New York Goes To Hollywood Recap – Episode 1 – Hooray For New York

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved to eat.

And so, there was only one place for her to go…

Makes a ton of sense, right?

Thank god she found a place that doesn’t have unrealistic expectations of women and their bodies!

So, we meet again.

This time around, our anti-hero turned heroine, the little lady with the big mouth andbigger boobs,the HBIC of our reality-TV habits (and, by extension, of our souls), is trading penis for prestige. She’s going global, and I’m not referring to more breast enhancement. Her search this time around is for fame — actual, legitimate, Hollywood fame, not the short-attention-span reality type. And how will she accomplish this? Via reality TV. Duh!

Tiff-Tiff informs us that she has 30 days to get a part or pack up and go home. Uh, pressure? “I wanna make it as a certified actress out here in California,” she reports. So in addition to getting a part, she has 30 days to get a certificate, too? Nice.

New York decides that to help her on her journey, she’ll need an assistant.

And so, she places an ad.

And on that last point, a lifetime supply of Red Bull couldn’t hurt, either.

New York receives her first applicant, Electra.

Electra, who looks like a strange reconciliation of Elizabeth Berkley’s Showgirls aesthetic and that of Talbots, is polite at first, but her kindness flies out of the picture like french fries as soon as New York refuses to shake her hand. “Are you here for the assistant position?” asks New York. No, she’s here for the boob positioning. It might take a while. There’s a lot to work with.

New York starts grilling her, asking about Electra’s free time. Electra reports that she has a busy life and New York interrupts her with, “Oh s***, what are you doing here?”

Electra attempts to defend herself…

…which only leads to more hounding from New York, who says, among things, that Electra is getting “snarly.” With a crinkled nose and bared teeth and everything?

It’s clear that this is not going to work. Electra suggests that instead of an assistant, New York should get a therapist. Oh, but she had one of those for, like, two minutes of I Love New York 2, and everything’s all good. She’s totally cured! Do your research, Electra. New York gives this young woman a fond farewell by saying, “Get the f*** off my property, you skanky-ass bitch!” That’s going right on my Christmas cards next year.

The next person to interview is named Zondra.

She thinks she can straighten New York out and help her fly right. She is Christian and doesn’t believe in cursing. “How can you just ignore, I think it’s the Fifth Amendment? Freedom of speech?” There’s a lot to mock here, but for once I’m pleading the First. Zondra also doesn’t believe in pre-marital sex, which means that New York doesn’t believe in Zondra. See ya!

Finally, there is Lizza.

She had the foresight to bring a list of events that New York can attend to help boost her career, and for this she gets the job. No word on her bartending skills…yet.

Lizza’s plans for her don’t stop there, as we see the next day.

She reports that she looked up how to obtain a manager and the best way to do it is via a showcase. Does New York know what a showcase is? Of course not.

“Sounds like it’s something that probably would be on The Price Is Right. That’s the first thing that came to my head,” reports Tiffo. Yes, yes. The key to fame and Hollywood success is Plinko. Clearly.

Actually, a showcase is a brief performance from an aspiring actor to drum up support among managers. New York will hold one of these, but she has some preparation to do. The first thing she needs to do is hit the gym.

But instead of hitting it, she skewers it with one of her heels. Her trainer, Barry, is aghast, simply aghast, over her attire, from arched foot to wayward breast.

New York can run for, like, four minutes before crapping out. Still, there is much to accomplish.

Whee!

Whoa. She works hard for her celebrity. Although: when hasn’t she?

The next item on the stardom-preparation list is to assemble a reel of her work. For this, an editor named Mike is called in…

One look at him and you know Tiffopotamus is going to have something to say about his appearance. And so she does — she reports that while he’s not much to look at, hopefully he can help her on her way.

While he sets up his editing equipment, ass-crack out and all (I’m being merciful by not including a screenshot, believe me), New York gets to practicing the monologue she’ll perform at the showcase.

The character’s name is Thelma, which reminds New York of Good Times, which leads her to believe that this character is black. Lizza points out that it’s probably a British character, actually. Unsurprisingly, New York does not know what this means. “Is it like, ‘G’day mate?‘” Uh, no. “Is it like, ‘Top o’ the morning to ya, sir?‘” Wrong again. Shockingly! It seems that the only thing New York can do right is consistently get things wrong. It’s kind of cute, really.

Mike leaves without completing the video, promising to deliver it the next day. Cut to the next day when a reel-lessLizza calls him frantically.

He has a lot of excuses. His computer crashed three times, but he’ll have the reel within a half hour. Then, in a half hour, he still doesn’t have it because his shower broke and he had to go over a friend’s. Color me surprised to find out that Mike actually cares about hygiene. He’s clearly dragging his feet, which causes New York to lash out at Lizza.

“You should never have f***in’ put me in that business of that fat, nasty, greasy bitch not havin’ my reel!” Yeah, blame Lizza. Before her, you thought getting a reel meant a certain I Love New York contestant was coming on for a cameo!

Without reel in hand, New York makes her way to the theater where she’s holding her showcase.

Just minutes before she’s set to go on, Mike pops in with a stack of DVDs in his hand. The reel is done! And what’s more, he wishes New York well, telling her to break a leg. “How ’bout I break your leg?” she snaps back. Now she’s using her dubious processing powers for good (i.e. laughter) instead of evil. It’s amazing to watch this woman grow right before our eyes!

Tiff is introduced as “America’s princess,” which if even true, says more about the state of American culture than it does about New York’s career.

She delivers her monologue and it’s pretty OK. No outlandish accents or silliness.

After, she sits in her dressing room and tells Lizza, “I gotta make love to the script. I just barely french-kissed that motherf***er.” An astute observation and complex metaphor all in one! If New York doesn’t conquer Hollywood, I suppose conquering the English language is a nice consolation prize.

And really…

…she isn’t conquering Hollywood. All the producers leave before she even gets the chance to greet them. The look on her face when she realizes this…

…is actually kind of sad. And so, the episode ends on a down beat. If New York really wants to get the Hollywood thing down, she’s gotta work on giving us happy endings. (And no, not like that, pervert.)

Related content
New York Goes to Hollywood show page
New York Goes to Hollywood video and extras