“All my stripper friends. All my ex-boyfriends. We all want the same thang.”

Tila, your lyrics for the theme song to A Shot at Love 2 don’t make sense. You should be singing, “All my stripper whores. All my farm animals. We all want the same thing.” Only you don’t want the same thing. We believe that you’re looking for love, whereas others on your show have baser motives. Not only did the contestant named Fame use the camera as if she were auditioning for American Idol, Chad had the gall to say: “I’m more excited about moving into Tila than I am about moving into the house.” Tila, Chad has probably “moved into” sheep and horses have probably “moved into” him. Sorry to be crass. But do not touch Chad. Not even a hug.

When the girls and guys first mingle in Episode 2 it is apparent that most of the guys live sadly sheltered lives. Take Dominic, for example. He believes that “there is no such thing as a lesbian.” Tila, do you realize that Dominic does not respect your gay side? Allow us to show Dominic that lesbianism is real (and thriving):

This brings us to your obvious attraction to Sirbina (pictured above and below), which is very understandable. Not only is she one of the most attractive contestants in the house but she appears to be halfway normal. But we’re worried that there’s little more than raw attraction between the two of you. You spoke a mere two sentences (”You’re adorable” and “I’m going to eat you up”) before unleashing on her an orgiastic flurry of pent up lesbian lust:

It was as if no one else in the house existed. Only Sirbina. Sirbina’s pretty face. Sirbina’s sweet smile. Sirbina’s perfectly sculpted lesbian body pressed tightly against your perfectly sculpted bisexual one. Tila, why not bail on A Shot at Love right now and bring Sirbina with you back to VH1? Together, we will make a lifetime of magic through a series of new shows. The first will feature you getting to know Sirbina intimately. The next will be an educational show about a lesbian couple raising children. The third will be about two femme lesbian lovers who begin to lose their sexual appetite for one another after hitting their 40s. And the last show will be about the twilight of your lives - only this program may have to air on PBS or the Oxygen channel.

Anyway, as you were macking all over Sirbina, Kyle interrupted. Tila, he’s scary. The look in his eyes is that of a deranged stalker. And you are the target. Eliminate him ASAP. In the meantime, please be careful. Kyle also interrupted your alone time with Lisa, who astutely compared him to Jeffrey Dahmer. Could she be on to something?

Let’s check out some of Kyle’s creepier expressions. Remember, in each of these pictures his eyes are trained on you as if he’s studying prey.

After getting your suitors all liquored up in your faux casino, you had them play a game of “strip dice,” which looked like this:

George and Kristy won the challenge and were selected to join you in your private club, which, of course, has a full bar and two stripper poles. You asked George to explain what he looks for in a woman. His hilarious response:

Mostly physical attraction is key. I mean, I’m not very tall. So, I mean, you being short, definitely matches with me.

Tila, you correctly observed that George “doesn’t have a deeper side to him.” But he would need to mate with a hairy kumquat to have a perfect match. When the rest of the crew joined the three of you in your private club, chaos ensued. Samantha took to the stripper pole like a real pro.

Then Chad simulated a climax with a beer bottle.

Then the cops were called because of all the noise your potential lovers were making.

As for eliminations, you kicked Fame (the wannabe Idol singer) and Christian (the drunk) to the curb. We approve of your decision. But Kyle has to be next to go.

P.S. Tila, you should also be aware that Chad is trying to impress his bedmates by spreading his legs over his head and passing gas. Sexy, right?

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