After all, every king needs a…Thing.

Bonjour, bitches! You may remember from last episode that Black and Sinceer now have a force to reckon with…

“I’m baaa-aaack,” she intones. Apparently, Thing 2 became a poltergeist in the time between her elimination and reentry into the competition. Fresh! I would give my eye teeth to see Sinceer don massive circular glasses and yammer on about coming toward the the light and the peace and serenity within it.

Instead, she dons a sulk, which: duh.

“So, you happy I’m here, Sinceer?” asks Thing 2. Ha! Love it. Sinceer is kind of quiet, just muttering something about the fact that she didn’t throw Thing 2 under the bus. Thing 2 knows what scares her. Thing 2 has from the very beginning. Don’t give her any help, she knows too much already.

Back at the hotel, Thing 2 debriefs Black on her resentment of Sinceer:

The way she goes on, you’d think she was talking about having an extra head. Perhaps that is precisely the point.

The girls convene with Flav for a breakfast elimination. He explains that he has three tickets…

…uh, that’s two, but whatever. Anyway, somewhere he has three tickets: one to Paris, one to Monaco and one to L.A. Each girl will get one. Thing 2 promptly receives the ticket to Paris. Shocking! First she comes back, then she reveals the truth about her lack of choice regarding twin-having, and then she gets the most coveted date. What will she do to surprise us next? Win Flav’s heart?

That leaves Sinceer and Black who assume the position…

You know the one. Sinceer says she’s there for Flav, Black says she twists things and yammer-yammer-teeth-bared-yammer. Flav is not amused.

He smokes the beef like New York smokes Newports by saying that it comes down to being more romantically connected to Black. He explains to the camera that Sinceer’s got a mean streak, and Black’s hot. Black it is! See ya, Sinceer!

Well, at least she put on a brave face before she left.

“I’m smiling right now ’cause I wanna show Flav that I’m classy, but the truth is, f*** him. If he’s gonna choose that fake bitch over me, f*** him.” Props to Sinceer for not playing along with Flav’s “Would you still love me if I eliminated you?” game. Lots and lots of props.

Flav heads off to Monaco with Black, like, immediately, which makes for an awkward last few minutes for Sinceer.

She says to Thing 2, bizarrely. “So you better do your thizzle for shizzle. And you better keep it f***in’ real.” Well, at least she didn’t let syntax get in the way of her motivational speech-making.

Thing 2, meanwhile, contemplates forcing Sinceer to peel her face off in the bathroom.

While they’re doing that, Flav and Black are flying to Monaco.

Black notes that she feels like she’s in a movie. Yeah, the cameras in your face and craft services tend to do that. On the ground, they drive around Monaco and Flav is clearly so happy to be with Black.

So thrilled that she falls asleep. To evaluate this let’s play my favorite game: Omen or Narcolepsy. (Although seriously, why can’t it be both?)

It’s time for Flav’s dinner with Black.

Taking in her spangly, black number Flav notes, “And boy is you bangin’! But, most of all, you bangin’ on the inside.” Does he mean that Black has indigestion? Does Flav know something that we don’t?

Black interviews that this has been the “most romantical” and incredible day of her life. Clearly, the flair for language she inherited from Flav is just icing on the cake.

Flav gives Black a watch. Just what is he trying to say about her and her knowledge of what time it is? He asks her what she does for fun and she mentions traveling. She’s been to places like Turkey. He then asks her to tell him a joke and she kind of stammers while he waits patiently.

Black reveals, “I’ve heard some jokes but I can’t, like, think of them.” It’s very reassuring to hear that she’s indeed heard some jokes. I was worried for a minute there. And really? Not one single joke? It doesn’t have to be a Wilde-inspired witticism — this is Flavor Flav you’re talking to. A rubber chicken bouncing on a whoopee cushion would have him ROFL. Seriously, how about, “Messes were made to make”? That’s a joke, right? Or “Why did Turkey cross the road?” (Answer: Because Black missed her flight.)

Ah, who cares. Flav promises to Black that should he choose her, he’ll treat her son like his own. This is meaningful to her. He then asks for a nightcap and she agrees to it. They proceed to make out there.

They’re putting on lovin’ before the lovin’, and so this is something like a nightdoorag.

We get some footage of them making out in his suite.

It is brief. Someone give these editors a raise.

The next day, Flav’s off to Paris with Thing 2.

They tour Paris.

It looks cold…

…and iconic.

Flav stops the trip in the middle to get Thing 2 a kagillion flowers.

In my opinion, the cartoonishness overshadows the sentiment. That’s sort of a nutshell explanation of all of Flav’s romantic gestures, huh?

Then, it’s time for dinner. Thing 2 checks out Flav decked out in purple and reports, “He looked funky-fresh.” She’s right about one thing and one out of two ain’t bad, especially on this show.

As Black did, Thing 2 also receives a watch.

She seems genuinely touched. It’s actually rather sweet how appreciative she is. Also as with Black, Flav interrogates Thing 2. For fun, she enjoys eating, amusement parks and bowling. Not gonna lie: Thing 2 sounds like a lot of fun.

Flav asks her to tell him a joke and unlike Black, Thing 2 can produce not one but two! Her jokes are:

“What did Flav say when two houses fell on him? Get off me, homes!”

and

“What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Not ‘cho cheese!”

I’m tickled and mostly because the latter suggests that Thing 2 has watched Half Nelson. I knew that there was a fan of independent cinema lurking somewhere within her!

Finally, and most awesomely, Flav asks Thing 2 for a nightcap and she says no!

Flav notes that this is the first time in the history of Flavor of Love that anyone has refused a nightcap with him. First of all, who is he, Tyra Banks? All conscious of his show’s history (in those words) and crap? Second of all, because of this Thing 2 is automatically the most awesome person to ever have been on this show. Go on girl with your chaste self! Thing 2 explains in an interview that she did this because she’s still feeling bruised over being booted, but whatever. I don’t care if she did it because she’s afraid of caps. What matters is she did it.

Then, elimination:

Before, Thing 2 interviews that, “I really hope that my man Flav is smart enough to choose someone with a big heart instead of bigger boobs.” Her concern is legitimate.

While rocking a blinged-out Eiffel Tower on his chest…

…Flav gives the girls one last chance to plead their cases as to why he should choose them. Black says that what she and Flav have goin’ on is real and he can feel it. Her statement hails from the Marky Mark school of specificity. Thing 2 feels a lot more heartfelt — she says that her life has changed as a result of meeting Flav. She got to see part of the world, thanks to him. She never would have gotten the chance to go to France were it not for this show. Kinda sweet really.

In the end it comes down to chemistry versus connection. Flav says that this was the hardest decision he’s had to make in the history. of. Flavor. Of. Love. Maybe that’s because chemistry and connection are, like, the same exact thing? But finally, connection wins! Black is sent home!

On her ride to the airport, Black says, “This was me. You either like it or you didn’t, and I guess he didn’t.” Since you put it that way…I’m depressed.

But not really, because yay!

Yay!

Thing 2 really was the most convincingly down for him. I mean, she cried, like more than once and her tears didn’t seem particularly selfish or anything.

Flav produces a box.

Of course, there’s no ring, just gold teeth.

Thing 2 forces some muffled laughter out from behind the fronts. Ah, the language of love. It’s like music to your ears.

So yeah, that’s it from Flavor of Love (until the reunion next week, that is). In memoriam, let’s all bow our heads and say together: “Wooooooooowww!”

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