I Love Money Recap – Episode 1 – Grubbers’ Holiday

Take Celebreality staples from the past two-and-a-half years of VH1 programming, throw them all together in a remote, exotic location, make them compete for cold, hard cash and what do you think the result will be?

Our thoughts exactly.

Are ya interested?

The place is:

The amount of money is:

The point is, in Rodeo’s words: “The reason why I’m here on this show is to win money.”

Whoa, you don’t say!

The VH1 all-stars (please don’t hate me for using relative terminology?) are boated to their $19 million mansion where they’ll swap ideas, juices and dignity. In that order, most likely. We’re brought up to speed on their identities and whose heart they didn’t (or, in the case of Hoopz, did) win on their respective shows. The sense of anxiety is palpable via interviews. I Love New York‘s Chance jibber-jabbers that…

“I have certain stipulations I will go as far as win the money. I’m not gonna eat no cow things and no deer dingles and ding-dongs and…jing-jongs!” I doubt he even knows what a jing-jong tastes like. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!

Pumkin says she is “100 percent sure” that she’ll be hooking up on this show. How slutacious of her. Clearly, she learned nothing from Mo’Nique’s condescension.

Also, we’re calling her Pumkin again? And we’re calling Toasteee Toasteee? I suppose all of us have learned nothing from Mo’Nique. Charm, we hardly knew ye.

Midget Mac mumbles something about partying like a rock star. Midget Mac, I fear, is condemned to live in the mid-’00s for the rest of his life, what with all the already-over “-izzle”s and pop-culture references of yesteryear. This show was not filmed that long ago!

Worlds collide as VH1 personalities meet for the first time.

Heat and Brandi C., do an exchange where they’re like, “I’ve seen you on TV before!” “I’ve seen you on TV!” It’s hard to tell if they’re being sincere over something so duh-worthy (’cause, look, they’re even on TV again!) or if they’re just being shticky and playing it up for the cameras. But then, isn’t it always that way?

Megan interviews that she’s “famous” for wearing her bikini all the time and looking hot.

Yeah. Right. That’s like saying napalm is famous for its smell. Crap, Megan. You’re famous for talking crap, speaking of smells. What’s next? Rodeo saying she’s famous for her barbeque sauce instead of her magical howl?

Megan also makes reference to the fact that she’s bringing her Chihuahua, Lilly Megan, with her. Since they’re in Mexico, it will be Lilly’s return to the homeland.

This dog is obviously bound to be the show’s most endearing character.

And then: a challenge! Well, one beyond staving off seasickness or trying not to pass out from fame hunger. The competitors must get off the boat! And there’s no dock! What to do?

Oh right. Jumping. I forgot all about that concept.

Midget Mac, apparently, cannot jump. Whether this has to do with the length of his legs, I cannot comment on. All I’m saying is it’s worth considering.

Let’s also not forget that he’s aquaphobic, which in Macspeak means:

Because, as noted on I Love New York 2, he watched his uncle drown at a barbecue and no one helped him and then he ended up coming back and creatively offing members of Midget Mac’s families one-by-one except it wasn’t really him, but his mom. Wait. I think I got my pop culture streams crossed.

Regardless, the scene is dramatic enough to necessitate being broken up by a commercial break. When we return, 12 Pack picks Mac up and puts him on the shore in, like, three seconds.

All that for a little homoeroticism? Psssh. Been there…

The money-hungries scale some sort of rock formation to get to their mansion and…

…it’s awesome. On their new lawn, they meet their host, Craig Jackson who tells everyone that they can all him “C.J.” Thanks, C.J., my fingers appreciate it! He tells them about the prize money, that the challenges will be based on events of previous shows (a brilliant touch, I think), and things of that nature. The Entertainer wants the money so bad that he declares that if he has to, he’ll eat your heart to get it. What he doesn’t mention is that he’ll be getting at your heart via your toes. With the administrative stuff out of the way, C.J. tells everyone to go pick out their rooms. There’s a mad dash that involves Toasteee riding on Pumkin as though she’s one of those furry kangaroo-looking things in The Empire Strikes Back.

Should the temperature drop, Pumkin better watch her stomach.

In a blur of excitement, Heat finds a room that will allow him to bunk with 12 Pack.

Having never met a situation that she couldn’t agitate with alcohol, Heather comes bearing beer…

She’ll be staying in this room, too. She talks about her attraction to 12 Pack, reasoning that he’s a “male version of me.” Right down to the impressive tatters! Furthermore, there’s some flirting between Destiney and Heat, which leads him to dub this the “freakin’ hot, sexy orgy room.” It ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none. No fun at all. Via circumstance and sexuality, an alliance has formed.

Yay! Reality friends! They came here for friendship! They didn’t come here to win. Wait. That can’t be right.

Oh, and all the while, the Entertainer is lurking, being pretty damn creepy about Destiney.

He’s seriously salivating.

To the surprise of no one, Chance, Real and Whiteboy form an immediate alliance. To the surprise of no one and their mother (who doesn’t even watch VH1), Boston can’t make a strong enough bond with anyone to even find a roommate. He asks Toasteee if he can sleep with her, promising that they won’t do anything unless she wants, but if she does, he can go all night. She is visibly uncomfortable.

Brandi C. and Megan have formed a bond, most likely over their hair color (that’s not even sarcasm: it’s just how Brandi does), and Boston tries to get in on that action. So, they hatch a plan to keep him out of “their” room, which actually does have an empty bed:

Brilliant! That bed is about as well-hidden as four-week old roots on a dye job. Saying.

C.J. gathers the all-stars to cut their checks that will follow them throughout the competition (and will be voided when they’re eliminated). He takes the time to ask what each one will do with the money. First up is Boston, who stutters something fierce when trying to tell Craig that he has women all over the country dying for him that his sexuality could be described as bi…costal.

Way to blow your cover, there, Cassa-nosepicker.

Toasteee says that she’ll use the $250,000 for medical school. She’s been talking about that since Flavor of Love 2. I’m surprised that she hasn’t yet earned a scholarship for all of her extracurricular activity. Pumkin says that she wants to spend the money on a boob job “to fit in.”

Megan calls from the crowd, “Saggy boobs suck!” Even if she’s being bitchy, Megan is totally showing solidarity and Pumkin is clearly just dying to be belligerent. “Say it to my face!” Pumkin shouts. Uh, she just did. “Saggy t**s? At least mine are real!” Pumkin continues, to which Megan retorts:

Uh, amen. Like someone who’s a bit nippy in a meat locker, Megan is full of good points. C.J. goes on to ask Pumkin about her “relationship” with Mr. Boston (remember that?) and Pumkin gets even more belligerent…

Their relationship lasted about as long as Boston did: “We didn’t get to the bedroom. He shot when I kissed him.” Cut to Boston twitching awkwardly.

I’m happy for the info and all, but the bitter taste of bile in my mouth suggests that I’ve reached my threshold of discourse on Mr. Boston’s sexual practices. And we haven’t even gotten to his jing-jong yet.

The rest of the crew goes over what they’ll do with the money should they win. The Entertainer will move out of his parents’ house. Heat will help his mom who’s recovering from a botched surgery. Rodeo will build better revenue for her products (which include the reassuringly named Rodeo’s Rise and Shine Oatmeal Pancakes, a part of your chemically imbalanced breakfast). Heather will be able to cover up her “Bret” tattoo, which: no fun. Hoopz will take care of her five sisters and mother. Real will retire his grandmother. Whiteboy’s got bills to pay, cars to buy. Chance will use his money for the $tallionaires, who have a single about to drop (as they have for the past two years or so — perhaps it will coincide with Toasteee’s med school enrollment). Destiney wants a “cool” Corvette (as if there’s any other kind!). 12 Pack will invest in a bar. Brandi C., wants a Barbie dream house. Nibblz will furnish a dungeon for all of her dominatrix needs. You know, these people make my job really easy. I don’t even have to think this stuff up: the ridiculous works out itself. Megan will do outreach for mentally challenged dogs. She explains that Lily is “retarded.” We are presented with photographic evidence.

And, as someone who’s been in the presence of this creature more than once, I have to say that Megan isn’t exaggerating her dog’s mental capacity. The thing is like a guinea pig on wee stilts. I mean, she’s awesome, but definitely a few links short of a leash.

Finally, there is Midget Mac, who says that his parents will get $200,000 and the remaining $50,000 will be spent on strippers. People are scandalized by this revelation, and Mac comes back with:

And you know, he said strippers, not stripper. So at least you know he’s not going to be spending it on one ass.

With that slice of enlightenment out of the way, Craig introduces the next challenge, though we know little more than the fact that it will require the contestants to wear these…

And bikini tops! Even the guys! Some get really into it.

And, in some cases, by “get really into it,” I mean “fill it out.”

Heat seriously has a B-cup. Ah muscle mass: it confuses as often as it titillates.

Mr. Boston has stuffed his bathing suit. He explains that he did this because, “I’m really not that big down there.” See, I thought it was because his jing-jong was made of porcelain and he didn’t want it to break in transit.

Midget Mac, meanwhile, resolves to keep the suit off.

It’s a good thing he actually verbalized this, because I’d never, not in a million years, not through a million gallons of ranch dressing, would have ever suspected that someone who goes by the name “Midget Mac” and appears on VH1 would be concerned at all with degrading himself. Frankly, I wouldn’t have thought that “degrade” was in his vocabulary.

But it is! He says that people are trying to “size” him, which a) I didn’t know was something that anyone but tailors did and b) I’d think he did just fine on his own, what with his chosen moniker and all. Hoopz gets into it with him and he tells her that he has more money than her. On such a blatantly capitalist show, this really is something to hold over your competitor’s head. Hoopz says that she’ll let him think that and he calls her a “hoe” in response. He continues:

Even though he’s still talking about Hoopz, I like to think that he’s referring to Heat in his present getup. Pumkin, Brandi C., and Whiteboy immediately chime in to call out Midget Mac for disrespecting women, which is pretty awesome of them. It seems that multiple people in the house are familiar with the concept of degradation and why it’s a bad thing. These people are so full of surprises!

And then: challenge time. Each person will get 30 seconds to go into this booth and grab as much money as they can that will be blowing around:

They can stuff the money into their bathing suits. The only real rule is that they cannot pick it off the ground. Brandi C., reports that, “I think I should be good at this challenge because I love money, and I’m good at stuffing things.” Like turkeys?

Mac, on the other hand, will not participate.

Are you sure, Mac?

I’d push harder, but I’m afraid he’s going to come through my monitor and bite me.

So he’s out. But let’s check in with Brandi, who, within three seconds…

…violates the challenge’s only rule. OK! How about her platinum partner Megan?

Same deal! It’s brilliantly dumb. If you could bottle the synergy between Megan and Brandi you could probably bleach your hair with it.

The rest of the people seem to understand how to accomplish the challenge and there is much crotchplay as a result of the stuffing:

You know, things of this nature:

It should be noted that the Entertainer implies that Rodeo in a bikini gave him a boner. So his character angle is lech this time around? Cute.

When it’s Mr. Boston’s turn, his substantial crotch is noted:

He stuffs like he’s never even seen a penis before.

Anyway, he has to get rid of the stuffing to make room for the money…

He does his thing in the booth, and when he exits, he has a devil-may-care-about-my-weenie attitude regarding extracting the money from his suit.

That’s right: jing-jong. Everyone groans and giggles, and Brandi seems particularly amused.

She’s into stuffing things and looking at stuff. She’s so well-rounded.

The competition really heats up with Hoopz, who stuffs so much cash into her bottoms that she ends up looking like she’s wearing a diaper.

It’s one thing to enjoy stuffing, and it’s another to be good at it. Eat your heart out, Brandi:

Then comes Chance, who seems ready to go. When C.J. asks him to take his bandanna off, he refuses.

I have no idea what that means, but I’d like to think that if you removed his rag, here’s what you’d find:

Nibblz chimes in…

…but Chance isn’t having it.

Big words from a man who carries Michael J. Fox under his bandanna.

So Chance doesn’t go but everyone else does. There is a lot of grabbing. That’s about all you can say about it. Oh, that and the Entertainer hollers, “I loooooove money!!!” in much the same manner that he yelled “I loooooove New York!” about 5,000 times over the course of I Love New York 2. So we have another season of that to look forward to. Great.

Hoopz collects the most money, with Whiteboy coming in second, which means that they’re going to be the team captains. Since there’s an uneven amount (17) of contestants, they will ultimately determine who goes home: whoever’s the odd man out is eliminated. Let the ass-kissing begin.

…Brandi explains to Hoopz. A likely excuse! I look forward to Brandi informing us that she didn’t realize the air was so oxygenated and that water was so thirst-quenching. Every second is an act of discovery for this one.

Who could ever think that? Actually, Brandi’s proving her worth better than even she probably knows: she’s making a great case for staying around for entertainment value alone.

While in the kitchen with Destiney, Boston decides to change. He doesn’t have a bedroom see, and a bathroom would be way too logical. He makes her turn around.

He finishes and Destiney reveals that she pretty much saw everything earlier, when he was pulling the money out of his bikini bottoms. Instead of embarrassment, Boston asks, “Was it good-looking, or…?” Undoubtedly. Handsomest penis in the house!

Boston attempts to get Whiteboy and Hoopz to put them on their teams, alternately working the Jew angle…

…and the you angle…

Megan does some sucking up of her own…

But Nibblz is resolved to keep her lips off ass. She tells her boyfriend that she’s just not feeling the networking thing. She doesn’t say it, so I will for her: she’s not here to make friends.

Oh and Boston finally catches on to Brandi and Megan’s ingenious scheme:

Swift! I think Helen Keller even knew what was going down, and in addition to being deafblind, she’s also dead.

Despite showing a poor attitude, Midget Mac isn’t worried about being eliminated…

…says the father of two with one on the way. Awwww! Love.

Rodeo’s still worked up over what he said earlier, and so she attempts to talk some sense into him.

She says that she knows he doesn’t really feel that way about women, and he should apologize. She brings Brandi in. If there are reasons beyond Brandi’s possession of a vagina, they aren’t immediately clear. Brandi comes in and when she gets what’s going down, hilariously says, “Are you kidding me?”

But hysterical as she is, Rodeo is never kidding. Anyway, Mac won’t apologize and Brandi’s skeeved out and the whole thing is a bust. Rise and shine oatmeal failcakes are on the menu for dinner tonight.

And then, it’s time to pick the teams.

Hoopz, who’ll be heading the Gold Team, goes first and she chooses Rodeo. Rodeo interviews that she thinks it was a wonderful choice and then lets out a tremendous cackle.

God, I missed this woman.

Then Whiteboy, leader of the Green Team, picks Chance. Hoopz picks 12 Pack. Whiteboy picks Real. Hoopz picks the Entertainer. Whiteboy picks Mr. Boston, much to Heat’s chagrin.

Hoopz picks Heather. Whiteboy picks Heat, which means that he’ll be playing against 12 Pack. Heat can barely handle this and initially resists joining Whiteboy’s team. Whiteboy’s like, “No, really. Come here,” and Heat does. I’m not trying to say he’s submissive, but in the last shot of him we see, he’s panting with a leash in his mouth.

Hoopz picks Toasteee. Whiteboy picks Destiney. Hoopz picks Pumkin. Whiteboy picks Megan. This leaves Nibblz, Brandi and Midget Mac. They all get to plead their cases. Brandi does so in the form of push-ups, although I’ve just committed fitness blasphemy by putting the word “form” in the same sentence referring to her push-ups:

She looks like the poster girl for a foundation for mentally challenged inchworms. They move, but they’re all, “Why am I not getting anywhere?” Perhaps her charity and Megan’s could co-sponsor events. Imagine the public outpouring. Anyway, the best thing about this is that when she’s done, Brandi gets excited and ends up twisting her ankle or…uh, something…

Brandi immediately protests her own mistake, saying, “I messed up for one second, and I don’t want you to hold that against me!” Ah yes, Brandi, but seconds add up to a lifetime.

As far as Mac goes, he refuses to plead his case.

He’s not here to make…money! Erm?

Nibblz does 10 “military-style” push-ups. Hers are actually real and hence boring and not worth making a gif of. Hoopz snaps her up, and then Whiteboy takes Brandi, which leaves Midget Mac packing.

His check is voided.

…and he hobbles off.

He doesn’t seem at all bothered to leave. I, however, regret that his short time on I Love Money has produced only one animated gif.

At least it’s a good one.

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