hotla’s test results. Is it herpes or a zit?
It’s a zit. Well, that’s unfulfilling, now isn’t it? Hotlanta stays, Grayvee goes for being too country, but mostly for being unyielding in her pushing of pickled pigs’ feet.
Well, I guess now she can go get busy putting KFC out of business. No more distractions, no more excuses, ‘Vonne!