Flavor of Love 3 Recap - Episode 5 - Ding, Dong the Witch Is Nude
Once upon a time, under a short, short skirt, there was a butt. And children saw it.
And they were so scarred, they had no chance of living happily ever after.
We begin with Flav spending some “quality time” with Bunz…
Both in front of the other girls, and in private:
And you know what? Bunz is really pretty. I don’t think she’s been on screen long enough in the past for that to be detectable. I’m so glad we got to spend this time together!
Flav informs Bunz that she’s the first girl on his bed. I guess Flav’s taking things slowly this season. Reality TV really is the perfect place to soak in intimacy.
Meanwhile, the twins and Sinceer plot.
Sinceer says that in order to get rid of their nemeses, the “fake” girls, they need to enact “Operation Focus.”
And, really, that endeavor becomes much more noble when you consider that it’s coming from someone who claims to drink five times a day.
Then, it’s challenge time.
Today, children will be let into the house so that the girls can observe them and hopefully pick up more mature habits. Kidding! They’ll be on the receiving end of bedtime stories the girls will create and act out. The girls are divided into teams: one features Shy, Myammee, Bunz; another includes Sinceer, Seezinz, Hotlanta; and the last is made up of Bee-Ex, Thing 1 and Thing 2, Prancer. The girls are presented with some props and costumes they must choose from all at once because why do anything in a civilized manner when you can stampede for it? The twins have their collective eye on one item in particular: “But I know I want that donkey outfit!” And so they get it:
So last week, I noted that the twins act as though they want to be conjoined. I’m taking their excitement over the opportunity to combine as one fake horse (that they think is a donkey) as further evidence of my claim.
Planning gets under way. Hotlanta wears a headband that I bet you a million dollars she would have worn even if there were no performance. She strikes me as someone who always wanted to be a mermaid for some reason.
Seezinz wants to strangle Sinceer, who’s been placed on her team in what couldn’t possibly be a bid to heighten tension, and who also thinks that they should curse at the children.
Whatever, Seez. Sinceer just says what we’re all thinking. Lighten up.
Finally, there is strife in the Shy-Myammee-Bunz group. As they practice, Shy gets it in her head that Bunz should not narrate, for no reason in particular, really. I don’t know, Shy thinks that her way of speaking to children like they’re complete imbeciles is better than Bunz’s way.
That’s splitting (pit) hairs, but whatever. Shy convinces Myammee of this, and Bunz is basically forced to change her outfit as they’re about to go on stage.
A lack of panties hasn’t been more detrimental since Somethin did her somethin’ during the second season.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. The kids come in and Flav’s really good with them!
This is not exactly surprising, given that Flav has lots of practice with kids (or should, at least, given that he’s sired so many) and that he generally speaks slowly enough so that a deaf Aztec could get what he’s trying to convey at any given point. But whatever, it’s still heartwarming. Also heartwarming are his slippers.
The groups go. Bee-Ex reads slowly.
That does not stop the kids from getting all kinds of amped for the horse that the twins think is a donkey and/or their new body.
“Horse! Horse! Horse!”
Hotlanta is hammy…
…while Sinceer is clearly typecast.
Then comes the final group, who tell a wacko story about a witch who runs around with peanut butter on her broom.
Well, let’s hope it’s peanut butter. At one point, Bunz crouches on the ground and…
…she lets the children get to know exactly how she got her name.
The children are not nearly as impressed as Flav.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: know your audience. Next time you sell sex to kids, try putting it in a sippy cup.
The kids deliberate. They loved the horse. They thought the pirate story was OK. Says one awesome kid, “I mean, the story was in the middle. Kinda good, kinda bad!” She totally has a future as a critic and, if the musicality of her voice is an indication, a rapper. Hip-hop’s greatest hype man may have met his match!
Oh, and the kids also HATED Bunz’s ass. Anyway, for reasons that pretty much begin and end with the horse costume, the first group wins.
Bunz reflects that, “OK, yeah, the kids were sitting on the floor, so I shoulda thought about that, but it just kinda slipped my mind in the moment.” She sounds like she’s talking about birth control. Newsflash to Bunz: THE KIDS WERE ALREADY BORN.
Shy and Myammee drill her for her error.
Shy reports that this left Bunz tongue-tied: “She was like, ‘Well, wuh, ruh, ruh.’ Miss Piggy wanted to sing at that moment: Oooooh!” I don’t know what that means, but it sounds…bad.
The back-and-forth continues.
Bunz basically says that she’s sorry and that she wanted to win just like they did. And for real, Myammee and Shy are being very harsh. There’s no doubt that Bunz was irresponsible and the direct cause of their loss, but damn. She offended children, she didn’t blind them. Not entirely, anyway.
I do love the phrase “full bottoms,” though. At least one good thing came out of this.
At one point, as Bunz is smoking, Myammee tells her to blow out her cigarettes, for that’s what she does best. It doesn’t really read as slanderous as it sounds. Myammee is pretty much referring to oral sex, and given that Bunz just spent some one-on-one time in Flav’s bed on top of the fact that Myammee just insinuated that Flav’s just into Bunz because of her ass, it sounds pretty accusatory.
Anyway, Bunz takes her outrage straight to Flav.
Myammee denies having insinuated oral sex, and really, the way that she worded things was cleverly enough to make it at least arguable. It’s good strategy, no matter how you slice it.
It eventually comes around so that Bunz looks like she’s lying, since Myammee never literally said, “You gave Flav’s bird a bath!” Or whatever approximation of that you favor.
No matter. The next day is Flav’s date with the girls who scared the children the least. It requires a special uniform:
They will be dancing. Duh. But first: instruction.
After, Flav reports that “dancing with a guy felt funny.” Funny ha-ha or funny down there? This could be the start of a whole new Flavor!
Dancing ensues. One of the twins, having learned the wrong lesson from Bunz’s Thonggate, gets a little liberal with how high she thinks her dress should go:
I sincerely hope she’s wearing full-bottoms.
Then, there is lunch, with a heaping side of bickering.
Guess who that’s directed at!
And here’s another game: guess who has the longest fingers I’ve ever seen in my life.
If you guessed Thing Number Whatever, you’re correct! She wins! Bee-Ex couldn’t compete with that. I mean, E.T. couldn’t compete with that, come to think of it.
Before elimination, Flav takes one more pass at the girls.
Thonggate and its ensuing inter-group strife are examined. Myammee and Shy seem to convince Flav that they’re in the right. Or, at least, in the weird:
“Liar. Fat-ass, piggy, lying, fat, stank-ass, cat-****. Liar!” I really think that one of her epithets involves a cat. I’m not sure what she means by that, but I’m pretty intrigued.
He also meets with Bunz…
…and Bee-Ex.
Little is resolved, but that goes without saying, right?
Before elimination, Shy makes one final statement on Bunz:
“She needs an out of order sign on her butt.” Let’s first get her a pair of working underwear and worry about the extras later, mmmkay?
Early on, Seezinz gets a pass. She gloats because she and Sinceer still have that rivalry that’s been tossed to the wayside like a dirty thong. But don’t think that Seezinz isn’t committed to keeping that stank alive:
Then Myammee gets hers and she’s so excited that she busts out of her dress.
Oh wait, no. That’s how it was made. My mistake!
Then, something hilarious happens: Flav calls Bunz’s name so she approaches him. But he never said to come up! He just called her name!
See what happens when you assume? It isn’t cool, even if you are named for your butt.
For his final trick, Flav calls up Bee-Ex.
There is more talk about her being on TV. And, uh, hello? Has anyone noticed that Flav has not just been on TV before, but this very show? Why is it that that’s OK, but the other girls have to be inexperienced on TV? Why they gotta be virgins when they’re expected to dress so revealingly?
Anyway, it turns out that Bee-Ex was on Oprah before as Usher’s biggest fan. She has been, in Flav’s words, “star searchin.’” Star searchin’? What would Ed McMahon do?
He’d probably give the twins’ reaction three and three quh-ta stahs!
So, for liking Usher and not being afraid to tell the world about it, Bee-Ex must leave.
Go in peace, and may you ace the spokesmodel challenge, Bee-Ex.
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