Look! It’s Heather!

And she’s doing stuff!

We have now reached the point in our VH1 reality show that should appeal to those into seeing people squirm (and if you’re reading this, I’m assuming that applies): it’s exes day! One by one, Bret calls in the girls’ exes…

It’s not really clear if Josh can actually be called Megan’s ex from her description of their relationship: “A year ago, we kind of dated for six months and I wanted him to be my boyfriend and he had another girlfriend that he didn’t want to leave for me.” Megan’s true colors couldn’t shine through more if her skin were translucent. Witness her sheer and utter embarrassment at Josh’s arrival.

Uh, Megan? Just because you can’t see us, we can still see you. Annnnd by doing that, you’re only making yourself more entertaining, thus watchable.

Ambre is let off the hook entirely, as her current friend will not be uncovering her dirt (since he’s, you know, her friend!). He is a vacuum, while the other dudes are hoes. Wait, that can’t be right…

And finally, there is Bret’s “ex”:

Season 1’s Heather. Whoo hoo! She looks awesome and she acts insanely awesome. Bret explains that while he’s hitting the guys up for info, Heather will hang with the girls. She’ll eventually influence his judging during the night’s elimination. Heather adds…

“I hope you brought your extra liver, bitches!” At last, the Rock of Love 2 house has an H.B.I.C. Heather, you have been missed.

Daisy is not so keen on the idea of hanging with Heather. Why? She’s so yumola! “If I was Heather and I had the control to do that, I would send home whoever I thought was a great match for Bret because I don’t want him to have someone who’s gonna be good.” Especially at communicating, apparently.

Destiney, however, is much wiser and is loving Heather’s presence. She sums up the madness that ensues with: “Heather’s only been here for 10 minutes and already she has us doing body shots and taking our tops off. She’s wild, I love her!” There is, after all, a lot to love:

It’s a bombardment of awesome. Heather’s instigating energy is exactly what this season has been missing.

Elsewhere, there’s nothing quite as exciting as Bret taking his top off and doing lemon chasers out of the other guys’ mouths.

They sit around a cigar club and it’s extremely awkward. Like “But anyway…so…I, I don’t know where to start. I mean. Um.“-awkward. At least we get better looks at the guys:

Also, we hear mostly juice-free nuggets of information about them. Ambre is passionate! Jessica’s sweet! Megan’s opportunistic! Destiney likes to party! Daisy eats peat moss! These are all things I could have told you just by looking at their pre-show pictures, crosseyed.

The fun is still rolling back at the house. Heather takes in the digs and deems herself “a little jealioso.” Oh, how I’ve missed her impish way with words. I’m falling in love all over again, all over the place. Heather leads Jessica and Megan out to the pool and then says…

“Right before the other girls come back: who do you guys hate here?” It must feel good to be allowed to be so openly conniving. Jessica goes into how Destiney’s a groupie until Heather interrupts to ask why Megan looks so familiar. The look on Megan’s face for being finally caught is priceless:

As several hundred thousand people on the Internet have already pointed out, Megan was on Beauty and the Geek. It’s only now that it’s coming to light. Nobody noticed this earlier? For people who are on TV, they sure don’t know a lot about their medium.

Heather gathers the girls in the hot tub for a game of Truth or Dare. She asks Jessica if she’s been “f***ed in the ass.” The answer is no, but Jessica’s still young!

And manically eager!

Heather dares Destiney to do a naked cartwheel. Destiney’s bits are covered by the Rock of Love 2 logo, which may be the most refined thing she’s ever worn on this show.

Then, they all have a round of the social Molotov cocktail that is discussing who’s the worst one there for Bret. Megan says, with some regret, that she thinks it’s Jessica because Jessica is so innocent and young-acting. Jessica proceeds to cry and stomp off, proving Megan’s point entirely. How dare she be so heartlessly spot-on!

Inside, Jessica rants to Heather…

Heather cannot believe the embarrassment of riches (and general embarrassment!) that comes from these girls divulging everything that’s going on inside of them, and gives the camera a good “Holy hell!” If we could only get her to take out a boob, this episode would feel at least as comforting as suckling a mother’s de-pastied teat.

And then: breakdown.

Daisy starts flailing as though her motor skills have become extremely impatient with her (not that you could blame them). She marches in while Heather’s talking to Destiney and demands to talk to her. At first it seems like Daisy’s just throwing a fit because that’s what she does, but then, things get serious. But first, let’s give Heather some time to check herself before Daisy wrecks herself.

There. That’s better.

Daisy reveals what has her so riled up: she lives with her ex-boyfriend. Heather’s reaction is delicious.

Daisy goes on and on…

One could make the argument that she can’t help the person after, either.

When Daisy is done, Heather excuses herself by awesomely proclaiming, “I gotta pee!”

While she’s saying that, I can’t help but ponder how a strip of fabric can make an otherwise simple bikini look so damn complicated.

Heather, by the way, does not have to pee, but she does conduct a meeting in the ladies’ room:

Gossip ensues. In a bathroom? What innovation!

Meanwhile, Bret and the guys hang at Dave & Busters. After being grilled, Ambre’s friend Adam has some grilling of his own to do. He points out that Bret’s concerned with the girls’ legitimacy, but what about his legitimacy? How do we know that Bret’s there for the right reasons in this weird situation? Bret’s response is surprisingly frank:

“I can’t tell ya that it’s not awkward. You go out and you’re having a date, it’s tough enough to date one girl. Imagine dating three on the same f***in’ date and you’re using the same line and they’re like, ‘Didn’t you just say that to her?’ And I’m like, ‘Oh f***.’” Ah, the trials and tribulations of situational polygamy. It’s like Big Love on Aquanet fumes.

Then Jessica sees Daisy’s crazy and raises her a sticker book. She sobs to Megan for having thrown her under the bus.

“The minute I saw you, I was like, that is someone I’d be friends with. My entire life. That is someone I’d pinky swear with…” The true test would be if Megan would trade Barbies with her. Sadly, the state of Jessica’s dolls’ affairs is never explored.

But what is explored is Jessica’s soul from the inside out. Jessica goes on a drunken rampage of confusion and volatility that I will present via screencaps and no commentary. I think you’ll agree that it’s more poetic that way.

The sandwich-as-Kleenex moment alone proves just how wonderfully lubricating alcohol can be. More drunkenness, girls: you’ve been slacking!

Then, it’s time for Bret and Heather to pow wow:

Among Heather’s revelations: Megan was on Beauty and the Geek (Bret, fairly and correctly, considers her current gig to be an upgrade). However, “The upside on Megan is, she got a great rack.” Cool! Not cool, however, is that Daisy still lives with Charles, which blindsides Bret.

It’s as though a lightbulb has gone off above his head but below his bandana.

Meanwhile, at a mixer outside, Megan freaks out because her ex says he’s only there to promote his bar.

Ambre takes her aside…to collect information, of course. Remember that!

Then Bret meets with Daisy and Charles to inquire about their emotional attachment.

It’s cool, no worries.

Meanwhile, Jessica faces herself after being drunk.

Hello, stranger.

The final end to tie up? Megan’s emotions. Ambre reports to Bret that she cried over her ex, and yet has never cried over Bret. Hmmmm.

Bret calls Megan in and she attempts to distract him.

And clearly, she is at least semi-successful:

His lack of pretense is by far his most endearing quality. If you’re into that, I mean.

Eliminations loom, as do Daisy’s limbs.

Ambre, rather ingeniously, breaks down the situation going into elimination:

“I’m feeling pretty confident tonight because I didn’t throw up, I’m not a stripper and I don’t live with my ex-boyfriend. Yep, I’m feeling pretty good.”

For sheer wardrobe alone, Heather gives Ambre’s confidence a run for its money.

I guess they both win! Ambre gets her pass first, btw and of course. It all ends up coming down to Megan and Jessica. Megan goes home.

And…

…uh…

…uh…

She just stands there! For, like, minutes! Saying nothing! Come on girl, now’s your time to shine. Pull a track out, throw a tantrum, watch a sunset. ANYTHING.

But no.

She and Bret share a teary farewell.

And then she refuses to kiss him, which: LOL.

And now that she’s gone, we can have fun again: Bret announces that he’ll be taking the girls to Vegas and guess what? Heather’s coming, too!

We are spoiled, spoiled, I tell ya!

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Tags: Rock of Love 2•Celebreality•Television