Does Pep look fat in this?

She thinks so!

Salt-N-Pepa have a few special events to attend, and you know what that means: it’s time for a wardrobe refresher. And you know what that means: personal scrutiny will ensue.

“I don’t want wings!” yelps Pep when she sees herself in this number. Apparently, gold lamé is something she does want. I wonder how many crunches she’d have to do to get over that. No matter. Pep frets over weight gain that she and, apparently, no one else notices. So she takes the next natural step:

She goes to a plastic surgeon who scrutinizes her far better than she can scrutinize herself.

His verdict? Do more crunches. And you know if a plastic surgeon is telling you that, there’s really nothing he could legally do for you, because they’ll liposuck blood from a stone. He tells Pep that her situation is not an emergency.

She disagrees.

Outside the office, Pep admits that the source of her problem is that she doesn’t exercise and that she’s taking the easy way out. With that in mind, she invites Salt over for a workout.

Said workout consists of Dance, Dance Revolution…

…and sitting on this weird vibrating thing:

Wait, they can show that on TV?

The most detrimental thing is that after her workout, for her one meal of the day, Pep orders, like, half of the seafood on this takeout menu. Salt knows her girl is just being shellfish.

So Salt suggests that they go to this gym in Brooklyn that advertises itself as a boot camp.

Pep cannot get through the workout without apparently falling asleep…

…moaning…

…attaching herself to a pole…

…and finally just shutting down completely…

It’s as though she’s mourning the loss of space in her fat cells.

Later, a very sore Pep goes to Salt’s house where Salt attempts to cook a healthy meal for her. Check out Pep’s reaction to broccoli:

Is she 12? George H.W. Bush? Like, really, what is her deal?

She visits her hairdresser, who suggests she do a “cleanse.” At home, she concocts herself a mixture of lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water. If she hates broccoli, she’s going to love this.

I rest my case.

Then, Pep dons a spacesuit.

I guess she figures that you weigh less in space?

Hey look — two weightloss methods in one:

Is this the anti-exercise equivalent of doing arms while on the elliptical?

For her final attempt at quick, easy weight loss, Pep tries acupuncture.

Note that I didn’t say “painless”:

Finally, it’s time for their event. Salt brings over that gold lamé thing and…

…it fits! No more batwings! All that hard and bizarre work has paid off! Except no it hasn’t: Salt reveals that her accompanying friend altered it so that it fits Pep better, especially around the arms. What a lesson!

With a few snips and stitches, you too can be this fabulous!

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Tags: The Salt N Pepa Show•Celebreality•Television