I Know My Kid’s a Star Recap - Episode 4 - Rocky Crumbles

…and just when she was getting really interesting!

Seriously! You can’t leave us now, Rocky! Not before you tell us what you were going to do with the hanger!

As usual, we begin immediately where we left off last time.

It’s after elimination and Gigi isn’t pleased with Alai’s output. “Look, Alai, it’s not good enough to just make it. I want to win the competition,” scolds Gigi. Maybe Gigi should start practicing her krumping if she wants to win that badly? Liquefy those bones, girl!

Helene talks to Cheyenne about her favorite subject: being the least favorite team in the house.

“They were complete and utter b’s up there,” she tells her daughter. I wish that they were actual bees. I want to see a hive being pushed to its limit in the cutthroat world of insect showbiz. Alternately, this reminds me how awesome it would be if more people wore bonnets on this show. Anyhoo, the others may be been b’s, but it’s Helene who has the sting:

“F*** with me, then…it’s on. It’s on!” She is about as menacing as Snap, which is to say: peace. Stay off her back. Or Helene will attack. And you don’t want that (even though I’m sure everyone watching at home does, in fact, want that very, very much).

Danny corrals the teams for their first challenge of the episode. It will involve head shots. Danny tells us that in Hollywood, your head shot is your calling card. And then we see his:

This is one of those, “For a good time” calling cards, right?

The parents will take pictures with a digital camera in hopes of capturing a shot that will sell their kid. They have two hours to do this with only three cameras between them. The camera shortage does not provide nearly the drama that you’d expect, although Helene does get under Lisia’s skin with her incessant badgering. I suppose Helene assumes that people’s opinion of her can’t get much lower, so she might as well exploit the hatred. Smart!

Rocky tells Hayley Lourdes to put on more comfortable jeans and Hayley responds, “I don’t care if I’m uncomfortable! I just want to be rich and famous!” To which, Rocky, of course, laughs.

Hayley is sooooo Facebook generation, and she doesn’t even know it yet. To wit, she intensifies her frustration: “I don’t care if I die, I just want to be rich and famous!” Ironically or perhaps, not at all, death is a sure source of wealth and fame. The kid’s onto something!

Meanwhile, Sandy preps Gian by dressing him in a wife-beater and comparing him to James Dean. You know, “that bad-boy look.”

Pretty boy, bad boy — we’re learning more and more about what Gian looks like every week. Thanks, Sandy, for giving our eyes a rest.

Shannon tells McKenzie that she’s going to have to tone things down, per Danny and Marki’s advice. In response, McKenzie suggests that Shannon take her head shot like this:

I love that this is toning it down for McKenzie! Her sense of camp would put Liza Minnelli to shame. McKenzie is going to make one awesome old lady one day. Never let go of that fire, ‘Kenz!

Oh, also this is cute:

How many times do you think they’ve gone over that?

Finally, Gigi advises Alai during the shoot by wordlessly cackling.

And she wonders why Alai is having a rough time? Buy a vowel, Alai!

When the shoot is over, Marki judges each picture with her typical pummeling honesty. The following assessments are paraphrases of her opinion, not mine (mine are in parentheses because I know my place):

This is too safe.

This doesn’t do Mary Jo’s beauty justice.

Green’s good on a redhead, but Hayley Red is the perpetual best friend. (Well, excuhuuuze her for being friendly!)

This is not campy, which is a good thing. (…says Marki. I like McKenzie just fine in her natural, sassy state, thank you very much.)

“It’s too ‘Rico Suave.’ Is he a gigolo?” Marki asserts and wonders. Does he eat ‘em raw like sushi? How’s his Spanglish, anyway? I don’t know, Marki’s interpretation kinda makes this shot amazing.

This tells a story. (Although I doubt it’s nearly as interesting as that of Gerardo reincarnated as an Italian 12-year-old dancer.)

This is pitch-perfect, and makes Hayley Lourdes look “tough as nails.” No mere Lee Press-On is she.

After Marki evaluates the shots, the kids are brought in. Gian wonders how they did.

Sandy’s honesty is paradoxically encouraging. Maybe not to Gian, but to all of us who believe that honesty is dead.

Anyway, it should surprise no one that Rocky wins this one and her response is predictably erratic.

Their prize is not immunity, unfortunately enough, but extra time spent with the choreographer of today’s second challenge: an audition for a sneaker commercial. Rehearsals commence…

…and bickering between Gian and his mom continues:

There is something refreshing about their openness…

…but there’s also something extremely Grey Gardens about it.

Gigi thinks that Alai has an advantage, for she’s advising her daughter with so much experience under her belt:

“I’ve done everything from Broadway to TV to traveling to teaching the princess of Brunei dance.” Coming this fall from VH1: I Know My Princess of Brunei is a Star. CAN’T. WAIT.

Auditions begin. Cheyenne is, duh, awesome.

You think that she’s holding herself up, but she’s actually holding the floor down. Yeah, she’s that amazing.

Mary Jo forgets the routine.

McKenzie is good, and assisted by her mom, who, all of a sudden looks straight out of Living Dolls.

You can take the mom out of the pageants, but do NOT tell her how to raise her child.

Alai does the worm:

But apparently, this is not enough to impress the judges. Uh, really? If she spun herself into a cocoon, then would they be impressed? How about complete butterfly metamorphosis? Huh? Huh?

Despite Alai’s obvious effort, Gigi comes down on her:

Gee, I can’t imagine why she’d be acting like she’s scared.

Hayley Lourdes gets lost:

But on the plus side, she can do a mean robot!

Hayley Red looks angry.

Gian kicks ass…

…and, perhaps, kicks his own, with this landing:

We can’t see his face, so Danny recreates it for us:

Anyway, for his effort, sneaker-selling ability and possible sterility, Gian wins! Go Gian, holding it down for the dudes!

At home, Rocky mourns Hayley’s ultimate loss:

She complains about the prize Hayley won for the head-shot challenge: “It gave me 20 more minutes with Mr. Step Class, which, by the way, I wasn’t impressed.” Aw, for real? But she seems so generally laid-back and easy to impress!

Rocky then explains that Hayley isn’t so much a dancer, as opposed to, you know, her. “I can friggin’ dance!” says Rocky.

And then, in what could be preparation for later, she incoherently rants, “Me. A-meeeee!”

This woman is a treasure chest of pathos.

She mocks Alai…

…and she, Helene, Hayley Lourdes and maybe Cheyenne, discuss Gigi, when, who should come knocking but…

…Gigi! Well, speak of the devil…devilishly! Gigi wonders if Pam is anywhere and she, like, checks the closet for her. Uh, O…K. As soon as she’s two steps away, Hayley Lourdes mocks her: “Guess who I am: ‘Paaaam!’” Ah, they grow up so fast, don’t they?

And then, for no apparent reason at all, we get this:

She’s wearing a T-shirt that her flailing reveals to read…

…”My Boyfriend Is Out of Town,” which: AWESOME.

Anyway, she rants and cries and screams and hits things and it’s the sort of thing that recapping can’t really do justice. Not that I won’t try! (Alternately, you really should watch the extended cut of this meltdown.)

She moves!

She bangs!

She says, “I wanna friggin’ plug in my P.A. system for these whores…and their brats!”

She is a woman, phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s Rocky.

Helene and Rocky again discuss their untouchable social status in the house, which is such a point of pride for both of them, they may has well given birth to it. And then they’d be all, “Dance, lowered status! Dance! You’re a star!” Anyway, while talking about their perhaps unlikely alliance, Helene says the inevitable…

“I’m not here to make friends.” Ah, thanks, Helene. That felt good.

Rocky and Gigi spar over some food that’s in a common area and the whole thing is best summed up by Rocky’s yapping. She does it to imitate Gigi, but it’s not at all shocking how good she is at it.

At the parents-only meeting, Shannon gets kudos for prompting McKenzie to smile. The woman knows what she’s doing! Lisia, who kind of talked back to Marki after the sneaker challenge, talks back again to little effect. Then elimination comes and I’m just going to make this short because it’s too upsetting. It comes down to Rocky/Hayley Lourdes and Pam/Mary Jo. Although Rocky rocked the photo challenge, and Hayley’s a big ball of it, she’s not performing as well as she should. So they get sent home. Much to Rocky’s credit, she’s really, really sweet to Hayley and completely positive to her daughter, calling her a “star” on her way out.

In the car, Rocky continues this thread of gentleness and notes that this is a big mistake. She’s way more put together than anyone could have predicted.

Meanwhile, Cheyenne mourns.

I know the feeling.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, April 10th, 2008 at 10:55 pm