People, please heed this child’s words:

We open post-elimination with Rocky showing off her armpit.

It seems zesty. Rocky bickers with Gigi about, oh, nothing in particular.

As they discuss judging, Rocky notes that every time she talks to Gigi, she feels as though she’s being judged. Double standard alert! Also, every time Rocky does anything she’s being judged. You know? It’s not like she’s the least bit avoidable.

Nor is her right armpit, apparently.

Rocky fills us in on the extent of her disdain for Gigi in an interview:

“I hate Gigi’s living guts. I hate her more than anybody. And usually people don’t get to me…” Oh yeah, she’s clearly so laid back. I took one look at her and, underneath the cowboy hat, layers eyeliner and perma-contempt, I saw a tree-and-others-hugging hippie.

It’s also noted that with Austin and his dad Jonathan eliminated last episode, Kevin is the only man left in the house.

That is what the last man standing amongst a gaggle of stage moms looks like. Take note.

Road trip!

Danny takes the parents on a tour of Hollywood, pointing out spots related to downfalls of young celebrities. We see the club Lindsay Lohan was at before she received a DUI. We see the Viper Room, where River Phoenix overdosed. And here you thought Danny was socially irresponsible! Of this history lesson, Danny says, “Human nature’s pretty gnarly.” Uh, I think as viewers of I Know My Kid’s a Star, we’re well aware, Danny.

After his spiel, Danny wonders if there are any parents who think their kids will be immune to the pitfalls of fame and addiction. Guess who raises her chiseled arm?

“It’s like I have a pitbull, it’s how you raise ‘em,” explains Rocky. Indeed: when ruling with an iron fist doesn’t work out, you best bust out the choke chain. Danny does not seem to disagree with her analogy, by the way. By way of reflection on the information he’s just presented, he wonders which of the parents still want stardom for their kids.

Let me guess: you’re as shocked as I am.

Danny also takes the opportunity to introduce this week’s challenge: a voice-over audition. The kids will have 90 minutes to learn a script for this cartoon character:

They’ll get some time to practice in front of a camera so that the kids can see how they’re coming off and/or bask in their pre-fame freshness. Cheyenne and Helene dive right into it:

Voice-over work is thrilling, kids! Cheyenne gives her character a lisp and throws in some unscripted buzzes. Now that’s really pushing things into roller coaster-level exhilaration! In an interview, Helene notes, “She wants this almost more than me.” She’s awfully cavalier about something that reads like a confession, no?

Meanwhile…

I wonder if Rocky has a sense of competition with the cartoon, and wants to prove that she’s, in fact, more animated?

Gian goes and it’s weird. He watches himself back and he knows this.

His mother knows this, too.

Ah, nothing like parental support.

Devon’s marble-mouthed interpretation is, let’s face it, unnerving.

Meanwhile, there’s more of Rocky and Hayley Lourdes. Hayley Lourdes is somewhat unruly, which means that Rocky practically has a seizure at her in an effort to calm her down. She is nothing if not, over-compensating. Well, she’s a cowboy hat, a lotta hair and makeup, too, but still! Hayley Lourdes is also clearly embarrassed of her mother and notes that she heard other kids referring to Rocky as “nuts.”

“I am nuts!” explodes Rocky. And then, as if she’s bent on providing an immediate and tangible example of this, she sits on the floor and breaks down to Shannon about Hayley Lourdes’ lack of discipline and her own reputation for being, you know, insane. Shannon responds:

Rocky takes a beat, and it seems like she might freak out at Shannon because you know she’s the type who’d chew someone out for calling her something that she just called herself. But instead, Rocky say something even nutsier:

And then, she tells Shannon that she’ll “never say anything bad about her.”

Note the devil horns with which this woman gestures and wonder if this is a person who can be trusted.

Gigi and Alai practice and Gigi prompts her daughter to “really see the fried chicken.”

You know, a side of flailing limbs would really complete the look. Do they sell those at Boston Market?

Then, Mary Jo and Pam bicker about Mary Jo kind of being disrespectful…

It’s all very tween angst.

Also of note is the hilarious pep talk Gigi gives Alai outside:

“Are you a good actress? Are you a good dancer? Yes! You turned that number out. Are you a good singer? You can carry a tune.” Just keepin’ it real, people! That’s what showbiz is all about.

It’s time for the auditions, which will take place in front of some animators, Danny and Marki who seems more than happy to exploit her witchy rep:

You know, these people don’t revel in artifice nearly as much as I expected them to.

Auditions commence:

Alai has charisma but doesn’t know the script and can’t say “cleanse” properly. I’m sorry Alai, your chances of scoring a poop-related infomercial end here.

Cameron’s read is kind of…

…sexy insect. It’s all wrong. Perhaps he has decided to focus on the chicks side of his desired dual goal?

Gian makes great choices. When he’s done one of the animators says, “Thank you,” and Gian flashes back, “No, thank you.”

A chooser and a charmer? It’s almost too much to take, but then again: of course it is.

Devon, of course, unnerves.

Marki wonders if Devon is doing an impression of Kermit the Frog. Devon explains that she’s channeling Stitch of Lilo and… fame. Her audition is so ineffective, she might as well be channeling the stitch of a sewing machine. Marki has her read without the affect and she stumbles again. Marki wonders what’s up. Kevin explains that they’ve been practicing as hard as they could. Into the mic, Devon explains, “Like, I’ve been, like, as practicing, like, as hard as we could, like, but…” Do not accuse this aspiring child star of being a mere puppet for her father: she made that her own with all the “like”s.

Before Cheyenne goes, they decide to change it up and they tell her that the insect character has a cold. Though this would inevitably signal disaster for many a budding child star…

…Cheyenne nails it. Like, ridiculously nails it. I had no idea this girl was so good. She just drew the line in the sand: she’s the one to beat.

McKenzie says something sassy about s’mores.

Marki notes that she sounds like she’s seen too many Shirley Temple movies. Come now, Marki! Is there really such thing as too much Shirley Temple?

And then, there is Hayley Lourdes, who, for a reason left unexplained if it even exists at all, has two giant black circles drawn around her eyes.

When Rocky isn’t interrupting Hayley Lourdes, Hayley Lourdes flubs her lines, confusing the word “palate” for “platter” at one point. Marki’s face says it all.

A novel idea is introduced: getting Rocky the hell out of there, so that Hayley Lourdes can focus. Rocky maniacally watches her daughter from another room:

But with her mother away, Hayley is able to nail it. Rocky has learned a very important lesson about being overbearing.

Let’s see how long her remorse will last, and what interesting things it will do to her behavior. I predict 25 seconds and absolutely nothing, respectively.

Anyway, the winner of this challenge is obviously Cheyenne, who’s awesome and maybe in the running to becoming queen of the world because I said so after really enjoying her spontaneity under pressure.

For winning, she has immunity, although it’s not like she’d be going home any time, being the possible future queen of the world, and all.

Back at home, McKenzie continues to bring the sass. When Shari asks her, somewhat bizarrely, if she’ll be able to handle all the doting people harassing her if and when she’s famous, McKenzie explains…

…”Then I would be like, dude. Dude. Don’t sweat it.” McKenzie brings so much sass, she’s practically springing forth from my TV and bouncing around my living room. Who needs 3-D glasses when you’ve got McKenzie around? Take that, Beowulf!

And then, strife:

Pat points out that she regularly sees Rocky “shine,” but rarely Hayley. Rocky is overshadowing her daughter, but like, Rocky’s enough to overshadow the Sears Tower. She could probably eat it, too. Rocky points out that when she left the room, Hayley was able to deliver and then gets in a dig at Pam and Gigi, who’s also there, by saying, “Well, at least Hayley shined!” Because if she’s not going to overshadow her daughter, she’s going to make sure she overshadows someone, damn it.

Then, Marki and Danny round up all the parents without the kids to read them a slightly more dignified version of the riot act.

Her choice words for Rocky go: “It’s very distracting: the hair, the hat, the shoes!”

But if you took away Rocky’s hair, hat and shoes, you’d be left with just a big pile of overcompensation. And who wants to watch that?

Marki also brings up the Shirley Temple thing to Shannon, saying, “She’s like a little Shirley Temple. You prop her up and you put a little red lipstick on her: ‘Yum, yum!’”

All right, fine, Marki. You’ve clearly been asking for it all episode and I’ll just admit it now: I’m in love with you. Happy?

Shannon sasses her back a bunch. Eh, at least we see where McKenzie gets it.

Elimination comes and leaves the teams of Rocky/Hayley Lourdes and Kevin/Devon standing.

Devon’s talented, but Kevin’s not performing as they’d like. Hayley has potential, but watching Rocky coach her is, according to Danny, “like watching a car wreck.” We haven’t hit the train-wreck level yet (at least by Danny’s scale, which is probably of a higher threshold than most, you know?), so Kevin and Devon leave.

Kevin says they’ll return to Hollywood “better prepared.” Oooh! I hope that means they’ll comeback with Stitch in tow!


Tags: I Know My Kids A Star Celebreality, Television