Tila, we had hoped that the producers of A Shot at Love would have improved their casting process for season 2. It is clear that they have not. With this new batch of contestants, A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila 2 will be nearly indistinguishable from a Cops episode filmed during spring break in Florida — except it might be more dangerous. Frankly, we’re worried for your safety. Please reconsider moving your show from MTV to VH1. We can do better.

You started the premiere by asking the supposedly straight men and supposedly gay women vying for your heart to step into cages. This was a wise decision. But you should have kept them there. Allow us to remind you how your suitors behaved while caged (one exposed her breasts and another let his penis swing freely through the air as he danced):

After the cage stunt, far too much air time was wasted on interviewing the contestants. Please tell your producers that you should be the focus of the camera, not your dimwitted pursuers. You are a diminutive beauty. You make hearts skip beats. You have a contagious enthusiasm for life. You say clever things. Not so your potential love interests! Their mouths should be taped shut for the remainder of the season! Below, please take the time to read our comments on their sad words.

Lisa says: “I’m a regular girl from Jersey.”
We say: Lisa, regular girls from New Jersey don’t dance in cages. Err, maybe they do?

Nick says: “Seeing Tila for the first time, it was, like, almost seeing Jesus.”
We say: Nick, we adore Tila. We understand Tila better than you ever will. But comparing Tila to Jesus is odd, to say the least. We don’t see the similarities.

Kristy says: “I could fall in love with Tila.”
We say: Kristy, you could fall in love with a donkey if it were in your cage.

Jay says: “The first thing that I thought when I saw Tila come out with those gold booty shorts was like boing boing boing boing my f**cking dick flew up in the air.”
We say: Jay, your dick flying up in the air is not a thought; it’s an action, and probably not one that’s very impressive.

Brittany says: “The guys were like monkeys [upon arriving at the house].”
We say: Not a bad observation, for a sports bar waitress from San Diego.

Serenity says: “Honestly, I’m probably going to pee my pants [when I meet Tila].”
We say: We do not doubt this for a second.

Janny says: “When Tila came out of the house, I was, like, so shocked, i was, like [sticks tongue out].”
We say: Tila, do not allow her anywhere near your ass. She may start sniffing it.

Chad says: “Lickety split them lesbians. They’re done.”
Chad also says: “Chicks love wang bone. Why do you think they have strap-ons and things in that nature, to simulate wang bones, which i come stocked with.”
We say: Tila, tape his mouth shut. Now!

The rest of the premiere, Tila, was filled with tedious cat fights and males puffing up their chests in an attempt to achieve some kind of hierarchical social status. It isn’t worth writing about all of the drama. The following photo galleries should suffice.

Tila Tequila’s Make Out Sessions:

Who Tila Eliminated in the Premiere: