Is something rotten in the Flav mansion?

Or is it just the smell of new meat?

We begin exactly where we left off…

Although there are new girls…

…the lechery is exactly the same. Ah, constants. Flav holds a mini-naming ceremony for the four girls who just entered the house. The one above introduces herself as Candace and says that she wants to be named “Blue,” after her eyes. Flav instead calls her “Black,” because of her dress.

They should have met halfway and gone with “Black and Blue.” That will be the color of her soul when Sinceer is done with her, anyway.

This one thinks she’s the “perfect prototype of a woman.”

And so she is.

I really want to flip it on this one and call her D-Luscious.

And finally, there is this one, who is so tall that she has to fold herself up like a beach chair in order to even hug Flav:

Prancer, clearly referring to this Amazon, says, “And I could swear that one of them is a man, and I will not believe otherwise until I see a vagina.” Be careful what you wish for! Flav is kinder, noting that when he hugs her he can “hear the ocean in her bellybutton.” So she’s amazingly tall and cavernous? That’s a prototype for you! The final bit of commentary on this girl who’s clearly the obsession of everyone comes from Hotlanta, who labels her a “gude,” or a girl dude. Gude ends up getting the particularly gender-neutral name of…

And then, as we’re all getting used to the new girls, something beautiful happens…

Seezinz addresses Sinceer, and no neck-rolling, finger-wagging or hand-waving takes place. It’s a really beautiful split-second, comparable to when Tyra Banks and Naomi Campbell pretended that they stopped hating each other for no reason but our amusement.

Anyway, it’s clear that the Seezinz-Sinceer truce is a Care Bear stare of stank for the new girls, who are immediately met with open contempt. After the naming and “Flavor Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaav”ing, the groups break and bicker.

Flav watches the fight, which basically boils down to territorial pissiness. The new girls are deemed ugly, even though at least half of them aren’t. Flav watches the back-and-forth.

You know, at least he understands the appeal of his own show.

The girls rest and wake.

Do you think that, to save energy at each meal, one of them chews and feeds the others from her mouth, as though they’re baby birds? I do. Ah, to be a twin and/or honorary conjoined triplet. Anyway, they notice that Prancer is not where she’s supposed to be. That could only mean one thing!

Somebody’s sleeping in Flav’s bed!

The new girls get acquainted with the house, which is apparently dirty to the point of infestation.

Those are maggots.

The state of the house is simultaneously revolting and completely predictable. It’s like afterbirth. Perhaps the housekeeping philosophy is afterbirth chic, for the hungry pack rat in all of us. The new girls do their best to clean this mess and then, on a dry-erase board in the kitchen, which is generally used for supplies requests, they write:

Yeah, wait till you see how fierce those fruit flies can be, noobz.

Then today’s challenge is announced: the girls will have a few hours to put together a hip-hopera based on Flav’s reality TV loves. Unfortunately, it will not be titled Flavor of Self-Reference. Seezinz guns to be the director and immediately starts doling out roles. The old girls get the good parts, while the new girls get just bit roles.

The new girls seem shocked that they’ve been given meager roles. Apparently, they aren’t used to being in an environment wherein every crumb of power is seized and exploited and waved around like an abnormally long finger by their peers. They have so much to learn!

They arrive at the venue.

Seezinz turns out to be a whiz at directing. The twins reluctantly give her props.

Funny, their applause is the sound of sticks being banged together.

Not everyone’s so thrilled with Seezinz’s work, though:

So I take it she’s not looking to get into acting? Welcome to your perma-platform, reality TV, Luscious D.

And then we go from D-Luscious to Deelishis:

Prototype makes the best of her three lines by cartoonishly stuffing her butt. You know what they say: if you don’t have a lot of lines, make sure you have a lot of ass.

The hip-hopera starts. The first scene examines Flav’s failed romance with Brigitte Nielsen, with Prancer as Flav.

The twins narrate like they’re in a trance. Perhaps they, too, have been hypnotized by Prototype’s Deelishis ass.

Sinceer does a cute impression of Flav (although her level of pep suggests Fear of Black Planet-era Flav, as opposed to Flavor of Love-era Flav).

At one point, Tree, who’s playing New York, sings and…

…wooooooooooow. It sounds like she has ham lodged in her throat, and I’m not even going to make any guesses about what’s in her skirt.

Prototype is awesomely assy.

Then, for the final bit, set in the present season, the girls play themselves and rap autobiographically. Prancer’s goes, “Not thinkin’ ’bout these girls / ‘Cause I’m leavin’ with him / Four dates in a row / I rock my Hydro / Keep s*** on the low / You know what I know!” Sinceer takes this as a sexual reference and points out that by saying this in front of everyone, Prancer is, in fact, not keeping s*** on the low at all. “I know what you know now, too, dumbass.” Oh Sinceer, always good for a zing or two.

After the performance is an awards ceremony. I love how everything is always a ceremony. I’m sure there is a level of pomp whenever anyone brushes their teeth, although, I wonder how often that is anyway. So yeah: awards. I hope at least this beats Juno!

Flav hands out two awards for performances. The first goes to Prototype.

The old girls are not amused.

They can’t believe that someone with such a small role was able to win an award. Clearly, they are not well versed in the storied career of Judi Dench. Sinceer, for her alive-with-the-sound-of-’89 portrayal of Flav, gets the second award, referred to as “Second Winner of Best Performer.” What an illustrious title. Speaking of afterbirth! She and Prototype will share a date with Flav later.

Seezinz takes this so hard that she dons a pair of sunglasses (which on her look less Flav and more Hollywood from Mannequin)…

…so that she can cry. She really took that job seriously, huh? I guess this is how Scorsese felt all those years — he just didn’t have the outlandish sunglasses to express it.

Back at home, Hotlanta is drunk and feels rejected.

Reality TV is a hell of a drug.

The next morning, the new girls wake up and make Flav breakfast in bed.

Kiss-ups! They also perform a rap for Flav.

Is there anything they won’t do to please Flav? Together, they’re like an urban Voltron meets Rosie the Robot.

While Flav is his date with Prototype and Sinceer at the racetrack…

…(on which, by the way, he refers to them as “two fly horses” to no protestations because, I guess, that’s better than being referred to as “two horse flies”)…the new girls must decide which of the old girls is most there for Flav. She’ll get immunity that night. Awesome that the power dynamic is becoming more and more institutionalized.

A few notable things happen. They ask Hotlanta about being dogged by the other girls. Her response is, to say the least, amazing.

“You know how it is. When you’re beautiful and people feel threatened by you, they’re gonna start s***.” Poor thing! Poor, beautiful Hotlanta.

The new girls interview the twins separately. They’re kind of skeeved out by the fact that the twins are competing as one entity, which, come to think of it, is kind of weird. You get so used to the weirdness that you lose sensation in your shocky bone. Thing 1 doesn’t think this polygamous, possibly incestuous arrangement is weird at all. D-Luscious interviews, “All I can say is ew.” All I can say is: awesome. She’s so forgiven for not understanding what a director does.

Thing 2, somewhat shockingly, reveals that she’s less amenable to spending a life as wife-and-wife-and-Flav. She admits that if it came down to it, she wouldn’t give her sister her clock. OMG, the conjoined twins are severing before our eyes, and we didn’t have to switch to Discovery Health or anything! Thing 2 falls apart a little and says…

“The way he looks at me in his eyes? He’s truthful!” Gorgeous.

Meanwhile, Flav, Seezinz and Prototype ride home and Prototype unwittingly endangers her standing in the competition by revealing that she’s modeled and been in videos before. This causes Flav to dub her…

I love that if you’re on this show, you’re not allowed to have ever been photographed before. Is Flav Amish or something?

At home, the new girls reveal that Thing 2 has their vote for immunity - she’s there for him more than anyone, even her sister. They recommend allowing the twins to compete separately. The twins feel weird about this.

“We came in as one, and then to end up splitting us down the middle, it kinda was a dagger to my heart.” “Splitting us down the middle”? They really do think they’re conjoined! It’s not even an exaggeration anymore.

Anyway, Flav takes aside Thing 2 and tells her how it’s going to go down. He scribbles on her sister’s picture on their joint clock.

Except, no he doesn’t: he scribbles on her picture by accident. Nothing like high jinks stemming from shared DNA, right? He ends up giving her the clock he’s wearing as a symbol of her immunity.

This is a big deal, he informs us. We remain skeptical.

Thing 2 then explains to her sister that they’re being split up.

Her sister does not take it well. Who gets the brain, you know? I mean, did they even consider that?

Elimination comes and goes. It comes down to Hotlanta and Prancer. It’s Hotlanta’s turn to leave, but she’ll be allowed to stay if she can convince Flav to boot Prancer instead. Hotlanta says that she doesn’t snitch and she doesn’t kiss and tell.

She is, of course, referring to Prancer’s downlow rap. We get a hilariously looped and slowed-down flashback to Prancer’s “You know what I know!” And apparently, it’s that she’s gotta go:

Prancer seems very “meh” about the whole thing. Is “meh” is the sound that reindeer make?

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