All together now:
And so it’s come to this: two girls left, two sets of horns.
Bret, Ambre and Daisy jet off to Cancun, and it feels like home.
I’m not talking about Cancun, and I’m certainly not talking about Bret, Ambre and Daisy’s collective feelings. I’m talking about me — the plane graphic always makes me a little nostalgic. It’s like the only constant in this wild life of recapping.
Upon landing Bret says, “Mexico is good, isn’t it?” That’s such intense sloganeering, I’d swear he were a brochure if he weren’t, you know, wearing a cowboy hat and making devil horns and saying “insanely awesome” and stuff.
When the group arrives at their hotel, they are treated to a traditional Mayan dance.
They just, like, stand there and it’s kind of awkward as only traditional Mayan dances can be. The girls check into their room (shared, of course) and find some presents from Bret. He must really love them both…equally. But in different ways!
But enough about that, this is about sharing. They all meet for dinner.
Daisy pulls out a list of unresolved issues. And, as she would seem to be an expert on the subject of unresolved issues, we can assume that this is as close to a dissertation as we’ll ever get from Daisy.
Issues include whether or not her connection with Bret is solely physical. It goes unresolved, perhaps giving Bret the opportunity to further confirm the fact that their connection isn’t not physical. Bret mentions something about Daisy leading with her sexuality and Ambre agrees. Daisy wants to know how.
I want to know how she finds it within her extremities to be so expressive. Ambre cites Daisy’s frequent visits to Bret’s room. Daisy claims that those aren’t in pursuit of sex. They’re hair-braiding classes and mini-bake-offs in the Easy-Bake Oven that Bret keeps under his bed. Duh!
The topic of Bret’s connection with Ambre eventually comes around, as these things do, and Ambre totally interrupts him and goes, “I just gotta do this!”
Because when you’re craving tongue, ain’t nothing gonna fill the need like the real thing.
Daisy wonders if Ambre isn’t experimenting — after all, she and Bret would make an unlikely couple. On the contrary, claims Ambre: Bret isn’t what she would have called her type, but he’s perfect for her. Once you go flowing and flaxen, you never go back. Ask the guy that did Rapunzel! Anyway, Bret says that he and Ambre will go out, and on the next day, he promises an “insanely amazing date.” Oooh, someone’s gonna be jealous! And I’m not talking about Ambre. I’m talking about “awesome.” To “amazing,” it’s all, “hands off my modifier!”
Bret bids the girls goodnight: he’s going to return to his room alone. Instead of getting nookie, Ambre and Daisy will be getting on each other’s nerves! Sounds like chicken soup for the weird, old cat lady’s soul to me.
In the room, Daisy confronts Ambre for saying that Daisy leads with her sexuality. You know, Daisy’s all up in arms, but how can she not lead with her sexuality? She’s, like, the size of Tinkerbell with boobs the size of Neverland’s rolling hills. If she weren’t leading with her sexuality, it’d be dragging all over the ground.
Daisy explains that the fact of the matter is that she isn’t afraid of her sexuality. She’s confident in it, while Ambre is not confident in hers. Ambre balks at this claim.
“Dude, like, I am totally sexy and I feel sexy in my body,” says Ambre. “I feel sexy in my body?” I feel Borat in her diction. Daisy illustrates how Ambre walks, which is, apparently, hunched over…
…which, while an amusing display, just isn’t true from everything that we’ve seen of Ambre. Ambre gets all defensive and specific, like, “If anything, I walk with my back straight!” Oh, Ambre. So easy to rattle. Ambre interviews, “Look, all right, Daisy’s hot, but surgery can make me hotter. Surgery’s not gonna make her smarter.” To be fair, Daisy would need to alter a few words to deliver an equally true statement: “Hooked on Phonics can make me smarter. Hooked on Phonics is not gonna make Ambre hotter.” Just saying!
A new day dawns with nothing resolved. Just as planned! Ambre attends her date with Bret at Xcaret, which Bret previews as a “Mayan awesome jungle experience.” Brochurier and brochurier!
They walk through what seems to be a contained section of the jungle and it’s something like Cannibal Holocaust without the everything. At the end of their tour is a spa, where they receive massages.
But what fun is receiving if you aren’t giving, as well? Ambre takes it upon herself to straddle Bret’s virtually exposed tuches to give him something from her heart and hands.
After this has gone on for a while and Ambre begins kissing his neck, Bret somewhat adorably says…
…well, look who finally came around to discriminating taste! You’re maturing before our eyes, Mr. Michaels!
Then, of course, they make out.
Finally, they eat.
Seriously, they’ve gone so long that I’m, like, hungry for them. Or maybe I’m just hungry for me. That’s usually what it is. Anyway, they talk somewhat idly. Ambre likes Bret because he tries new things. Like a variety of tongues, for example. Bret agrees to a point: he doesn’t live in the box, but he doesn’t live in the next box out, either. Ambre likes that, and so do I — it’s quite a relief to learn that he isn’t living in a box. Ambre brings up Daisy, since she’s his “typical type” and all. Ah, the fun with phonics never stops, hooked or not.
Bret and Ambre break so that they can get ready for dinner. This gives Daisy and Ambre the opportunity to bicker further. Ambre’s still offended that Daisy said that she wasn’t sexy.
Highlights of this back-and-forth include Ambre’s “You know what? For such a pretty girl, you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever met in my life.” as well as “I think you’re a hateful bitch.” (Also Ambre.) As she’s leaving, Ambre calls out, “Bitch!” to Daisy. Daisy seems to love it.
At least she’s having fun!
At dinner, Bret presents Ambre with a necklace.
Ambre, in turn, presents Bret with a dessert option:
Bret makes Ambre expose herself twice:
Before jokingly/seriously asking for the check.
Back in Bret’s room, he shows Ambre around. There is a couch to make love on, a chair to make love on and most importantly…
…a Bret to make love on.
The next morning, we see Bret without his bandanna for a second time. Now it’s official: Season 2 has really upped the ante!
Back at her room, Daisy and Ambre bitch at each other some more.
…and this time, it’s fruity!
Time for Daisy’s date! It’s taking place on a boat.
Daisy says little of consequence. Are you as shocked as I?
Then, she and Bret do a kind of Titanic thing…
…and Daisy starts to feel a bit woozy. Right on, Daisy. That movie makes me sick to my stomach, too.
The onset of Daisy’s downward spiral is fast.
If she can’t move her hands, how will she ever be able to communicate? Quick! Someone! Help her!
Bret’s advice seems somehow, uh, non-useful: “Enjoy it like a roller coaster!” Whenever you’re feeling like you’re going to throw up, just imagine going upside down like, really, really fast. That should cure everything! And by that I mean, this will happen:
I’m always amazed that they can show vomit on TV, even though I’ve seen it a million times now. It still seems taboo. Does that make me a prude?
After some more wooziness…
…the natural thing to do is eat, right?
Enjoy it like an amusement-park meal, guys. Daisy gets the same (or a very similar) necklace as Ambre. And speaking of Ambre, Daisy says “white-picket fences” a lot in reference to her competitor.
I think that’s to make Ambre seem boring, but mostly it just makes Daisy seem weird. Imagine!
Oh, Daisy also admits that she’s in love with Bret, which: duh.
Back at Bret’s room: more bake-offs!
And that’s that. Back at the the girls’ room: more bickering. This round’s particularly amusing, as Daisy takes issue with being called a stripper and Ambre incredulously says, “Dude, that’s your occupation. I’m a TV host, you’re a stripper!” She does have a point. But just because these girls are at each other’s throats doesn’t mean they can’t pose for a nice Beaches inspired shot…
With the final elimination looming, Daisy is, of course, a mess.
Good thing they’re being treated to a day of spa treatments!
While they’re doing that, Bret takes time on the beach to mull things over. It is very…sensitive.
Bret, do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling? Oh, sorry: he’s too busy thinking to answer me.
Or, at least, I think that’s what it is. It could be another Mayan awesome jungle experience. We shall see!
No, yeah, it’s elimination.
Daisy seems to be wearing a Heather-inspired dress.
Bret addresses the girls.
“Daisy and Ambre, you are two of the most beautiful, sexy women in the world, and especially to me right here and right now.” Is he implying that he might have a different opinion given another circumstance? Maybe he’s just accounting for the wacky curve balls that reality TV throws. Anyway! This is one of the hardest decisions he’s ever had to make in his life. Especially to him right here and right now. He calls Daisy down.
Ambre cries because, apparently, she has no idea how these things go.
Clearly, Daisy is not Bret’s rock of love (otherwise she wouldn’t have been called first!).
Bret interviews that ultimately, he worries that Daisy needs him more than she loves him. Daisy’s interview, however, suggests that she needs some dairy most of all.
“If I woulda known it was gonna be this painful to, like, fall in love, then I woulda never have done it. I just wanna curl up in a ball and eat a lot of ice cream.” Be careful you don’t get too attached to that ice cream, girl!
All of this means that Ambre is Bret’s girl!
And that’s not all! As Bret explains: “I got my rock of lust, I got my rock of like, and most importantly, I’ve found my rock of love.”
They kiss and then Bret says, “Now let’s go have hot, monkey sex.” The ends there, kind of abruptly. But judging by Bret’s description, that’s probably for the best.
Aw, shucks. Another season down. Can it last? And now where will we go to find scantily clad women screaming at each other, exhibiting questionable morality and saying sentences that include the words “boob job and blah blah blah?” At least we have another week in which to revel in all that: the insanely insane (I was there!) Rock of Love 2 reunion airs next Sunday (April 20) at 9/8c.
Rock of Love 2 show page