I hate to be a party pooper, but um…
…sometimes there’s acting on reality TV. Acting! Who would have suspected?
It’s morning. Midget Mac is gone and 12 Pack is making it rain on Mr. Boston.
The homoeroticism really just writes itself.
Meanwhile, Chance is shown sans bandanna and…
…there’s no Teen Wolf to be found. WTF? Is there a barber on set? And if so, what did he do with Michael J. Fox.
Oh, and apropos of nothing, Brandi C., is waking up.
Nibblz swims by herself, as if she’s on a retreat sponsored by Calgon.
She says, “Take me away!” Just kidding. She says that she has things to prove to herself and her team. One of these things may or may not be that she’s part coyote, per Chance’s criticism last episode. Luckily, she gets her chance:
Not part coyote, although Kid of …’n Play fame seems to be diagonally growing out of her skull. What is with ’80s references sprouting out of people’s heads on this show?
The all-stars are gathered to listen to a voice mail from C.J. Today they must switch captains, as they will have to do for every challenge. For no good reason, other than his possible wolf-like strength, Chance is named the captain of the Green Team. The Gold Team goes about things a bit more democratically.
They discuss athletic prowess. The Entertainer played all kinds of positions in baseball and Nibblz is good at arm wrestling and wrestling wrestling. Brooke, on the other hand, did cheerleading. Snicker. Queue cheerleaders around the world in unison: “CHEERLEADING IS A SPORT!!!” Rodeo is ultimately chosen, and the excitement of it all prompts her to do a little jig.
I like to think of this as a tribute to Midget Mac.
Meanwhile, the Green Team is in disarray.
So, they meet and the encounter becomes the 11-year-old, penis-free equivalent of a pissing contest.
Whiteboy says that, and then he shows it on some sort of cut out ledge in the room they’ve convened in.
Chance can do it, too.
Try not to swoon at all the unbridled masculinity. Mr. Boston, however, isn’t as skilled as his teammates.
Apparently, he’s rock-climbing the wall wrong. Go figure.
The flack Boston gets for his blunder just goes to show that the Green Team is, in Heat’s words, a “disaster.” Everyone hates each other. For her uniting capabilities, Whiteboy suggests that Destiney be the captain. The way he does this is by saying, “I think Heather should be our captain.”
“I’m Destiney,” says Destiney. Well, at least they’re working through their problems. Destiney it is.
The grubbers arrive at the site of their first challenge:
The name of it?
In this one, one member of either team will attempt to knock the other off this giant bed by hitting him or her with a wand that has flowers attached to it. Clearly, the inspiration comes from Saaphyri and H-Town’s infamous fight during the first five minutes of Flavor of Love 2.
Yo, the winner of this one should totally get a lifetime supply of Lip Chap.
Somewhat shockingly, there are rules:
Best out of five wins.
Inner-team debates regarding the lineup of the battles goes down. Mr. Boston interviews that physical strength is not his strong suit. How ironic. Ultimately, a decision is reached. The first two to hit each other with flowers will be…
The guys pummel each other American Gladiators-style.
I love that someone is squeezing Megan’s right arm in this picture. It could be in solidarity, but I like to think that someone was taking Megan’s distraction as the opportunity to find out how much meat she has on her bones. You know this situation is, like, a broken can opener away from devolving into cannibalism.
In the end, Whiteboy gets 12 Pack to drop his flower stick.
And that’s that. Point for the Green Team. Rodeo is aghast.
The next two up?
Destiney explains that she chose Heat because, “he’s the buffest on our team, and he’s pretty cute.” Cuteness will undoubtedly help him in this pummeling challenge. I’d love to see who the real champ is by watching him go head-to-head with Mr. Boston’s handsome penis. I’d say “no pun intended,” but then I’d be lying. For his part, the Entertainer hollers, “I neeeeeed this money!” when his head pops up in that on-screen oval. Oh joy, another bellowed catchphrase. Someone get this dude a beer commercial, like, now.
The Entertainer and Heat bash each other like supremacists of another color for a bit, until they slow down and start hacking from all of the cigarettes they both smoke.
And so, it would seem that in addition to saggy boobs, emphysema also sucks. These people are falling apart before our eyes! First one to the Jazzy gets their own spin-off! I mean, seriously, I Love Inertia is probably, like, but a few seasons away.
Eventually, the Entertainer is able to push Heat’s stick off. Climactic!
Real seems to have some sort of affection for Hoopz, as he says that he doesn’t want to hit her too hard. Soon after starting, he drops his stick. I think he let her win. Such chivalry! Is he reading Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus between challenges? With the competition out of the way, it’s suggested that Heat takes the time to do some daydreaming about Hoopz.
He interviews that she’s an “amazing-ass person.” He’s being polite. I look forward to him getting looser and talking about her amazing-ass ass.
Chance goes at her hard, almost instantly plunging her into the cables.
Thus, she has lost. Thus, the game is tied.
Chance helps untangle a struggling Rodeo. So polite, just like his brother! A teen wolf who doesn’t act like he was raised by wolves at all. How nice!
Then, it’s time for the last match.
It looks like Nibblz has it in the bag. Even her spiteful competitors think so: Chance calls her “this G.I. Jane, Predator-lookin’ slash all type of wilderbeast” [sic]. He means to say that she’s a formidable opponent. I think.
But no, Nibblz fails. After performing some “Jedi mind tricks” on Boston…
…which basically just involves staring him down. If said “tricks” worked, perhaps she wouldn’t look so…weird.
But no: weirdness it is. All that staring goes to waste when Mr. Boston takes her down easily.
And so, that’s that: Green Team wins. This means that three Gold Team members (nominated by their team) will be on the chopping block, and their ultimate fate will be determined by the captain of the winning team, or the “Paymaster.” In this case, that is Destiney.
The freak-outs commence.
Pumkin is sure she’s going home. She’s close! When the time comes for the Gold Team to enter the vault and select their bottom three…
…the result is that Nibblz, Pumkin and Toasteee are on the chopping block.
But there’s still hope! The Bottom Three will go on a “power outing” with the Paymaster, in which they’ll attempt to convince her to keep them on. I love that this show has ass-kissing opportunities and alliance-forming virtually woven into its fabric.
The freak-outs resume.
Brooke hatches a plan with Toasteee.
Clearly, said plan is very complicated.
Their power outing is at a restaurant best described by Pumkin. And by “best,” I mean, “insensitively.”
“We walk into the restaurant and all these Mexicans were dancing on the stage and bouncing around, going like, ‘Arirairaha!” How cultural. Imagine: Mexicans at a Mexican restaurant in Mexico. As Pumkin reports this, she looks disgusted.
She adds: “I have Mexican family members, but they’re just not, like, that Mexican.” See? She can’t be racist. She has mildly Mexican relatives!
The girls hang out and dance when yet another ingenious plan is hatched. Toasteee falls to the ground, feigning foot injury.
She reasons that Destiney will want to get rid of the biggest threat (i.e. the strongest) of the Bottom Three, and anyone with ankles that brittle is surely worth keeping around to topple somewhere down the line. Anyway, Toasteee carries on and on and on about her ankle.
It’s as dramatic as you’ve come to expect from reality TV.
Meanwhile, back at home, Megan and Brandi have decided to give Mr. Boston a massage as a reward for winning the game for his team. He dons a special uniform for the occasion.
I wonder if there will ever come a day that I’m not looking at Mr. Boston’s butt cheeks on a regular basis. His bare ass is like the opposite of a full moon — it only goes away once a month.
Also, speaking of his ass, Megan points out that it’s pimply. Just in case you aren’t grossed out enough already, there you go.
They rub him down and say, “Ew” a lot. Mr. Boston reports an erection. Now it’s my turn to say ew.
The show mercifully moves on. Toasteee and Pumkin tell Destiney in no uncertain terms that they need to get rid of Nibblz because she’s strong. Nibblz doesn’t know how to defend herself. She downplays her fitness level by saying that she does yoga. A note arrives saying that Destiney can choose one of the Bottom Three to speak with longer, while two others go away.
Destiney chooses Pumkin. She harnesses the elephant in the room by asking Brooke about her weight. Pun intended again! Brooke says she had an eating disorder and cries.
Pumkin annihilates any sympathy she just might have gained from the viewing audience by being all, “Yes! Here’s my in!” and being all exploitive about her eating disorder. Although, I suppose that there’s something uplifting about it being good for something, at least. And, since Destiney can’t hear the interview, the sympathy is hers for the taking.
On the way out, Brooke promises to have Destiney’s back the next time around.
If you believe that, I’ve got a pumkin patch I’d like to sell you.
As they approach the mansion, Toasteee is still doing the hobbling bit.
Somewhere along the way, she gets her hands on a pair of crutches. The better to manipulate you with!
Hoopz immediately asks her how she twisted it — in or out. Toasteee can’t cough up an answer at a convincing speed. Chance calls bulls*** immediately. Hoopz follows suit. Like MC Lyte, she’s not having it.
Hey, Destiney, feeling duped much?
Destiney interviews that she wonders if the physically weaker players aren’t as much of a threat as the strong ones, since they’re so manipulative. Ding! Ding! Ding! Someone just figured out how the game is played!
Destiney is looking particularly ample this evening.
To quote Bret Michaels: me likey.
Destiney announces that Pumkin will be staying around another week.
Annnnd, so will Toasteee, who in her thick Philly accent proclaims, “I think the Oscar goes to Toasteee in this episode!” Since Toasteee’s doppleganger Diane Lane has never won, I’d consider that retribution.
Also, where the hell did the extra “E” on Toasteee’s name go?
Uh, hello? Let’s not deviate from Flav style in our copy. K?
All this means that Nibblz is going home.
“I did the best I could and I cannot be ashamed of that,” she says tearfully. Take pride where you can get it, that’s what I say!
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