The Hills began the second half of their third season last night, with the usual fanfare and slinky dresses. Since the bulk of the show involves blank stares and uneaten lunches, we’ve decided to honor the few moments of reality gold left in each ep with haiku recaps of the show. Because everything Lauren, Whitney, Audrina, and the Heid-monster do can totally be narrowed down to 5, 7 and 5 syllables.

It might totally help the mood to read our poem-caps with Heidi’s latest single “No More” playing in the background. Robots have never sounded so good! Novices may think this new jam is about Spencer (whose advice column just launched today), but we totally think the track is talking about her failed relationship with Lauren. She definitely made Heidi scared to open up!

Haiku #1
Oh my god, like wow.
Seriously, oh my god.
We’re in France, bitches!

Haiku #2
Who skis in make-up?
Spencer’s dream woman, obvi.
Go get her, tiger!

Haiku #3
Lauren burned her dress.
Not a smart move for someone
Who works in fashion.

Haiku #4
The hottest Hills guy:
Brody Jenner, French band boy,
Or Heidi’s daddy?


Tags: Lauren Conrad Spencer Pratt Audrina Patridge, Heidi Montag, Television, The Hills, Whitney Port