Tila Tequila’s Team Gobbles Pig Vaginas

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Here’s a list of the top five most awesomely bad moments of episode 3 of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila 2.

1. CHAD CAN’T FETCH A BALL

For the second year in a row, Tila Tequila split her wooers by sex and made the two groups face off in a “bi-athalon.” Among the athletic challenges, contestants were forced to dip their heads into an inflatable pool and use their mouths to pick up balls with symbols corresponding to their sex. Chad should have had an advantage in this exercise of fetching, considering that he has the brain power and disposition of a dog. But he couldn’t find the correct ball and began to bite the side of the pool out of frustration. In the meantime, the girls ate away at the boys’ lead and then won the challenge. Chad claimed later that the “snot rockets” floating in the pool prevented him from completing the task. But we’re talking about a guy whose idea of fun is to raise his legs over his head in bed and pass gas. Chad could probably bath in snot without being phased. Could it be that he doesn’t know the difference between a male and female symbol?

2. TILA TEQUILA IS A NAUGHTY SCHOOL TEACHER

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We all know that Tila looks great in a bikini and that she knows her way around a stripper pole. But who could have guessed that she would raise the bar in the worn-out “naughty teacher” genre of sex fantasies. This is the only moment in last night’s show that wasn’t awesomely bad, but just plain awesome. After the girls won the bi-athalon, Tila proved that no one makes a hotter teacher than she. It was as if every lesbian in her classroom had reverted to the 8th grade, their hormone-riddled minds bombarded with thoughts of Tila throwing off her reading glasses, unpinning her hair, unzipping her business skirt, and unleashing her stripper-esque cleavage on them in one-on-one sessions after school.

3. THE ULTIMATE PANTY RAID

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Being sore losers of the bi-athalon (not to mention having the mentality of puppy dogs and grade schoolers), the boys decided to go on the “ultimate panty raid” while the girls were being schooled in Tila’s classroom. This makes the list of awesomely bad moments only in that the girls’ reaction to it was awesomely stupid and hysterical.

“You don’t do that to a girl,” said Lisa.
“I could not be more livid!” exclaimed V.
“Your mother’s a ho,” screamed Kristy to Jay. “I will kick [your] ass.”

What!? Tila forced these girls to strip off their clothes and simulate sex in a cage and yet a panty raid is what sets them off? Please.

4. SAMANTHA’S “GLITTER” WASHED AWAY BY TEARS

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Samantha, nicknamed “Glitter” because she pastes the substance onto her eyelids, displayed a fit of weeping never-before-seen on reality television. Her hunched over frame heaved and shook. The ground underneath her became drenched in tears and she appeared to hyperventilate. The cause? The “meanness” in the house was “unbearable” and “overwhelming.” Having to fight in Iraq or having your village flattened by a tropical cyclone would feel overwhelming and unbearable. But a bit of screaming between a bunch of hormone-fueled boys and girls who are competing for one sex kitten named Tila Tequila? Again, please.

5. TILA FORCES HER SEX CAPTIVES TO EAT PIG VAGINAS

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Last season’s feast on bull penis was sickening. But this season’s equivalent challenge was even worse. It started by Tila splitting up the boys and girls and making them compete to see which group could drink the most shots of unidentified noxious concoctions like mustard and canola oil. This resulted in a puking fest that was utterly revolting to watch. The women, of course, won the challenge, and were “rewarded” with a breakout competition to see who could eat a pig’s vagina the fastest. (Lisa, the butchiest of the bunch, gobbled up the vagina the fastest and won alone time with Tila.) Is this A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila or Fear Factor? What’s next? Is Tila going to make them have sex with each other in a den filled with snakes? Now that would be television! Stay tuned.

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