People, heed these words:
Here is the game:
Here is the host:
Here is the Queen of West Coast hip-hop/hostess:
And here are all the reasons why a show about female MCs is vital in today’s climate.
During a brief semi-final round, we meet some of the women who will soon be in the running towards becoming Miss Rap Supreme.
For as many states as Nicky2 has, she has twice the amount of children.
One of the rappers calls herself Lionezz.
She is German.
No, seriously. GERMAN.
Immediately, Serch asks about Chiba’s makeshift eye-patch (it’s made of weave!)…
…and Chiba divulges that her left eye doesn’t move as a result of a car accident. Hopefully, her rhymes are as clever as her hair-placement.
I think “Byata” is Brookynese for “hot.”
Serch asks if Lady Twist’s name makes her any relation to Chubby Checker. Lady Twist wonders if he’s referring to the Checker part or the Chubby part. It’s not 10 minutes into the show and Lady Twist is already endearing herself with lighthearted self-awareness? What have we done to deserve her?
And what has the woman who sold 800,000 copies of “My Neck, My Back” done to deserve this? Whatever, she seems awfully positive about going from a hitmaker to reality TV. Certainly if she was going to do that, she came to the right network!
We also see people who will not be in the running toward becoming MRS.
Ten girls do, though and we, uh, already posted them, like, weeks ago. Oops. Sorry to have spoiled that.
They move into the adorably named house!
The house is female-rap themed, which means that I could have died happy there, like 15 years ago. Well, OK. Now, too.
Get it? Everything’s big to make you lil’.
Byata and Chiba seem to instantly hit it off, kneeling in front of a giant bed and vowing to share it.
If you were worrying that this show would have less sexual tension than that provided by Misfit and Sully on The White Rapper Show…you just have no idea how things work in the female-rap game, huh?
Lionezz talks about the challenges that the language barrier provides. As she speaks of her heritage, we get a mini-pictorial.
A Nena shirt dress! This woman couldn’t be more German if she had bangle bracelets made out of bratwurst.
Since they’re all getting to know each other, what better way to break the ice than with a game of truth or dare?
Ms. Cherry really lives up to her name and is kind of aghast at the girl-on-girl action that unfurls. Rece Steele dares Byata to tongue kiss Chiba and…
…as if she had to ask!
The rest of the game plays out as a parade of butts and disgust.
OK, so it’s heavier on the butts. What do you expect? This is reality TV!
Nicky2States explains the somewhat unruly behavior:
“Alcohol, as they say, it makes you let down your prohibitions. We didn’t have any!” The funny thing is, even though she’s wrong, she’s right. It’s like language is working for her! She’s a natural.
She’s also extremely judgmental about D.A.B.’s former drug use (everything except crystal meth, says D.A.B.).
At least D.A.B. gets a crash course in the judgment that comes with being on reality shows. It’s usually much later, via the Internet, but hey. At least she won’t be surprised.
Speaking of judgment: Ms. Cherry seems to, out of no where, pick a fight with Khia. She calls her a one-hit-wonder.
Khia gets all mad about this, but uh, Ms. Cherry hasn’t had any hits. You know? Score’s 1-0, although we the viewers are the ones who really win, as long as we get to hear people like Khia say stuff like, “I’ve been to anger management four or five times, you know what I’m sayin’? I’m gonna anger-management my foot in her ass in a minute.” Oh, Khia. You shouldn’t have!
Serch comes in and announces a team challenge. Based on their accelerated performances at auditions, Ms. Cherry and Nicky2States are chosen as captains. They pick girls one-by-one, gym-class style and the last two left standing are…
White! You’re shocked, right?
Here are what the teams look like:
Today, they will be rapping for groups of women of varying likeliness. First up is Team Cherry, who addresses a group of ladies (and a few gentlemen) at a beauty shop.
The people, like, go about their hair-doings with not a whole lot of regard for the rappers. Still, it’s hard to not be won over by the infectious chorus the girls invent.
Meanwhile, Team 2States heads over to a sorority house.
Nicky criticizes Lionezz and her whole foreign thing that she’s got going on, but I’m sorry, “I spit like a llama and you look like a llama” is absolutley brilliant, whether or not said spit smells like sauerkraut.
One of the sorority girls gives the group a good review:
“Rap music, it’s not really my thing, but I liked meeting them. It made me appreciate it a little bit more, and they didn’t really want to beat us up.” Now they do, no doubt. I mean, don’t you?
The groups come together for the final challenge:
That is sisterhood right there!
And they’re totally into it, too. Since even Khia knows that her normal crack-licking fare would be inappropriate, she spits a few bars about her departed mother and then cries later about it.
But it’s Chiba who stole the show, as she finds out back at the Fembassy.
Her team wins, which means they’re safe from elimination tonight. As the MVP, Chiba is named Miss Representation, which: ha! This allows her a week stay in the pad’s special one-girl (…if-you-want) room, the Salt-N-Pepa, suite, which: haaay!
Not just poor, they’re also convoluted sports.
Saltiness ensues. D.A.B. comes out kind of grinning and they all jump on her. An apple a day cannot keep the hateration away.
Nicky2States interviews, “She’s phony, she’s fake and she’s a crackhead. Bottom line.” It gets kind of heated between Nicky and D.A.B., but it looks even more heated thanks to Bree’s fairly dramatic break-‘em-up pose:
The two of them battle to fairly inconclusive results, as these things go. There’s a lot of talk of “Touch me, so you can go home!” Savvy. These women know their reality-show rules.
Just kidding. It’s YoYo summoning the girls in a manner so oblique, you’d swear that Bret Michaels wrote the copy.
She really does look like Jambi, though. Doesn’t she?
The members of team that lost the challenge — Team 2States — are given the final task: write a 16-bar verse on representing women in hip-hop.
The fruits of their labors follow:
Serch and YoYo deliberate.
Of note is that YoYo criticizes Nicky2States for cursing, which is…interesting, considering YoYo’s career. Serch thought Lionezz sounded cool, but couldn’t remember her lines once they were said. Khia sounded good, but she wrote more of a chorus than a verse. It comes down to the latter two, and it is Lionezz who must leave.
Serch’s faulty memory is her fault, apparently.
Serch flies her sash on the flagpole…
…and on her way out, Lionezz is met with a surly nun…
This show is all about uplifting the sisters of all walks of life (except for the ones it sends home and, uh, the nuns it makes fun of).
egotrip’s Miss Rap Supreme show page