Tila Tequila Has Orgies With the Parents

Tila went on a cross-country trip to have dinner with the families of the final four in Episode 8. Here are the highlights.

TILA GETS “PASSED AROUND” AT JAY’S HOUSE

“We are very open in our family. We love to touch and hug and kiss.” – Jay’s dad

The above quote doesn’t explain the half of it! At the dinner table, Jay’s mom informed Tila that Jay and his brother “share everything” before Tila and Jay took a break from their steaks to have a very public make out session, which got dad all hot and bothered. “Ooooh,” he groaned wantonly. “I love seeing this.” This is where the night began to devolve into total debauchery. Among the lewd antics at the dinner table: Tila gave dad a lap dance and kissed mom; mom and stepmom kissed each other more than once (on the lips); and mom and stepmom flashed their breasts, Mardi Gras-style. Turns out, dinner was only an appetizer for the main course — a family orgy in the hottub! The family passed Tila around to take turns touching and groping her. Jay’s family was accepting to the extreme. But would Tila really want to be in a family where every one wants to get in her pants?

KRISTY’S DAD GRINDS ON TILA AND HER BROTHER GETS A WOODIE

Tila was nervous about going to Kristy’s house in Yonkers, New York, because it was the first time that Kristy had ever brought home a girlfriend. Turns out, there was no reason to worry. At dinner, Kristy’s aunt explained her own bisexuality: “I go back and forth. I’ve been with both. It’s what’s on the inside that matters.” After dinner, Kristy’s dad (pictured above) cranked up Tila’s tune, “Stripper Friends,” and the entire family got down and dirty, converting the living room into a dance floor. First, Tila grinded on dad and whipped him with a belt. Then she rubbed her ass against Kristy’s teenage brother, who, according to Tila, got a “woodie.” Kristy’s bisexual aunt, who longingly drooled while watching the action, straddled Tila on the couch and proceeded to give her a lap dance. Later, aunt observed that Tila is “a hot little number.” But at the end of the night it was clear that all of this sexual role play was innocent and in good fun (except for maybe the woodie!). Plus, Kristy’s family showed that they are accepting, and, like Tila, ready to get loose and be silly.

TILA TEQUILA GIVES GOOD PICKLE

Only Brittany’s dad was available for dinner in San Diego, and Tila seemed more than happy to meet his acquaintance! “What’s cookin’ good lookin’?” she asked to Brittany’s dad. “You’re handsome!” At dinner, Tila sucked on a giant pickle as if she were competing in a World Series of Oral Copulation. “I love big fat juicey pickles,” she purred. “Dad, do you want some pickle?” she asked. “It’s juicey right now.” After dinner, Brittany amped down the sexual tension by showing Tila her baby book. Wise move.

BO’S MOM IMPRESSES TILA WITH HER LONG TONGUE

A high school football coach in Fairborn, Ohio, Bo took Tila to meet members of his team before bringing her home. His players scored some points for him by saying that he’s “a friend that you can count on” and “a hometown hero.” Bo’s family was fairly straightlaced and Bo’s dad seemed a bit tentative about Tila’s wild ways and bisexuality. However, Bo’s mom, who showed off her abnormally long tongue (now the envy of lesbians around the nation) was good for some raunchy, entertaining conversation.

Tila to Bo: “She can do more for me than you.”
Tila to mom: “Are you bisexual?”
Mom to Tila: “By the end of the night maybe.”
Tila to Bo’s sister: “Are you bisexual? You’re hot.”
Bo’s sister to Tila: “I could be.”
Mom to family: “How about a sixsome?”

JAY GETS THE BOOT, FINALLY

“You’re just not my type,” Tila told Jay. About time!!!! After the elimination, Jay smashed a vase, punched a wall, pumped up his chest, called Bo a “little bitch,” and muttered incoherently about representing Jersey. Tila clearly made the right choice.

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