I Love Money Recap – Episode 4 – The Boston, Harmed

Once again, this show reintroduces us to a universal truth…

…be careful what you wish for.

The wisdom just keeps rolling in!

It’s morning. 12 Pack resolves to clean up the mess left by the Entertainer and his heart (or, to hear Heat tell it, his penis). Basically, the fact that the Gold Team’s biggest threat, Whiteboy, wasn’t axed last week was a major blunder that 12 Pack is determined to fix. To achieve this, he reaches out to the Green Team’s weaker members…

He suggests to Megan, Mr. Boston and Brandi that they form an alliance: as captain, he’ll keep them all around if they throw the upcoming challenge and vote Whiteboy into the Bottom 3. They all agree, however apprehensively.

12 Pack reports the plan to his team…

I love how no-nonsense he is, getting down to business while suited up. The fact that it’s a bathing suit matters little.

C.J.’s call comes in announcing the challenge…

This week’s clue goes, “It’s gonna take a lot to launch your team to victory.” Chance, apparently, finds this drool-worthy.

Captains are selected. Chance volunteers to head the Green Team. He loved the challenge description that much, huh? Over on the Gold Team, 12 Pack, as we know, is offering his leadership services. In response to his announcement, the Entertainer barks, prompting, 12 Pack to note, “The Entertainer’s completely retarded.” Maybe that’s why he’s so lovable?

The all-stars congregate at a field where C.J. announces the challenge will be based on Hottie/Schatar’s chicken debacle from the first season of Flavor of Love.

Nothin’ says lovin’ like chicken in the microwave oven. Anyway, based on this oft-mocked bit of toomfoolery, the contestants will compete in a challenge dubbed the “Chicken-Apult.” One half of each team must assemble catapults and then catapult raw chickens…

…to the other half, which then must catch the chickens and run them over to a table with plates.

The first team to fill five plates with these apparently jaundiced birds wins. Boston and Megan both volunteer to be builders so that they can sabotage their team early. And that’s just what they do. While the Gold Team gets to work, building their catapult…

…Megan just kind of stands around…

…and examines herself…

She just wants to make sure that she didn’t sprout a heart when she wasn’t paying attention. This, hilariously, flips Whiteboy out.

He calls her name repeatedly. It’s like the part of “Around the Way Girl,” that goes “Lisa, Angela, Pamela, Renee,” except all the names are Megan.

The Gold Team is able to get their first chicken launched…

…and caught…

…while the Green Team still doesn’t have their stuff together. Insert defeated trumpet sound here. Wah-waaaah.

Chance notes his frustration with Mr. Boston by reporting, “I really wanna injure him.” Funny that this sounds not one bit ominous. Back to the thugging board!

After making something of a comeback that involves Whiteboy running a chicken like a football…

…it’s still not enough for the Green Team to pull ahead. Thanks to Megan and Boston’s not-hard work, their team has lost. 12 Pack celebrates this by making out with Heather.

And then, he seriously tosses her on the table to further have his way with her.

Heather explains, “We don’t even care, we’re makin’ out between nasty, salmonella birds. But we won. So it was a good victory.” For showing that romance can be disgusting in ways beyond the traditional kissy-face mushy fashion, Heather is a gem. Seriously, she and her classiness are gifts to pop culture.

Back at home, Whiteboy is pissed.

The terrorism includes…

…throwing off Boston’s makeshift blanket (a towel) to reveal his bare ass…

…pouring water on him…

…giving him dog food and then taking Lily Megan’s soiled pee (and, apparently, poop-) pad…

…and putting it on his bed with him…

Lynndie England would be proud. Although, on second thought, maybe Boston enjoys the abuse. He gets up, doesn’t bother putting on clothes and enters the shower with a screaming Brandi.

He really doesn’t need anyone to embarrass him, you know? He does a great job himself.

And then, Megan and Brandi think twice with the gusto of Celine Dion in the UK.

In that case, getting rid of Whiteboy, who’s considered the most capable at such challenges, would be a huge mistake. Cut to a renegotiation of sorts…

Whiteboy picks Megan’s brain on why the challenge went so disastrously for their team. “They just caught them more,” she says. Some people just have a gift for attracting salmonella chickens, you know? Anyway, Whiteboy knows something’s up and he implores Megan not to turn on him. He’s basically like, “Are you thinkin’ about you or us?” And Megan’s basically like, “Both!” She’s had a change of heart, but that’s not so surprising in someone whose blood pumps opportunism. They resolve to have each other’s backs. Like all I Love Money relationships thus far, this one should end swift and painfully.

Anyway, the change of plans means that Megan and Brandi have to catch Boston up to speed: they tell him that it is Destiney, not Whiteboy, who’ll end up in the Bottom 3. Boston doesn’t like this idea.

So reassuring! And correct!

A great point, that is. Megan offers no counterpoint, probably because, uh…I don’t know. Probably because boobs.

It’s time for the Green Team to enter the vault to decide the Bottom 3. Boston’s inclusion in it is virtually unanimous. In a panicked attempt to preserve himself, he grabs his check and won’t let anyone have it.

There is a struggle…

Boston tries to run down the clock by keeping his check out of the box for as long as possible, figuring that if there’s a draw by the end of the 15 minutes, the other team’s captain, 12 Pack, will get to choose the Bottom 3.

After another unanimous vote…

…Boston still won’t yield. He’s really tenacious! He’s holding onto the check like it’s a booger! Anyway, scrapping ensues and after much bending and banging, they finally get Boston’s check in the box.

As though this weren’t a big enough spectacle, Boston rants incoherently after entering the box.

Right about now, his check…

…is as battered as his soul. Needless to say, when 12 Pack comes to find that Whiteboy isn’t in the box, he’s pissed. During that reveal, by the way, Boston’s nowhere to be found.

He has packed his things in anticipation of his imminent departure. Aw, no fun. You haven’t squirmed nearly enough, Boston!

There, that’s a little better.

12 Pack stops by to convince Boston to attend the power outing. “I’m gonna listen to everyone’s side of the story, and I’m gonna figure out what happened and kick your ass outta here.” Just kidding. He didn’t say the last part of that. Out loud.

The outing is powerful.

12 Pack mostly grills Brandi, since Destiney is basically an innocent party, and Boston’s roaming the grounds like a mental patient with vertigo. Brandi admits that she only voted for Boston and not Whiteboy, as planned. I’m have to go with boobs again as the reason she doesn’t elaborate.

12 Pack gets a card saying he can spend 15 minutes in one-on-one time with any of the Bottom 3. He chooses Boston who’s now sitting on a cliff, perhaps mulling over jumping.

Boston explains how the sabotage plan went awry.

“When I went in there, I was afraid of Whiteboy. That’s the only reason I didn’t vote for him.” How weenie-ish of him. He shoulda just gone with “boobs.”

Back at home, 12 Pack calls on his team to help decide which Greenie to eliminate.

Heather is not amused.

Hoopz, Toasteee and Pumkin all want Destiney out, but 12 Pack reveals that his alliance with her is too strong for that. This infuriates his team members, Pumkin, especially.

She’s really volatile! She slams the door to the room repeatedly as she bickers with the Entertainer. He implores her to keep going and she retorts with…

“I was pretending that was your little-as penis.” At first it just sounds like generic smacktalk, but then you see that the Entertainer was among those in the skinny-dipping extra and you can’t help but wonder if Pumkin’s opinion is an educated one. Just something to ponder.

And then, elimination:

They begin by talking about the challenge. Boston explains that everyone saw on I Love New York that he was bad at building doghouses, so it should be no surprise that he couldn’t build a catapult. Brandi gets right up in his face, proclaiming…

“You’re a liar!” Brandi implores him to admit that he threw the challenge. His defense is some nonsense about, “If we woulda threw it it would have been 5-0.” Not if you were trying to make it look not obvious. Anyway, it’s kind of bizarre that Brandi’s doing all this accusing, since she was part of that alliance, as well. Boobs. Boston mentions that Megan was in the scheme, too. Megan is, unsurprisingly, less than forthcoming.

She’s like, “I heard about it…” But you know what? Her weaseling is a lot less despicable with that precious sleeping dog in her bosom. Lily Megan really does a lot to help with the endearment of Megan Megan.

Brandi and Boston continue their battle. Boston insults her porno past, and she insults his sexual stamina. But he can go five times in one night. Who needs staying power when you can just make it up in repeats? That’s what I say. The whole thing is pretty hilarious, as evidenced by Heather’s falling to the ground.

It’s time to call off names. Destiney is first. She’s not going anywhere, obviously. Then, 12 Pack reveals that Brandi’s staying too. Basically, he tells her that she’s weak and not worth getting rid of yet. She accepts this and hugs him for it.

She’s got a weird way of dealing with love. I mean, duh. But really.

This means that Mr. Boston is going home.

Unless he’s talking about a mess on his pants, he’s still lying.

In the end, Boston cries.

And even though my heart goes out to him, after this purge, it’s kind of nice to realize that we won’t have to think about Mr. Boston’s body fluids, above or below the waist, for a while. You know?

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