It’s time for one last cry.

Or two.

Or eight. Or 17. Or…

We open on this:

It really has nothing to do with the episode, or Ambre’s muscle mass most likely, I just like how butch she looks in it. I bet Destiney is feeling pretty turned on right about now.

Then, we’re thrust into the (foolish) heart of the matter:

Kristy Joe has a conversation with her maybe soon-to-be-ex-husband about whether they go through with the divorce. Kristy Joe thinks they should. This is news to him. Wha?!?! What’s the reality show equivalent of a party-foul record-scratch sound? The pitter patter of poop hitting the floor? Of beer being poured on acrylic hair? Of a wagging dildo whistling in the wind? Whatever it is, it should be going off right now.

Meanwhile, in response to last episode’s girl-on-girl drama, Bret is doing what any “real man would” do:

He’s running away. Since he had the main hand in stirring the stuff, is it safe to say that the Bret ran away with the spoon?

Hold that thought and chew on this: Kristy Joe tells Ambre about the conversation with her husband that just went down and Ambre becomes, for a moment, the voice of a nation (or, rather, the segment of a nation who’s watching this show). “One minute, Kristy Joe is happy. The next minute, she’s sad. She’s mad, she’s scared, she’s all these emotions and it’s never consistent with her.” Amen, sister. I would like to point out, however, that as Ambre is describing Kristy Joe’s range of emotions, she herself goes through being…

…irritated…

…bone-cracklingly stern…

…and flabbergasted. Hmmm. Maybe we’re all not so different after all. Maybe life is one big swing and we’re just sitting on it, having moods and stuff.

It’s time or the challenge, which is set up by my all-time favorite oft-repeated Bretism: he promises that it will be “insanely awesome.”

They’ll be creating and shooting music videos for two of Bret’s songs, the testosteroney “Go That Far” (the Rock of Love theme) and the more thoughtful, yet still testosteroney “Fallen.” This guy will help the girls conceive their treatments:

Jessica, Destiney and Daisy form one team, while Megan, Kristy Joe and Ambre are on another. Each team must choose a creative director, who will go on a solo date if her team wins. Ambre pleads for this position:

Unsurprisingly, Ambre’s willingness to get on her knees works. The girl knows the biz! Destiney is chosen to be the other team’s creative director.

Then, they must randomly select which song they’ll be doing. Ambre selects “Fallen,” and is so excited that she hops back to her team like a bunny.

Now, see, that kind of move would be awesome choreography for “Go That Far.” Don’t give the other team any help, Ambre!

The teams get to planning. Daisy yammers on and on with a potential treatment:

“Then you lead us upstairs, and we’re all like, What’s going on? And you give us these outfits and we’re unsure. And then we come out and we’re all like, decked-out, but we’re still kinda like, not confident…” Large-scale insecurity, hmmm? There’s something this show has been lacking!

Anyway, the girls figure out what they’re going to do and start shooting. And by “figure out,” I mean…nothing. Clearly they have no idea, no matter how much planning they’ve put into this. For example, Daisy is unable to work the camera.

“I have no clue! I mean, I’m confused at this point, like, ‘Whaaa?’” Why is this not surprising? You know, I don’t even blame Daisy for her camera illiteracy, I blame her teammates for thinking that it was a good idea to ever give her the camera in the first place. I’m shocked that she didn’t try to blow-dry her hair with it or, like, mistake the lens for a compact mirror and become confused over the contraption connected to it and then frustrated that her mirror is too translucent and convex to be useful, anyway. Not that I’d expect Daisy to use the words “translucent” and “convex,” but you know what I’m saying.

Anyway, Jessica has a remedy to Daisy’s camera confusion: “Pretend like it’s a big c*** and focus!” I bet Daisy still wouldn’t focus for fear of the rooster poking out her eyes.

And in this corner, Ambre freaks out as she’s directing Kristy Joe to pout and look sad.

That’s like exerting time and effort to convince a rock to stay still.

And then…

…and also…

And you know, these videos require very little…anything on the girls’ part. They’re just existing, but in uniformly shorter skirts and heavier makeup. When Ambre directs Megan, “You’re pissed. You’re pissed. You’re pissed,” it’s virtually shocking that Megan doesn’t come back with, “Duh skuh-wared!”

And then there is editing and this shot of a shot that I just happened to grab…

…finds Daisy rocking the second most Hedwig look of the season (right after Aubry’s freakout ‘do).

Meanwhile, the computer that Ambre’s team’s video is being edited on crashes…

…which causes Ambre to glisten…

I don’t know, I think it’s kind of hot on her. Something about dewiness is very flattering. Anyway, their computer goes back online without much work lost and so they can finish in time. Which: duh.

Then, it’s time to screen the videos. The video for “Fallen” is kind of like the video for Guns ‘N Roses’ “Patience,” but with a less spangly phone.

Kristy Joe kind of mopes around and Megan looks like she’s smelling something terrible. Business as usual, but in black and white! At the end, Kristy Joe gets a rose, which would seem to be thornless, as it turns the video into color and suffices as a happy ending. Meh. The video for “Go That Far” is a lot more action packed. Jessica seems to play the part of a hot-but-not-at-all-slutty girl…

…who undergoes the most minor of transformations…

…and makes out with Destiney…

And you know what? It’s about damn time Destiney’s bisexuality manifested in front of the camera. On the first episode, she told us that she was going to make out with girls if Bret wasn’t available. Finally, that’s true in a mostly fictional way. And, really, these days that’s true enough.

Anyway, Bret likes “Fallen” better, which is shocking for a variety of reasons, many of which pertain to the shockingly low level of cleavage in it. Maybe he thought “Go That Far” was too obvious? Clearly, Bret is a man of discerning taste. I mean, if he weren’t there’d be no reason for a multi-week pick-a-mate process, right?

So yeah, “Fallen” wins.

What’s even better than Ambre’s regular blow-up-doll mimicry is Destiney’s unquestionably pissed reaction to losing. In a salute to her Hollywood doppelganger, I’m gonna start calling her Demi Morose. In an insanely awesome manner, Bret promises a “very cool, very vibey” solo date to Ambre. Oooh, please tell me he’s taking her to a Passion Party!

After that’s settled…

…Demi Morose’s pissiness proves pervasive…

Everyone, namely Daisy, freaks out about Kristy Joe’s continued presence. Way to show her you’re a better woman than she is by proving your stability, gals. Daisy refers to her as “Crappy Joe.” If you can say one thing about Daisy, it’s that she really works the named-after-plantlife angle.

And then…

…vibiness ensues. Today’s solo date will take place in Bret’s room. Hmmm, I sense horny vibes and I sense lazy vibes. I’m not sure which is stronger, but then, I’m no Cyndi Lauper.

Today’s date will be guided by this one:

He’s…interesting.

They meditate and breathe and search for peace together and attempt to become hollow bamboos so that god can play music through them. Wouldn’t a trip to a Mexican restaurant have been so much easier? Whatever. Bret and Ambre seem game to wax metaphysical. All is going well until…

Uh, uh, uh! You didn’t bring your backstage pass!

Bret, master wordsmith that he is, sums up Kristy Joe thusly: “Ah, Kristy Joe. Very hot. Verrrry annoying!” Is he the voice of everyman right now, or what? He and Ambre are made for each other! Anyway, I feel bad that Kristy Joe is the house punching bag a lot of the time, but she’s kind of living up to her bum rap with this:

That “real quick” story is the one about the phone call in the beginning of the episode, which would obviously lead to her explaining to Bret that not all of her ends were tied when she entered the house to compete for his love/rock of love. That conversation is going to last a lot longer than your typical stand-in-the-door-oh-grab-me-some-cookies-and-condoms-on-your-way-home-from-the-gynecologist light jabber. You know? So on a purely practical level, Kristy Joe is at least being inconsiderate to Bret and his knees that must endure the eternal stand.

Bret sends her away and he has that voodoo guru follow her. Then the awesomeness really comes out.

The answer to the last question is: yes. Figuratively, we see a mountain of crazy each and every week at least once on VH1. And Satish is, if not, a crazy mountain than at least an insane trash heap (nyah!). Even in her fragile state, Kristy Joe can’t help but be amused by this guy.

She’s totally redeemed herself in the consideration department by not laughing in this guy’s face.

Meanwhile, this gives Bret a chance to suck face with Ambre…

He deems her the best kisser in the house. And who am I to argue with his expertise?

After that, he calls Kristy Joe into his room.

She tells the tale of the not-yet-split-up-from-husband. Bret is taken aback. When Kristy Joe adds that she’s falling in love with Bret, Bret is stoic. He’s always one to pick his emotional battles.

The other girls, however, are not so resilient.

They break down, one-by-one because Kristy Joe is in Bret’s room.

You know, if they wanted Bret’s attention, they should have started breaking down episodes ago. It worked for Kristy Joe. I suppose it’s too late for them to find themselves husbands to split up from, but hey, could be worth a shot.

The tears cease and a new day dawns. It’s time for Bret’s date with Megan and Kristy Joe.

This soon becomes a date for Bret’s tongue and Megan’s tongue.

You know, most girls just kind of ignore it when Bret starts making out with another girl in their presence, so I gotta give it to Kristy Joe for at least gesturing about the awkwardness of the whole thing.

She eventually leaves and sulks.

Cue the “Fallen” reprise.

This gives Megan and Bret the welcome chance to hang out alone.

And you know, Megan’s kind of mean, but she really does have a great sense of humor about all of this. When she and Bret untangle their tongues, she starts to ask him about something and he presumptuously says, “Do you want to know if I like you?” Awesomely, Megan shoots back, “No, I know that!” Duh cubed! At another point, Bret starts to say something and when he starts staring off, Megan takes him to task. He’s not staring off, he claims, he’s staring at her t**s. Well, that changes everything! “It’s OK if you’re looking at that!” You know, she really does understand the game: being ogled is just as valuable as eye contact on this show. First season’s Sam is probably rolling over in her reality-TV grave right now.

Anyway! Kristy Joe comes back to spend some awkward alone time with Bret, in which she says that everyone in the house thinks she’s crazy. Bret zings back with, “Wait, wait, wait. Thinks or knows?” Ha! This provokes Elizabeth Berkley-esque shock on Kristy Joe’s part.

Did Bret additionally eat all the chips or the Doggy Chow or insult the Cheetah or something?

After the date, elimination looms. Ambre confronts Kristy Joe for interrupting her date.

This gives Kristy Joe the opportunity to go off about not wanting approval from anyone but Bret. She curses and gets all…well, Kristy Joian. Ambre is not amused.

I don’t know whose life she’s more scared for: hers or Kristy Joe’s.

Elimination arrives. Ambre gets the first pass. Daisy gets one, too, and stammers something nonsensical.

Plantlife persists. Anyway, it comes down to Megan and Kristy Joe. Bret calls Kristy Joe to get her pass, but first she must tell him if she wants to stay. Kristy Joe cries.

She can’t stay. She has to go home and, like, do stuff. I bet her to-do lists are phrased extremely vaguely. So Kristy Joe forfeits her pass in a way not unlike Aubry and in a way that Aubry told her not to do. So much for practicing what you and/or Aubry preach.

Bret walks Kristy Joe out during this highly emotional exit. It feels eternal.

If you want to find Kristy Joe’s house, start in Encino and follow the trail of tears.

Upon returning to the house, Bret rather pissily throws Kristy Joe’s pass on the ground.

He’s drained. He’s like, “Megan, stay, rock, blah, blah, blah kthxbye,” and returns to his room. Megan is left standing without a pass.

But at least she has that trusty smells-bad expression on. For now, it is enough.

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